Teen refuses 'sibling dance' with 5-year-old stepsister at dad's wedding, stepmom upset.

Weddings are incredibly emotionally loaded, for better or worse. And when a family member is married, it's not uncommon to get pulled into some intense duties.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a teen asked if she's wrong for refusing to take part in a public "sibling moment" during her dad's wedding. She wrote:

"AITA for refusing to take part in sibling moments during my dad's wedding?"

Title sounds weird? I'll explain. So my dad is engaged to a woman, Ruth. Ruth has an almost 5 year old daughter Laci. Their wedding is planned for January and ever since Ruth and Laci moved in with us (dad and me) and Laci and I have been forced to share a room because it's a two bedroom house, Laci has become obsessed with me.

She thinks I'm the coolest person and she always wants to be around me. So Ruth came up with this idea of having sibling moments during the wedding where we embrace each other as true sisters for the first time. She mentioned it to Laci before either her or my dad mentioned it to me. So Laci was really excited and happy.

But I'm not comfortable with the idea. I don't want to hold her during a family unity ceremony is performed, I don't want to do a special sister dance where the spotlight is on us, and I don't want to make promises that I'm not sure I would keep. The promises were already printed out by Ruth and she showed me what I would need to say.

It's basically I will always answer her calls, always call her my sister from that day forward, that I will be there for her and chase away the b*llies and show her how to do things. It's not that I'm opposed to us being closer at all. But I won't be going out of my way to come home from college just to be there more with Laci. I might not even stay at my dad's when I do because I don't want to share with Laci.

I already hate doing it now. I expressed that I didn't want to do those things during the wedding and Ruth was furious. My dad was like it would be so sweet and would be super cute to look back on when watching the wedding videos. Ruth was saying how excited Laci now is and how I would crush her heart and soul and stomp on them if I refuse to do it.

She even claimed Laci was saying how excited she was to have me as a sister forever and that she wants me to be her protector. Not sure I buy a 4-year-old saying all that. Ever since I said I didn't want to do those things I have been under a lot of pressure to give in and Ruth has been accusing me of rejecting Laci and refusing to have anything to do with her.

That's not what this is but I don't love Laci right now and I don't know that I will be playing the big sister role. It might be more like cousins because honestly, I will be moving out as soon as I'm 18 to get a little more space. But this whole thing is starting to get to me. AITA?

People had strong opinions about this whole vibe.

Ducky818 wrote:

NTA but Ruth is a major one.

Laci should not have been told about this unless OP had previously agreed to it.

Forcing a relationship is a bad idea.

Making a public spectacle of a forced relationship is an even worse idea.

Ruth needs to stop weaponizing Laci to try to convince OP to go along.

Ruth needs to back off and let any relationship develop naturally. Laci is acting age-appropriately in being a nuisance to OP. Hopefully, she will outgrow that. But OP should not be forced to undertake these wedding activities.

It is not OP's wedding so this arrangement wasn't OP's choice and Ruth (and dad) should stop acting as if this is a major union by OP and Laci. It's not. It's Ruth and dad's union. Laci & OP are just affected by it but don't have a say in it.

ETA: I'm guessing Ruth wants the vows she wrote for OP said at the wedding cuz it will likely be videotaped and then she can throw it in OP's face when Ruth thinks that OP isn't "honoring her vows to Laci." Yuck!

MaybeAWalrus wrote:

Hey, why don't you lie to a child and make promises you won't keep, just for the sake of us having a cute moment at our wedding day? You can't say no, we already told your sister you would do it and we don't want to have to do some parenting!

NTA, obviously. You shouldn't be forced to do something you don't feel comfortable doing.

Sorry_I_Guess wrote:

NTA. Ruth is a massive AH, and honestly, it's heartbreaking because her disingenuous nonsense and the imaginary idealised but entirely false picture she's created in her head and tried to force on you and Laci is not only weird and more about herself than about either of the kids actually involved in the "sibling" relationship at hand . . . it's also ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY.

This might be a different situation if you were reluctant to have any relationship with Laci and she was trying to encourage one. But that's not what's happening here. Instead, she has lucked into an older teenage stepdaughter who actually embraces being a big sister to a preschool-aged new little stepsister, which is a real rarity!

You've indicated that you're happy to create a genuine relationship of some sort with Laci, to spend some time with her and get to know her, and even be something of a big sister to her, which is really lovely. And of course, you don't have to spend ALL your time with her or be "her protector", LOL.

My oldest nieces absolutely adore their little siblings to bits, but they have lives of their own, which is not only appropriate but healthy with an age difference that large, and they certainly don't see themselves as "protectors" - that's a parent's job, not a sibling's. Those weird vows that Ruth wrote don't reflect any kind of real, meaningful, naturally-developing relationship.

They're some sort of imaginary fairytale ideal, and they aren't healthy. And while some commenters are arguing that they're meant to be figurative, that's not really the point. The point is that she's made you uncomfortable and actually created a wedge in the REAL, THOUGHTFUL, HEARTFELT relationship that you have been creating with her child..all in favour of some made-up nonsense in her head.

Not to mention that she started this whole thing by breaking the cardinal rule of parenting: you don't get a small child's hopes up or tell them things well in advance of when they might happen or have been agreed to. It only leads to heartbreak and disaster. Ruth is the only AH here.

She seems deeply manipulative, self-centered, and like she doesn't actually have Laci's OR your best interests at heart, just her own selfish view of things. I'm sad both for Laci (having a mother who plays with her emotions and sets her up for disappointment) and for you, having to deal with someone who seems so manipulative. You are NTA. Be honest.

Tell them that you care about Laci, but you will build a relationship with her in your own time, and through GENUINE connection, not based on Ruth's words and performative nonsense.

C_Majuscula wrote:

NTA. Your future stepmother is pushing way too hard. Tell her "I won't be bullied into your idea of a sibling relationship" and repeat that phrase every time. Go grey rock on her and hopefully she'll get the message.

TrainingDearest wrote:

NTA. You aren't rejecting Laci. You are rejecting the contrived performance piece that Ruth is scripting. What Ruth is doing isn't cute; it's bizarre and creepy. If you aren't comfortable, then stand your ground on this. No means No; the anger, weaponizing of Laci's feelings and b*lly tactics are just wrong, and I would call your them both out for this toxic drama.

Clearly, OP is NTA here, her stepmom is creating an extremely strange dynamic.