Teen tells stepsister their parents vows don't extend to her, rejects them. AITA?
Blending families can be tricky and sometimes pushing it can make things much worse
One daughter was asked to make vows to her stepsister at her parent's wedding. She wasn't comfortable with this but her stepmom felt it was important, so she made the vows for her at the wedding. Now, her little stepsister demands that she honors the vows, which were very specific and made the daughter uncomfortable. When she breaks the news to her stepsister, she shatters and becomes inconsolable.
AITA for telling my little stepsister I didn't make any vows to her?
My dad got remarried when I (16f) was 9. My stepsister (9f) was 2 at the time. My mom died and her dad bailed on her mom when she was pregnant with her and was never in her life and never paid child support or anything.
When my dad and his wife married, they wanted to do a family unity ceremony which meant me and my stepsister would be standing there while vows were made to us and then (as the kid who could speak) would make a vow to always be there for her, to love her and be her big sister. I passed on that.
My dad was upset. His wife was even more upset because she wanted the video to show her daughter one day, of me making those vows to her and holding her. The ceremony happened. They made the vows to us while I was sitting and she was being held by her mom. But I didn't make any vows.
There has been an expectation set that even though I didn't say the vows, that I would be the big sister my dad's wife wanted for her daughter.
The vows she wrote for me say things like 'I'll always do your hair when you ask, have makeovers whenever possible, take you to the park, play dolls and climb trees with you, snuggle on the couch and always make space for you in my bed' and that's not even the whole list of what she promised from me.
But she did expect that stuff and was disappointed when I didn't. Dad pushed sometimes, but not all of the time, which I get, since he probably did want more cohesion from us and for me to make an effort to try and love her and be a sister for her.
Around the age of 5 my stepsister started to get a bit more demanding with that stuff thanks to her mom and my dad a bit. She'd always want me to take her places, or always want to tag along with me, was always coming into my room, etc.
It got annoying. And when I would play with her or watch a movie with her she never wanted it to end. She'd cry and whine and her mom would try to make me keep going when I would say I needed to do my own stuff now. Dad sometimes intervened but not always.
A few nights ago she came into my room when I was Facetiming my aunt and said I needed to do her hair the way I did mine at night. She got into my laptop screen and tried to end the call.
I had to do it myself and then when I told her I wasn't doing it for her after that she said I made vows to be her sister and was being mean by not. I told her I made no vows. She said I did and her mom showed me them.
I said her mom wrote those and I never said them. She told me that wasn't true. I called her mom in and told her she needed to stop lying and tell her the truth. Dad came in and told my stepsister the three of them needed to talk. My stepsister was so upset by what I said and when it was confirmed she ran off crying to her room saying I don't love her.
Dad asked me if I could console her and assure her I do love her and I said I couldn't do that. So he went to comfort her. But his wife said I was an a** and should have played along to spare her daughter's feelings. AITA?
Here are the top responses from readers:
NTA. Your stepmother has way too much expectations about sisterhood. I think it would be normal with that big age gap that the bigger sibling doesn't want play with the younger sibling all the time.
And your stepmother and father have been in the wrong when they tried to force the big sister - small sister -relationship to happen. These things happen naturally if you give time and space.
The OP responded:
Pretty much and then when I do and it becomes something I have to keep doing until she's ready to stop, which pretty much means I decide to play with her for an hour and I end up forced to continue until dinner or bed time. Only then can I stop.
That is ridiculous. Why doesn’t your father step in? This forced bonding is actually harming any possible relationship you two might have.
It’s not even your stepsisters fault. It’s 100% her mother to blame, but also your father for not putting a stop to this. You’re not an a**hole, the adults in this situation are.
The OP responded again:
My dad has sometimes stepped in. But often doesn't and has been dismissive of me bringing it up because 'there are worse things that could be happening' which yeah, but I mean... there are better things too.
The thing that really gets me is he wants me to love my stepsister and to want to be her sister but then forces that stuff. I don't think he realizes it's counterproductive to what he ultimately wants.
NTA. His wife was even more upset because she wanted the video to show her daughter one day, of me making those vows to her and holding her. She wanted a 9-year-old to do this so that later on it could be held over her: 'but you promised!' Even if you had given in at that time, you could hardly be held to it now.
'The vows she wrote for me say things like 'I'll always do your hair when you ask, have makeovers whenever possible, take you to the park, play dolls and climb trees with you, snuggle on the couch and always make space for you in my bed' and that's not even the whole list of what she promised from me.'
She sounds awful. That is a twisted way to look at any relationship. She really has got something wrong with her.
She thought she found the built-in babysitter, but OP stands her ground on not becoming one. I might be reaching here but it seems that Stepmommy Dearest probably wanted a video of OP promising all these things to her daughter to throw it into OP's face precisely in this sort of situation.
So, she could back up her 'but you promised' tantrum with actual 'evidence'. It backfired… so Stepmommy Dearest talks about how she wanted to vicariously live through the bond she wanted to force on her OP and her daughter.