Husband supports wife when she puts siblings up for adoption, cuts ties. AITA?
Being the eldest child in a difficult family environment is a huge responsibility.
One woman took on the responsibility of raising her siblings when their parent's rejected the responsibility. She tried the best she could but, at 18-years-old, she made the difficult decision to give them up for adoption. She wanted a chance to build a life for herself and she was overwhelmed with being the guardian and provider at such a young age. She put them in foster care, but kept touch. Now, she is building her own family and her siblings are upset and feel discarded.
AITA for telling my wife's siblings she is not their mother and they are no longer children?
My wife is the oldest in her family by 9 years. She was subjected to being a parent figure to her younger siblings by her parents who were sh*tty and uninvolved parents to all four of them.
Only difference was while my wife was forced to raise herself, she was forced to raise her siblings and she struggled with that. Her siblings view her as their mother. She did make sure they were okay but once she was 18 she refused to be all they had and they went into foster care due to the environment they were living in.
My wife was forced to drop out of high school at 16 because she found it too much to handle and failed all her classes. At 18 she decided she needed to fight for her own future. This is part of why she made the decision to call CPS instead of raising her siblings.
She got her GED and she got a degree at a community college. We met while she was in the middle of doing this. She told me all about her childhood and how tough it was for her.
She did see her siblings and stayed in their lives. They were sadly separated in foster care. They are now 21, 22 and 24 years old. They also still see my wife as their mother.
They were jealous when our children were born and my wife had to remove them from her life for a couple of years because they were angry at her for being a better mother to our first child than she was to them.
Contact has been back for a little over a year now. They have not really changed. They made my wife feel guilty for pushing them aside instead of working on things. But then they make comment after comment about the effort she goes to for our kids and how she never did that for them, and said it was hurtful to call our son her oldest child, when she has them.
My wife has told me she doesn't know what to do because their childhoods messed up their perception of her. I told her I would speak to them next time.
So they stopped by Easter Sunday and were saying to my wife they wanted her to get photos done with them and our kids, to show she's the mom of all of them and they are just as much her kids as our children are.
I told them to stop. That their sister is not their mom, she's their sister, she was a child just like they were and they are no longer children and they need to start treating my wife as their sister and not their mother who owed them a certain childhood. They told me I have no idea what I am talking about and stormed out.
This was the first time they left. My wife looked so relieved. But her siblings gave her a hard time afterward. AITA?
Here are the top responses to the OP from readers:
NTA, you articulated something she’d been wanting to say for a long time in a way the siblings could understand Good job 👍🏻 they don’t like it but the truth is your wife gave up parts of her childhood to take care of them, nobody got the childhood they deserved.
Hopefully someday they’ll understand everyone lost in this situation and how lucky they were to have her around when they did. Wish you guys the best.
NTA. Wow. This entire post is just disturbing. Three adults can't seem to comprehend that their sister is NOT their mother is mind boggling. They all obviously need some serious therapy and your wife needs some distance. Kudos for having her back!
NTA and I applaud you for defending your wife and saying what needed to be said. Your wife definitely did the right thing, as you said she herself was a child and in no position to be responsible for her siblings. If she really wants to have a relationship with them I'd suggest family therapy and hopefully her siblings will see things from a different perspective.
NTA. This sounds like a messed up family dynamic that is clearly harmful for you wife. Her siblings need to understand and come to terms with the fact that she was just as neglected as they were and missing a parent entirely.
They at least had her care for part of their childhood. She didn't even have that much. I don't blame you for wanting to protect her. Don't be afraid to keep it up. She's never had someone in her corner before and am sure she is grateful for your help regardless how they treat her.
They need to get help and your wife deserves happiness. She is a real mother now and am sure she would prefer to put her messed up childhood behind her so she can focus on her new family. Hopefully at some point she can work with her siblings to repair their twisted relationship.
NTA, you are a top tier husband for doung that for her. I feel for her siblings because that can't have been easy to grow up in that situation, but at the same time your wife went through the same crap but was raising 3 kids while still a child herself.
Considering that she probably has very confused feelings about raising her siblings to a point and having to give them up so she could live her life I imagine it would have been near impossible for her to say what you did, even though it was desperately needed.
For the record, you did a great thing for her in setting them straight. Hopefully her siblings will calm down and they can build a real relationship with her, instead of making her some fantasy mother figure.