Man makes stepdaughter do weekly 'weight checks' and 5am workouts, mom complies.
Home should be where the heart is, and where a child can feel safe.
A child's home is suppose to be the respit from the horrors of school, bullying and the huge changes you are undergoing. But, what if your bully lives in your home? One young woman turned to the online forums to quietly ask for any advice when she found herself in an unbareable homelife situation.
AITA for defying my stepfather's clothing rules?
I (15F) live with my mom (36F) and stepfather (48M - SF). My father died when I was a baby and for most of my life, it has just been my mom and me. She met my now-stepfather a couple years ago and they got married last summer.
It has been a huge adjustment to have SF in our family. Mostly because as compared to my mom, he is extremely strict.
He convinced my mom that I am spoiled, entitled and need his harsher discipline or else I am never going to make anything of myself.
When it was just my mom and me, our home seemed like a warm and loving place but now it feels like a boot camp, which makes sense because SF is ex-military. However, it feels unfair because I am not a bad kid by any means.
I have always gotten pretty much straight As. I do my homework without having to be told and always do whatever chores my mom assignes. I don't talk back or curse and at this point, am not interesting in dating like a lot of my friends are. I don't drink or do drugs and always follow my curfew.
However, SF decided that is not good enough. He demands perfection at school, like 100% on everything or else I get grilled over why I made a mistake.
He decided I was a bit chubby so now I have to get up for 5 am runs/boot camp workouts and have to have weekly weight checks (my mom participates in this too because she wanted to lose weight).
One of the worst things was that he decided most of my clothes are 'inappropriate.' I do not think they are, I don't wear anything revealing or skintight, but I did favor bright colors.
SF decided I was being attention-seeking with my clothes and took away all my bright-colored stuff and replaced it with drab/neutral colors. Again my mom went along with this because he persuaded her that I just had no sense of what was appropriate from not growing up with a father.
Anyway to bring us to the current dilemma, of course St. Patrick's Day is this Friday and everyone at school wears green (or gets pinched). I am not allowed to wear green anymore because of SF's rules.
Some friends were talking about what they are going to wear and I mentioned I can't participate this year. So one friend gave me a green T-shirt and suggested I wear it under my black sweater.
I had the T-shirt in my backpack but SF decided to search my backpack (he does random searches of all my stuff, I guess I was just hoping he wouldn't find the T-shirt).
Of course he was furious and grounded me for a month. I tried to explain that I just wanted to participate in the tradition and that I was going to be wearing it under other clothes, so at most a small sliver of green would show, but this didn't fly.
My mom agreed with the grounding and furthermore said she was incredibly disappointed in me because I have never broken rules and acted out before. I feel awful for disappointing her but also really do feel like the rule is stupid and pointless.
So, AITA for planning to wear a green T-shirt for St. Patrick's Day when I am not allowed to wear bright colors?
Here is how readers reacted:
NTA for planning to wear green, but there is so much else wrong here, I don't even know where to start... Not with you; you're doing fine. But that controlling behavior from your stepfather is not normal, by any stretch of the imagination.
The OP responds:
This may be outside the scope of AITA, but if you have any feedback that would be helpful. I really want to get along with my stepfather better because he makes my mom happy, but he doesn't seem to like me very much. Especially after this incident.
You're not doing anything wrong; your step-father is just controlling, has issues, and your mom is unfortunately going along with it (probably because she's being controlled too). You might want to post this in r/relationship_advice for advice on how to handle this guy.
You might also want to think ahead to how you can move out when you turn 18, because I don't see this guy (or your mom) ever changing. Good luck. NTA.
This is abuse. I am so sorry you've been having to go through this. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your mom about how SD is making you feel, then you should talk to the school counselor or another trusted adult in your life and ask them will help you talk to your mom.
Maybe take some time to write down how you feel about amount of control he is asserting on you and how i affects you negatively. Also think about how these rules have affected your relationship with your mom.
Unfortunately, he's probably never going to change and it sounds like your mom doesn't plan on going against him. If you have family or close friends who might let you stay with them until you finish school, it would be worth reaching out and trying to find someone to advocate for you.
The OP responded:
I'm reluctant to talk to the school counselor because I have heard horror stories about kids being pulled out of their home and into foster care. I'm 99% sure that would be worse.
It's not the best situation emotionally for sure, but I have a home that is physically safe, at least I am still with my mom, I have food and clothing, etc. And if I made a report and they investigated but didn't do anything, it would probably just make both my mom and SF angrier which would be worse for me.
There aren't any other people I can stay with, unfortunately - we don't have other relatives in the area and while I have friends who care about me, there isn't any one I can think of who is in a position to take me in. So I just have to try to make the best of things here.
Because your home is physically safe and your needs are all being met and there’s no verbal abuse (although this is 100% still abuse) you won’t be out in foster care. The system is too over worked to pull kids from safe homes where they are provided for. That doesn’t mean you aren’t being abused, you just aren’t an emergency case.
NTA - I feel so sad for you for how much I recognize my own childhood in this post, except it was my bio dad. This is not normal. This is not healthy. This is not okay.
NTA. Oh dear he is very controlling and abusive. I feel so sorry that he’s brainwashed your mom into thinking any of this is okay. If she’s not too far gone, try and have a conversation about him and his rules.
I’m assuming he doesn’t have any children of his own so I’m not sure why he and your mom think his “parenting style” is any better than your mother’s was—sounds like you were doing great before he came along.