Woman can't forgive military fiancé for missing grandad's wake due to 'mental breakdown.'
"AITA for struggling to forgive my fiancé for not going to my grandads wake?"
JMP152
I F (28) have been with my partner M (26) for 3 years and we have an amazing relationship and now have a 10 month old baby girl. We’ve never had an argument,if we’ve ever had a disagreement we’ve talked it out. I should mention my partners in the military and only comes home once a month so when he is on leave we make the most of it.
My grandad passed in November and when I called him to come home his first reaction was I need to speak to my CO, there was no “I’m sorry” or “I’m here” which made me feel I had no one to turn to and I broke down that night.
Me and my family have been through hell, there was a lot of negligence that happened in the hospital and getting him cremated was postponed due to this. My granddad didn’t want a funeral so all we had was the wake to pay our respects as a family.
My partner came home the other day and 2 days into his leave was when the wake was. On the morning of wake he was very short and blunt with me but I put it down to our daughter being fussy. He when started snapping at me and I said don’t bother coming if you’re going to be like this.
I finished packing the car and put my daughter in and realised he actually wasn’t coming. I called him to the front door and said if you don’t come I’ll never forgive you. He shrugged and said okay, I started bawling my eyes out asking why is he doing this and of all days today was the day I needed him most but he was silent and I left.
I was a blubbering mess and had to pull myself together for the wake. When I came home 2 days later he said he had a mental breakdown ( he does have a few days the same time every year where he’s not himself) he kept apologising and tried explaining it felt like he had no control of his body.
I used to suffer with mental health myself so I understand and I’ve told him I understand his reason but it didn’t make that night any easier it was the one night I needed his love and support.
I’ve told him I don’t know how to move on from this and it will take me a while but he’s acting like everything’s fine then saying things like “you don’t show me affection anymore” and I feel like saying because right now I don’t. I’m still so upset about everything that happened and he’s acting like it never happened. I know I need time but AITA for struggling with forgiving him?
I’d like to make one thing clear,he has never cheated we often go on each others phones and we’re very open with each other and we trust each other. I understand from just reading this story I’ve only given you a snippet into our relationship so I get why people are speculating but I can confirm the cheating isn’t true. I’ll post an update tomorrow.
UPDATE: We had another talk and he expressed he felt really triggered that day but he has no idea why, I do agree with a lot of people saying this may not be S.A.D and also his mum does have a lot of mental health issues including bi polar, schizophrenia, depression and a lot more however my partner has only ever been diagnosed with depression.
I do know that 5 years ago he had a mental breakdown while being deployed which ended in him having to fly back early to his base (he’s only brought this up to me once and his mum told me what happened as my fiancé was very vague). He did have to do mandatory therapy for this.
I’ve told him that he needs to seek therapy again or if he feels he needs to be back on medication then to talk to his doctor. He is trying to make up for it by agreeing to going to family events now however this doesn’t make up for him not going to the wake.
I think it will take me a long time to accept this and he’s aware and completely understands. For now we’re going to enjoy our first Christmas with our baby and hopefully I start to feel less sad.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
SoVerySleepy81
If he is that mentally ill where he’s having dissociative spells then he would no longer be in the military, because he would be treating everyone like this not just you. To me it sounds like that’s an excuse that he uses because he knows that you will accept it as an excuse. If it’s real then he needs to go get help for it if he doesn’t go get help for it then you absolutely should not stay with him. That is not a safe situation to have your child in.
He left you to handle a serious family loss by yourself. He had time off to help you and he came home and made you take your baby daughter with you to handle everything alone. What did he do when you were gone?
The OP responded here:
JMP152
He said it’s seasonal depression. Every year around the same time he’s just not himself but I’ve only witnessed it this time as he was home so I can’t say how bad his previous years were. He has seen a doctor before and prescribed anti depressants but came off them 8 months ago.
I did express I’m worried about him being left alone with our daughter and he reassured me but I haven’t left them alone together. He just said it was that one day he couldn’t cope with which I struggle to understand.
That’s what’s devastated me the most, he had the time but just couldn’t with little explanation as to why and it was so hard as my daughter is teething so was fussing the entire time! I can imagine he played on his Xbox all night, he told me he couldn’t sleep and it hit him at 4am what he had done.
MammothHistorical559
Smells like BS and we can agree on that. The question really is what are you going to do next? nTA but best of luck it’s a lot to deal with.
The OP again responded:
JMP152
Thing is as this is a reoccurring thing I don’t want to dismiss it but I also can’t accept it as an excuse? I feel at a crossroads and don’t know what to do as he’s acting as if nothings happened!
KaleidoscopeGreat973
Your fiancé's behaviour was incredibly selfish. It was unacceptable to expect you to just sweep it under the rug now that he feels better. One possible explanation for his actions is that he had severe anxiety about going to a wake.
Funerals and wakes can be very triggering for people with unresolved grief or fear of facing their own mortality. He may have panicked and picked a fight to avoid going. If that's the case, it does not justify hurting you. He could have discussed the problem with you.
I would not let this go until he makes a sincere apology and commits to medication and therapy, so nothing like this ever happens again. Until he takes responsibility for managing his condition and getting treatment, I would reconsider staying in the relationship.
Gjardeen
Are you his vacation? With him being gone so much you must pack all the good things into the time when your are together. Maybe he banks on his time with you being fun. You suffering and needing support isn't fun. If so then you never had a real partner, just a playmate.
lmyrs
He's lying to you. Unless he is is participating in ongoing treatment to ensure it never happens again, he isn't even sorry.