Woman surprises fiancé with tattoo to honor him, he calls off the wedding. UPDATE
I [M31] don't like tattoos and my soon to be wife [F30] just got one in the worst possible place
As the title says, I don't like tattoos. I don't think you are special for having one, I don't think you are a deep person for getting a random Chinese character on your skin, I especially don't like those intricate big tattoos that cover a lot of skin. I just don't like them.
Having said that, I have friends that have all of the above, and that's fine, it's not on my skin, it doesn't bother me, and as long as we can talk about anything else, it's all fine.
Enter my soon to be wife. We've been together for 5 years. She is painfully aware of my feelings. But she still wanted to have a tattoo before we marry. A symbol of us to carry with her. I didn't really like the idea, but what can I really do? I love her, and what harm can a tattoo do?
We talked about where she should have it done, and the back of the wrist came as a suggestion, the shoulder, on her leg, on her back (tramp stamp), etc.
She goes and has it done, and I can't be there with her because I have an important client visiting at work, and time off is impossible. She texts me during work. She tells me it's done. That she loves me. I ask for a picture of the end result, and she tells me tonight, it will be a surprise.
So I finally get home, she's dolled up, super tight black dress, stockings, everything for a night of fun. She tells me to go have a shower, and she will have dinner ready in the meantime. I ask to see the tattoo, she tells me later. I am frustrated, go have the shower, come back, have dinner.
Then we get to the fun stuff. I didn't see the tattoo on her wrist or legs, so I think to myself it is either on her back, upper thigh, or her shoulder. I am fine with that. I undo her zipper on the back of her dress, then she turns and lets her dress down. Instant mood killer.
She had it done on her chest, above her breasts. It's big and in your face. It leaks above her breasts (like on top of the breasts). It has thick contours.
Yeah, this didn't go over well with me. She completely ignored my opinions, she disregarded the places where we agreed she could have it done, and it's a monstrosity of a tattoo in a place where I will always have to see it if we make love or she wears a bikini or something that displays cleavage.
It is also something that is personal to me. Of all the things she mentioned the tattoo will be, she never told me about this. She said she wanted it to be a gift to me, to show me her dedication.
I feel disrespected and ignored, like my wishes and desires have no meaning to her. To me it shows what she thinks my status will be in our relationship, that she will just be able to go over anything I say and make drastic decisions without caring of the consequences.
Well, a consequence of this is that I am calling off the wedding.
She is in freak out mode. Says she thought I will like it. That she wanted to show her dedication to me. That she will have it removed. Basically anything she thinks I want to hear.
My side of the family is understanding of my reaction, they know my standing on this matter, they know it wasn't something I just pretended to hate but secretly loved.
Her side of the family is split. Her mother is more conservative, so her motives are not too straight forward. Her father is on my side. Her sister is all in on dear sister's side. Her brother is neutral, doesn't want to get involved.
To me, even if she gets the tattoo removed, it shows her willingness to ignore my side of things, do things her way, then scramble and try to fix the eventual f*ck up. I can't have that in a relationship.
What do you guys think? The wedding is definitely off, that decision I won't revert. What steps would you take regarding the relationship? Is there anything worth saving here? Is this how she will always be, or was this a spur of the moment decision?
Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you.
Here were the top responses after the initial post, including, the answer to the real question we all have:
Out of curiosity, what was the tattoo of?
The OP finally tells us:
Wings, with a heart in the middle. Inside the heart there is a symbol that is a birth sign I have on my body.
What like an actual birth mark you have? That’s....really weird. (Her tattoo not you having a birth mark)
The OP explained:
Yes, I have a birth mark that looks like a flower. Think 5 petals. If you'd saw it, you'd think I had a flower 'form' pressed on my skin, and it left a mark there.
So she had the tattoo with wings on the side, symmetrical, above her breasts over her chest, the wings grow from the shape of a heart, and in the middle of the heart is the flower, that is a replica of my birth mark. Unmistakably what it is.
Now that that is out of the way, people can finally discuss:
Not that this will change anything and for the record I'm on your side with this but, there is no change she could get that tattoo successfully removed. At best she'll be left with a bunch of muddy lines and blobs of color. Tattoo removal isn't like an eraser it's a long painful process that removes light ink and lightens heavy ink. What the hell was she thinking.
Also may I just say, I'm heavily tattooed and have had tattoo ideas I haven't gone through with because my wife didn't like them. Marriage is a team sport and if you can't support your teammate you can't play.
She f*cked up big time but tbh you sound like a nightmare yourself.
If you’re quickly willing to break up with her over a tattoo, I dunno if it was gonna work out anyway. Not trying to be rude, and I respect your opinion. But out of all the trials and tribulations you could be faced with together, in my big picture view, it seems like this is lesser in comparison to what could have been.
I am completely in agreement with OP. This was something they discussed and OP made a compromise that, while he does not like tattoo, he was OK with his fiance getting one- it was discussed, they were in agreement. The very fact that fiance made SUCH a production in revealing the tattoo is an indicator that she knew full well he would not be happy.
I'm so over the response ' It's their body, they can do what they want!' OF COURSE YOU F*CKING CAN, BUT I CAN ALSO LEAVE YOU IF YOU GET ONE. You can't have it both ways- a relationship is compromise. That was attempted here, but fiance decided to do what she wanted.
I feel bad for not-wifey, as that's a big gesture, and I'm sure she's devastated that it's gone over so poorly. But you guys don't communicate, so it is better that you not get married.
Well, the OP definitely followed the responses as they flooded in and decided to return with an update four days later.
[Update] I [M31] don't like tattoos and my soon to be wife [F30] just got one in the worst possible place
I would like to thank those who provided feedback and perspective, and have not straight out called me an a**hole.
We will continue with the wedding as planned. We realize we still need to work on our communication. But we are also painfully aware how miserable we both were during this whole ordeal. This has been our first serious 'fight'.
What happened?
Insecurity. She had this idea that I don't think she is dedicated to our relationship. She wanted to prove it somehow. Turns out, the end result wasn't something she was that happy with either. My initial reaction didn't help, and for the next few days things spiraled out of control.
After the post here on reddit, I decided we need to sit down and put our ducks in order. I love her, and she loves me, and there was no reason why we would not be able to untangle this mess.
Why I hate tattoos? All she knew is that I am not a fan of them, but not the reason. When I was younger, a lot younger, I was horribly abused by someone that had many tattoos. I don't associate people that have tattoos with abusers, but I am also not a fan of the tattoo culture because of it.
She didn't know, because I never talked with her about it. I suppose I never wanted her to think I am vulnerable. Or that I was. You can imagine, after these many years, my thoughts on the matter are still mixed. Anyway, she was horrified to learn about this, started crying.
She will have the tattoo removed. After the original post I have come to the conclusion that her new skin decoration is something I will have to live with, but at the end of the day, she is the one I want, and a mild annoyance will not define our relationship. I told her this, but she will get it removed anyway. I think she is horrified by the revelation :(
We also decided on couple's counseling, to see if it is something that will work for us. If either of us will be uncomfortable, we will not continue with it.
We also decided not to be a**holes to one another in petty matters. I will wear shorts again, god dammit! Ha ha, that was a funny conversation. We won't impose restrictions on one another. I will go out with friends and watch football with them again. She can go and meet her girlfriends. We will put a lot of work in ourselves individually, and as a couple.
Turns out, we have a problem with communication. But the prospects are positive. Her insecurities are a huge issue. She didn't want me to go out with friends, because some of them are single, and what if they bring women there that tempt me? So she always had to be there. You can see where this is going.
I am happy with the results of the original post. She is happy I took the initiative and broke the ice. My fear was that she had gotten the tattoo done as a 'power play'. But there was no malice. I just want a relationship of equals, where a decision can be made as a couple.
We will see where this is going, but the last two days have been amazing.
I was asked this question, so here is the answer: we live together. We own a house 50 - 50. The night of the tattoo reveal, I went to my parents. She went to her parents. Essentially, until two days ago none of us lived home. She said she doesn't want to be there if I am not there.
As a closing note, this could have been a huge mistake for both of us. Communication is key. I urge couples out there to learn from my story, and open up to one another. Had I done that sooner, I would have never been here. Thank you.
After this tonal shift of an update, here were the top comments:
This is exactly why it is so important to explain WHY you feel the way you do about something. In the first post, you seemed controlling. You didn't know she felt she had to do something to prove her love.
Now you seem like a reasonable person asking something of the person you love, because of a past problem. Had you told her everything up front, this never would have been the outcome. Congrats on working it out!
It sounds like there are a few more red flags in your relationship than just the tattoo. You cant go watch football with your buddies without her because there may be single ladies there and you will be tempted? I think you need to pause the wedding for a year and then see where you guys are. Don't rush into something here.
Now that you added some context about your distaste for tattoos, it all makes sense. Your initial harsh reaction is understandable, especially since the tattoo was not what you expected, and so in your face. On her chest / breasts? That was a bold move. Sounds like she regrets it too.
I am happy for you OP. We need more success stories around here, too many broken people and relationships, despair and anger. Congratulations for the wedding. May the two of you be happy forever.
Not sure if either of you have looked into the removal process, but it's unpleasant. A professional removal clinic can usually get rid of most tattoos, but it's not always guaranteed. It will take several years and will cost thousands of dollars if it's as big as you said.
I hope that you learn to associate tattoos with the woman you love, instead of with your past and accept it as part of her. THAT is what would be the ideal solution. Removal is going to be extremely expensive and extremely painful for her. Oh, and she will still be left with scarring in the shape of that tattoo, so it will never really be totally gone. You'll just get a scarred wife instead of a tattooed wife.
I think couple's counseling sounds like an excellent idea. Perhaps even pre-marital counseling. You two still have some insecurities to work through on top of the communication issues.
The OP left his final thoughts in the comments on this update:
Hey, thank you to everyone for reaching out. This last week has actually been amazing for the two of us.
She already consulted a specialist in tattoo removal. He's also a plastic surgeon, and has some recent type of laser that is apparently very good at removing tattoos. He said there would be no significant scarring, maybe where the lines are really thick, but he thinks it will not be noticeable. Alternatively, if she goes for more less intense sessions, it could go out without any scars.
She's happy about that. And she also talked with the person that will do her makeup for the wedding, and they already tested a tattoo coverup cream (makeup?).
The tattoo opened all doors. We talked about our insecurities, and needs, and wants. And we know where we both stand. There is not much difference of opinion. She was very insecure about my dedication to the relationship, since the grand gesture through the tattoo.
And her insecurity was immediately confirmed by my reaction, because she rationalized that even if I hate tattoos, if I love her I will work through it. She was lacking some information from my past, though, and since we had time to talk, I hope she knows I am with her, and my reaction was not about her or my feelings toward her.