Wife tells husband he's earned day to himself; he chooses her family's Thanksgiving.
"AITA For wanting to skip my wife's family Thanksgiving because I need a break"
tgivingbreakaita
My wife (38F) and I (38M) have 2 kids (6 & 4.) A little over a week ago, my wife came down with a virus that won't be named. No one else in the family has gotten sick (we've tested multiple times) and we've pretty much secluded my wife to our bedroom.
I've been doing my best to keep things in order and I like to think I've been doing OK. My wife has told me multiple times during the past week how grateful she is for me taking care of everything while she's sick and how I deserve a break to do something for myself once she starts to feel better.
Yesterday morning, my wife woke up feeling much better and finally tested negative and by the end of the day she had no symptoms. She still kept herself in our room most of the day just to be safe, but she did not require me to take care of her like I had been the previous few days.
Last night, she thanked me again for all that I did and again said that I deserve to take some time for myself. I told her that I had been thinking about that and said that I would like to stay home by myself this coming Saturday to have some peace and quiet. The issue is that Saturday is her family's Thanksgiving gathering because people have other plans for Thanksgiving Day.
She did not like my idea one bit and told me that I can't skip her family Thanksgiving just because I want to have a quiet day at home. I told her that she told me multiple times to take some time for myself and due to our schedule and other family commitments, this Saturday is the best chance for me to have time for myself until after the new year.
Her issues are that it's a long drive to her parent's house (3 hours) and they don't have space for us to stay overnight. She doesn't want to make that drive with both kids by herself. She also doesn't like the idea of me skipping a family gathering for no real reason other than wanting a break.
We kind of argued about it and I told her that I don't like that she told me to find time for myself, only to go back on that and make it seem like I have to find time that is convenient and acceptable to her. I told her I don't want to wait another 6 weeks to get time for myself.
She asked me what I was going to do if I stayed home and I told her I would probably just stay at home in pajamas, watch college football, play video games and maybe pop a couple edibles. That set her off even more and she told me that if that's how I'm going to spend that time, then I need to come to her family Thanksgiving and find a more suitable time to do that sort of thing.
She feels it isn't "fair" to stick her with the full stress of taking the kids on a long drive to a family gathering without me there to help. I told her that if I'm only allowed to take time for myself when it's convenient for her, then she shouldn't tell me multiple times that I deserve a break. I know if I just stay home she's going to be pi$$ed.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
WielderOfAphorisms
ORIGINALLY Y-T-A
EDITED due to updated information from OP * NTA
Taking time isn’t the same as skipping a family holiday. If you don’t want to go to Thanksgiving, just say as much. Don’t put it under the guise of taking time for yourself. When you’re sick does your wife get to take a holiday off? This is kind of disingenuous and I think you know that.
The OP responded here:
tgivingbreakaita
"When you’re sick does your wife get to take a holiday off."
My wife has skipped family gatherings on my side before, yes. And I never guilted her about it.
carbinePRO
What's the context of her not going? Was she just taking a personal day like you?
Also, is this your way of retaliating? Because if so, this is the child's way of doing it.
The OP again responded:
tgivingbreakaita
Once was because she was burnt out from work and wanted a rest day. The other time she had just gotten home from a friend's funeral and wanted a day at home to decompress. Both times I supported her decision.
carbinePRO
Y T A. You're choosing a day to have a break that is highly stressful involving family as well as a major holiday. She didn't choose when she gotTHEvirus. Honestly, what you did was just being a good husband/father and is to be expected of you regardless. Remember your vows? "In sickness and in health."
Not to mention, how do you think this is going to make you look to her family? You're choosing yourself over EVERYONE, for no other reason than you want a break. That is next level selfish. You want a break? Don't pick a major holiday. Coordinate a sleepover for the kids, and ask your wife to have a girl's night. It's not that hard, my guy.
Edit: OP in the comments said her family is racist towards him for being Indian. I wouldn't want to be around them either. Changing to NTA.
Mogglen
NTA. From what you've said in the comments I'm now leaning towards NTA. There is clearly a toxic dynamic surrounding your extended family involving racial issues, and your wife is not respecting the fact that you need time to rest.
There are far too many YTA's here that stem from toxic masculine ideals. If you need a break cause you're burnt out, you need a break. The nail in the coffin however, is that your wife has skipped out on YOUR family gatherings due to HER being burnt out or mentally unwell. So why are you not able to do the same?
The OP again responded:
tgivingbreakaita
"leading me to believe you might not like your extended family."
I will put this as politely as I can. Her family and I tolerate being in the same place for short periods of time.