Woman writes a salacious autobiography and sends it to all of her ex-boyfriends.

When you date someone, you expect that the private parts of your relationship won't be shared with the world. That creates the comfort of the environment for vulnerability allowing you to get close to someone.

On a popular Reddit thread in the Today I F*cked Up Subreddit, one man receives an email from an ex with a book manuscript that he's horrified to read.

He writes:

A few days ago, I (28m) got an email from my ex-GF (25) with the subject line: 'I did it thanks to you!' The email had an attachment. The attachment was a manuscript. The manuscript was an autobiography written by my ex. The autobiography's title instantly took me back to when my ex-GF and I were still dating.

I was inexperienced then, whereas my ex-GF had more than enough experience. We enjoyed talking about past relationships and what we enjoyed about the naughty parts of it. It was never a thing in our relationship, just casual conversation. My ex had more stories to tell, and all of them were entertaining.

I remember joking about how she should someday write a book. We laughed and made love, and a few months later, our relationship ended. It was sad, but alas, life continued.

We're now back in the present. I finished reading the manuscript an hour ago. There were 72 chapters. Each chapter was about a person my ex had known sexually. No real names were mentioned. Only character labels. Like The Surfer, The Biker, The Jock, The Older Man, etc.

I remembered some of the stories and 'characters based on the details my ex shared with me during our relationship. Others were new. But new or not, it was fun to read until I made it to Chapter 39, my chapter. She titled it 'The Turtle.'

Remember, all the partners my ex-GF mentioned in her manuscript had something specific about them that made the intercourse memorable for her. For example, the Surfer always smelled like the ocean, which never failed to turn her on. The Biker had gang tattoos from the neck down, but the one tattoo that always made her rip his clothes off was his pet hamster tattoo.

Then there was me. A guy who couldn't swim, let alone surf, had no tattoos, and with practically zero experience at the time. What was so memorable about me?

According to my chapter, the answer was my 'adorably small penis.' My ex-GF described how she had almost forgotten what it felt like NOT to choke before she met me. She compared my junk to the head of a baby turtle, thus my chapter and character name.

Based on what I was reading, not only did I have the smallest one compared to all the other people she's dated, but I also had the only penis that somehow managed to look 'too innocent' for sex.

It didn't come across as if my ex-GF was purposefully trying to insult me, but I think most people can understand what a sensitive topic penis size can be to any guy who's not hung like a horse. I still need to contact my ex and provide feedback, but I will need some time to process what I read.

It's not every day someone writes a book about your small d*ck. Welcome back, insecurities I didn't think I would have at this age.

OP then wrote an update:

Since my original post, I've become friends with one of the other guys my ex-GF wrote about in her manuscript. He introduced himself as the Virgin, which made me think of one of the chapters in the manuscript. I checked the manuscript, and sure enough, there it was, the Virgin, chapter 52.

The Virgin's message had details about my ex-GF and her manuscript that I never shared with anyone on the internet. As we were comparing notes, it became clear to me that he hated his chapter more than I hated mine. Based on what he shared, I was convinced he was who he said he was.

The Virgin, according to the manuscript, was ashamed to tell my ex-GF (or our ex) that he was a virgin before the two of them eventually did the deed. Still, he was proud to inform her that he probably made more babies than most non-virgins because he was a regular sperm donor at the local fertility clinic.

He also frequently used the suggestion box at the clinic to request that the Scooby Doo adult film parody be added to the collection. He did not appreciate that our ex decided to document his first time AND add anecdotes about him that he shared with her in private.

His response to my ex when he was done reading her manuscript was not kind. I knew we would be friends. We realized we have much more in common than having the same ex. We live close enough to see each other from time to time. Hopefully, none of you end up reading about us in a book.

lordfuoco says:

At least, usually, turtles come last!

malahhkai says:

I’m right there with you, friend. This hurt to read.

patchinthebox says:

Try not to worry about things you can't change. You just gotta work with what you have. When life gives you lemons, just say 'f*ck the lemons' and bail.

throwRAha9zqx says:

Dude, I’m pretty sure it’s not the same person, but I remember when I was dating, I matched with a woman on a business trip from SF. We met up and had a lovely date, and then she told me she lived in SF and there would be no second date. I was annoyed she hadn’t disclosed that initially, but I shrugged it off and moved on.

Later I found out she ran a blog exactly like you mentioned. Except she also took clandestine photos of her date as well. She wouldn’t show my face, but I could tell it was me. I also found another of my good buddies in there as well. We both chatted about it, and he was less disturbed than I was, but neither of us was excited to have our date be content fodder.

Jiggarelli says:

Weird how badly he wanted a Scooby Doo parody so bad! Pretty cool that you guys are friends now.

Well, OP, that sucks, but maybe you and the Virgin can fall in love.