I met my boyfriend on Tinder at the beginning of my freshman year of college. I was a very naive 18-year-old. I'd been on dates, but I'd never been in a relationship, and I hadn't even had my first kiss yet.
I was pretty miserable during my first couple of weeks after moving in, so I joined Tinder, where I matched with several guys from my school. One of them I found quite attractive. He was a junior and a brother in a reputable (but notorious) frat.
He invited me to one of his frat's parties, so I went with some girls I'd met at orientation. There, he took me upstairs, and we made out, but I think he could tell I was very inexperienced, so nothing more happened. I pretty much fell in love with him, even though we'd exchanged only about three words.
I didn't see him until a couple of weeks later when he invited me to a party he was throwing. I was expecting us to at least hook up, but when we got there, he was clearly with another girl, and there were tons of other random girls, who I assume he was also hooking up with.
I was naive but not an idiot, so I forced myself to get over it. I didn't see him again until my spring semester when I drank too much, and he ended up at my dorm, and spent the night together.
I didn't see him again until the fall semester of my sophomore year. We hooked up the first week we were back on campus. I still didn't catch feelings again, though, until we started seeing each other regularly every week.
At that point, I was pretty much in love with him, although this time I did have reasons beyond just him being a large, attractive popular man. We weren't dating, but we got to know each other, and I saw his many virtues. However, it was still clear to me that he wasn't into me in that way, and that I was one of a number of women he was dating, so I didn't say anything and kept it casual.
He also had a pretty terrible reputation wiht women even amongst his frat brothers. His Instagram comments were usually filled with them saying things like "all 2500 of his followers are his girlfriends."
He graduated at the end of that spring semester, and we saw each other one last time before he left. It was incredibly intimate and really cemented everything I felt for him. So, after we both left campus, I confessed to him that I really liked him and that I wasn't okay with just hooking up with him anymore, for my own sanity.
Miraculously, he said he also had feelings for me and asked me out on a real date. We started dating and have been together since, and the whole time has been healthy and happy for us.
Last Thursday marked our 1-year anniversary of becoming official. He got me an incredibly thoughtful gift basket, including some jewelry, a painting, and a card.
In the card, though, was a printed picture of a pros and cons list on a whiteboard. He explained to me that he saw my confessional message when he was hanging out with his brother.
My boyfriend said he really didn't know what to do and wasn't sure if he wanted anything more with me, but wanted a stable relationship. So his brother suggested he make a pros and cons list of ME, and he did.
Here's a paraphrase of the list:
Pros: cute, great bum, likes me a lot, sweet, lots of friends, doesn't go out too much, close to her family, really smart and academically successful, good future ahead of her and definitely not a gold digger, would do wifey duties.
Cons: dates around, met on Tinder, frat rat, blacks out a lot, doesn't care a lot about her appearance, kind of nerdy.
Based on that, he apparently decided to ask me out to dinner and then decide what to do based on how it went, and it went well enough that we started dating.
He showed it to me with nothing but good intentions, but I was absolutely floored for obvious reasons. I have been pretending to be sick since then as I figure out what to do.
On the one hand, he is my dream man, and I am so glad to be with him. He has been nothing but incredible to me, and we have a great relationship. Logically, I know that he wasn't in love with me or anything when he asked me out.
I'm sure he had some idea of how I felt and he never did anything about it. But it still hurts to think that his feelings towards me were so ambivalent that he needed a pros and cons list to just ask me out.
I can't really talk about this to anyone in my life, as many of them already dislike him, and I don't want to bias them further. So, I thought I would ask here. What can I possibly do? I like to think that I have more self-respect than this, but I really love him and don't want to cause conflict in our relationship over something he definitely didn't think would hurt me.
OP Provided some updates:
First off, I just wanted to clear up a couple of things: No, he isn't the only man I've ever been with. I dated other men before committing to him.
He was very respectful when we were together before dating. I was drunk, but not blacked out, and I'm the one who told him to come over. I enjoyed it and continued talking to him afterwards.
Now for the actual update: everyone's comments were a real wake-up call. I did already realize, at least somewhat, that the entire time we'd known each other before dating, he had treated me poorly.
I justified being with him by saying that he'd changed because I'd won him. But the pros and cons list made me realize just how little he thought of me, and giving it to me made me think that he still felt the same way towards me.
It also made me realize that in his mind, he was settling for me, and that he probably only really liked me for the things I did for him. I also realized that although that was fine for a while (he is really hot, to be honest), I definitely didn't want to have kids or spend the rest of my life with a man who didn't actually like or respect me.
I also made my own list, as some of the comments suggested, which made me realize how much I was willing to overlook for an attractive man. I would never give it to him because, even though a lot of people seemed to think I don't really love him, I do care about him a lot (for some reason), and I would never do anything to hurt him. But here is the list:
Pros: 6'2", big, attractive, popular, good job and makes lots of money, close to family, can be sweet, pays for things
Cons: NPC, has no hobbies or interests, drinks a lot, clearly doesn't respect me, kind of stupid, not interesting, hardly an intellectual, not well-read, don't have a lot to talk about together, friends don't like him, not good in bed.
My list made me realize that not only does he kind of have nothing going for him, but being with him also reflects pretty terribly on myself and my values. I'm not really ashamed of myself because I met him when I was 18, but I hope I will not be this shallow of a person for my whole life.
So, I broke up with him this morning over coffee. He wasn't really upset and was just kind of like, "damn, okay." He did try to convince me to stay, but I was firm, and we are officially broken up. I blocked him on everything because I have no self-respect when it comes to him, and I have no doubt he would try to booty call me soon if I didn't.
My friends are all actually thrilled and are hosting a party for me tonight. My family was also pretty relieved. They didn't hate him, but they thought he was really stupid, and I think they're happy I won't be polluting the family lineage with idiocy on that level. So, thank you, everyone, for the wake-up call. I guess I will see how adult life without him in it goes!
Here are some of the top comments:
When there's four variants of "he's got the personality of a cardboard cutout" and three variants of "he's as sharp as a globe", you know you need to raise your standards. Good for you!
Stupid but makes money. What kind of job is that? I want that.
My last boyfriend was a mimbo. It was like I was dating Ricky from trailer Park boys intellect wise. He wasn’t a bad guy just very into himself and extremely stupid , like shockingly so.
Eventually the novelty of a beautiful body and dick gets old when there is nothing going on upstairs. Overall would recommend the mimbo/bimbo experience at least once in your life lol.
The reaction of your friends and family says it all. They knew you deserved better, and now you do too! Congratulations on your freedom.
What do you think? Was OP right o break up with her boyfriend?