Japanese husband says it's customary for the wife to give the V-Day gift; AITA?
AITA for telling my husband he is insensitive for not wanting to get me a Valentine's Day gift?
My husband is Japanese and I'm American. Every year we rotate between American and Japanese-style Valentine's. With Japanese style, the woman gives the man chocolates, which he reciprocates on White Day a month later.
Usually, I bring up Valentine's Day a few weeks in advance and we discuss how we will do it that year. We often can't remember what we did last year, so we have to discuss it. This year, to let him make his own decisions, I bought him chocolate and I let him deal with whether he wants to do it on his own.
Three days before Valentine's Day, he asks me which way we are doing it this year. I say it's up to him. He seems to remember doing it American style last year, so he wants to do Japanese style this year. I say okay.
The next day, I remember that we actually did Japanese style last year. I tell him so. He asks me what I would like to do then. I say it's up to him. He chooses Japanese style. When I ask him why, he says there is no particular reason and he didn't think about it much.
I got upset because it seems like he made the decision based on what is easiest for him rather than considering what I would like. As I am American and we did Japanese style last year, I would have liked to receive something.
He says I shouldn't get upset because he would have done it American style if I had told him I want that. However, I think he should have come to that conclusion on his own.
At first, I tried not to say anything since I didn't want to control his choice. However, he could tell I was upset so he asked me what was wrong. When I told him, he argued with me about it. Then we got in a big fight where I basically said he is insensitive and he said I am overly sensitive. AITA?
Reddit was happy to weigh in:
I really don't know how the dude can make it any clearer that he's just not that into you anymore. He checked out at least 4 years ago, probably more.
Leave. For your own sake. While you still have some self respect. This was painful to read, you deserve better. NTA
YTA. You asked a question and didn't get the answer you'd like. That's emotional jailbaiting, especially since he asked, after you pointed it out, what you want to do and you still allowed him to choose and now are upset that he didn't 'pick right'. Pretty obviously an AH thing to do.
I'm feeling queasy from reading all the passive aggressiveness going on. My best guess is that you're a normal person being driven nuts by a guy who controls you in weird passive ways. Please get out. And read Codependent No More to start detoxing from this awful relationship.
OP edited their original post to add some enlightening details.
My husband secretly met another woman ~2X a year for four years and complained about me to her while pretending to me that everything was fine. There was no romance, but he shared a lot with her that he didn't share with me, and she encouraged him to lie to me. I gave him another chance and we are supposed to be reconciling now.
My husband is often passive and I am often labelled as controlling. Recently I told him I will no longer make requests of him (re: housework, planning dates, etc.) and allow him to make all his own decisions.
For me, it's not just about Valentine's Day. It's about the lack of effort, especially after an emotional affair.
Final votes from readers then came flowing in.
Honestly I wouldn't get him anything. He had an emotional affair. He wanted a second chance and now he wants to be romanced on Valentine's Day? Yeah, no.
You are TA for not just telling him what you want. Just skip Valentine's Day until you are in a better spot. And engaged in some marriage counseling.
YTA, and omg, you are infuriating and exhausting. How many times do you need to have it pointed out to you why you're TA here ??
You gave him a choice instead of clearly stating what you actually wanted, then get upset when he doesn't choose what you want. You tell him you suddenly remember that last year you did Japanese Valentine's day, then expect him to somehow just know you want American Valentines Day??
STOP with the passive aggressive mind game sh*t! Holy Christ, the man is not a mind reader, and honestly, if this is how you always behave, it's no wonder he sought emotional support elsewhere.
Your husband isn't stupid, he's confused and bewildered about what the hell it is you want, because you seem chronically incapable of just using your words and telling him instead of making him jump through hoops trying to read your mind.
I am also American, married to a Japanese man, for nearly 44 years now. In Japan, on White Day, you're supposed to be given white chocolate, hence 'White Day'. I loathe white chocolate, so we just give each other regular chocolates, maybe a small gift, or flowers, or a card, on Valentine's Day.
Why don't you just agree to something like that for future? That way you both get something and avoid the hassle, since neither of you can remember year to year which culture you're doing?
If this were just about Valentine's day, YTA because you told him to choose, and he did. The second time, when you realized what happened last year, brought it up with him, and gave him the choice, that was not a real choice if you knew you would react this way....
The problem is that I don't think you knew you would react this way. Perhaps you really thought you'd be okay with him choosing. Perhaps you thought he'd do exactly what you hoped he would do. We can't know.
Overall, you both just sound lonely, and that is exceedingly sad. I hope you guys learn to be each other's life companions instead of just roommates.
This comment was enough for the OP to address personally:
bellow_whale (OP)
No, I really did not think he would make that choice. I thought that once he knew we did Japanese style last year, he would definitely choose American style. We alternate every year, and I am American, so of course I would prefer that, right?
You are right that we are both lonely, which is why I am talking to strangers on Reddit. Thank you for your advice.