Hosting a successful wedding isn't just about making sure there's enough food for all the guests, or that the venue looks picture-perfect, it's also about managing all the emotional factors.
Making sure guests feel comfortable at the party is a major factor, while still keeping the primary focus on the happiness of the wedding couple. Sadly, this isn't always as simple as it sounds.
AITA for 'rubbing my family's face' in my 'great life?'
Oh man, this one stings. My husband (yay!) & I got married last weekend. I come from a very poor background and a huge family from a tiny town. We are close even if I've always been the weird and different one (moving away etc). Hubs comes from a huge, more middle-class fam.
One of my favorite things to do is host and entertain. I think life can be hard and making people comfortable or showing them a great time is a really worthwhile thing. It's also fun for me, like a giant crafting project, to plan an event. I love it. My husband does very well and I have been lucky to have a great career and do the same.
Our wedding was the only time likely for all these people we both loved to be in the same place, to meet and celebrate together, so we wanted to make it special and magical. We were very clear that gifts were not necessary, and I set aside a fund for my aunt and I to coordinate covering any expenses for people who wanted to come but couldn't afford the hotel, an outfit, etc. but quietly.
I know a huge wedding is a waste to many people but it isn't to us. We did 3 days of events and covered meals and open bars for 300 ppl. We had a short Cirque-type performance, a big welcome party with a kind of carnival for kids, gift bags for everyone, and lots of surprises. It was so fun to watch all the joy & everyone smiling & happy.
Everything was optional, we shamed no one who came to only one part or couldn't swing it. At brunch on the final day my aunt pulled me aside and asked me to go to my cousin's room and console her. She said she had been sobbing all night/morning because her wedding (in Aug) would be nowhere near this level and she thought all our family would hate it and judge her.
My heart broke! Every wedding I've been to with my family has been lowkey, maybe in a barn or rec center, someone's backyard. No one has ever judged or looked down on this (nor would I- just different styles) and we always have a great time! I left my guests at brunch and spent the better part of an hour with my cousin trying to assure her of all the above.
I told her a wedding is a celebration of love, not money etc, and that we were all very excited. She finally got weirdly calm and stopped crying, then just looked me dead in the eyes and said something like, 'Well you don't need to worry about it because you're not invited anymore.' Then locked herself in the bathroom. I came back to brunch and most everyone was gone.
I was crying but didn't want to make a scene and just got out as fast as possible. My husband keeps telling me not to take it to heart, but I hate that something we worked so hard to make fun and memorable for people ended up making someone I love feel terrible!
And now my aunt (her mom) has started telling people I just did this to 'rub my family's face in my great, fancy, rich life' etc. I feel sick. I was so happy and proud and now I feel so stupid. Did I really F this up that badly? AITA?
Second, NTA. A quote: “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
You had an amazing celebration, please don’t let one person spoil it. You will never be able to please everyone. You cannot cater to everyone’s desires. Do what works for you, be humble and gracious (and it sounds like you did this well so major props!) and let the rest fall as it may.
I don’t have a ton of evidence to back this up, but part of me thinks that she/they were hoping to guilt you into offering money towards your cousin's wedding. Her mother and her being so 'distressed' about how her event wasn’t going to be as fancy, emphasizing that she was worried about being judged for her less expensive options.
It just feels like she may have been attempting to manipulate you into offering cash to make things more 'fair'. Then, when you didn’t follow the script she dropped the poor little me act, got mad, and uninvited you.
Now, to cover it all up they are badmouthing you everywhere because painting you as selfish and nasty is a great way of covering up what they were trying to do. You are NTA. Either your cousin is hilariously oversensitive or they were up to something. Uninviting you because your event was 'nicer' is such a massive overreaction.
NTA- after reading a million Reddit posts about people being crazy selfish re: their big day and demanding a lot from everyone, this was a refreshing read. Sounds like you were legitimately focused on everyone having a great time.
There is always going to be someone jealous or resentful when they don’t have what you do. It’s your money and time and energy so if you want to spend it throwing a celebration of your love (for family, friends, AND husband), do it!
I went to a wedding a few weeks ago that was more extravagant than anything I'll ever be able to afford unless I hit the lottery. The only think I thought was, 'Damn, it sure was nice that they invited me.' NTA.
Clearly OP is NTA, but her cousin and aunt need to check their priorities when attending someone else's wedding.