My (F35) fiancé (M30) and I are considering cancelling our wedding and eloping instead because of my MIL. MIL has never tried to have a positive relationship with me. She makes sure I’m not included in conversations, belittles my achievements and talks down to me. Things escalated when I was planning fiancé's 30th. MIL fought me on every detail and accused me of not knowing my fiancé at all.
(I planned a golf weekend away for him and his family) he loves golf. Fiancé confronted MIL and asked why she doesn’t like me? MIL admitted she doesn’t like me. Doesn’t like my partner driving me to his family events, didn’t like it took me a month to find employment when I moved to a different town to be with fiancé. Fiancé receives calls and texts from MIL daily. If he doesn’t respond, she blames me.
Fiancé told her if she doesn’t stop this behaviour toward me he will no longer speak with her. I agreed to meet with MIL to smooth things over and try to move forward. MIL never took me up on it. But things seemed ok for a time. Fast forward to fiancé's brothers wedding. Wedding day arrives and we were to be at the venue at 4pm.
Five minutes to 2pm, fiancé receives call from MIL saying the family photo shoot is in 5 minutes. We hadn’t been told of a family photo shoot? MIL demands we arrive at 2pm for it. We frantically get ready and arrive at the house where the wedding was. There was never a photo shoot planned. MIL comes out in her pjs and tries to hand me suit shirts to iron. I refused.
MIL snaps at me asking where my son is. He was never coming. He’s at the hotel. MIL continues stating everyone thought he would be there. I respond he was never coming and we RSVP'd just us. She has been told multiple times he wasn't coming. The ceremony is over & I started to have guests come up to me asking where my son is. I don’t even know these people's names. I tell them he’s at the hotel.
Looks of disgust are thrown at me. My new friends stopped talking to me. I realized these people were being told my son was at the hotel, but not how old he is (teenager). The wedding was a place of ridicule and disgust toward me.
Christmas Day at MIL house. Her family scurried away from me on arrival, refusing to hug or greet me. One man, whom I had met once two years ago, aggressively accused me of leaving my son alone on Christmas Day. (Son was at father's place this year). The rumour has continued and now not only does the MIL hate me, so does her family.
I made up an excuse to announce the fact my son was a teenager who just finished his first year of high school at the top of his class. Everyone's jaw dropped. None of them knew he's a teen. MIL hurried out of the room. Now fiancé wants to cancel wedding and elope because of MIL.
Fiancé is demanding I speak with MIL one last time in order for him to cut her off. AITA for not wanting to confront MIL and for cancelling the wedding?
By way of background, fiancé has previously spoken with MIL and tried to set clear boundaries and said if this doesn’t improve, he will no longer have a relationship with her. It has only gotten worse. Now fiancé wants me to sit down with MIL and confront her behaviour before he can cut her off. I don’t want to sit with her and confront her but fiancé says he needs that to happen.
The wedding that is planned for three months time consists of 90% her side of the family that don’t like me. I know I will be blamed for MIL not being invited and I expect more blame etc.
Why? What purpose will confronting her serve, and why is it your responsibility? He either believes and supports you, or he doesn't. This isn't your problem to solve, and don't let him make you own it.
"Fiance, your mother has clearly stated she does not like me. She has spread outright lies and slanted truths to make me look bad to your family. I am not willing to subject myself to any more bad behavior from her and will not be discussing this any longer."
Dee_Ree OP responded:
Thank you for your comment. I completely agree. Fiancés demand that I confront MIL one more time in order for him to accept her behaviour and cut the rope does not make any logical sense to me. It’s caused a lot of heartache and frustration on me.
When I’ve asked him why he needs me to do this, he can not give me a clear answer. Fiancé said he doesn’t want to resent me. But I feel if I’m forced to do this I will feel the resentment toward him. Honestly, I put it down to fiancé wanting me to cave and pretend everything is ok to avoid the conflict for him. I just won’t continue to do that.
Yep, he's setting you up. If you don't confront her, he'll say, well, I just asked her to sit down with my mother, and she wouldn't do that for me. If you do, then something you say, no matter how innocuous, will get twisted to be the reason that she's not at fault.
Dee_Ree OP responded:
Exactly. If I thought MIL was a rational person, willing to own what she has done with horrific intent, I would be more inclined to have this meeting with her. But I know how very capable she is of twisting everything I say and do to make me out to be some kind of monster as that is exactly the issue at hand.
Fiancé has witnessed this behaviour for years and it’s not the first time he insisted I speak with her. I’ve done everything he has asked of me. This has given us a negative result so I don’t understand why we would keep doing that? Isn’t that the definition of insanity?
She knows what she has done to me. That’s all the closure I need. I wish it was enough for him too.
Significant_Break149 wrote:
NTA ELOPE! It will be so fun! Use the funds to go somewhere magical, get the dress off your dreams (if that’s important to you), take the best photos, eat the best food, have the time of your life. If they already hate you, you’ve got nothing to lose! Doooo ittttt.
Fearless_Ad1685 wrote:
NTA. But don't cancel the wedding if a wedding is what you and your fiance want. If you do have a wedding, only invite the people that support both of you. Don't invite anyone who doesn't support both of you. If that means, no MIL, she'll just have to live with the consequences of her actions.
Stranger0nReddit wrote:
NTA, but why cancel the wedding? If you want a wedding, you should have a wedding. That doesn't mean you need to include your hateful MIL or anyone else who doesn't support you/your relationship.