Bride won't change reception location for fianceé's disabled sister. AITA? UPDATED
Let's admit it, the bride usually gets most of the say on planning their wedding day.
So, one woman was shocked when her future sister-in-law chose a location for the wedding that was not accessible for her wheelchair. She was certain it must have been a mistake. But when she pointed it out to her FSIL, the bride held her ground. The argument escalated very quickly and she was left feeling shocked and hurt.
"AITA For making my brothers wedding reception 'about me'?"
I (25F) am a bridesmaid to to the fiancée (30F) of my older brother (31M). She and I aren't particularly close but I don't dislike her and I suspect she asked me just because i'm my brother's sister.
I of course agreed and I was even fine with her putting me in whatever style she wanted so long as it didn't involve me cutting/dying my hair. You know, any major changes. It's not my day I can suck up an ugly dress and act like it's gorgeous if that makes her happy.
The issue however is that i'm a wheelchair user. I know that the wedding venue is fine for me as it's our local church, totally accessible so all good. It's the venue being used for the reception that worries me.
I asked her where the reception was going to be and if it was accessible for me and had an accessible bathroom, you know just covering my bases. She didn't get back to me. I figured she was busy so left it a week or so before chasing her up again to re-ask. She told me she wasn't sure so I asked where it was and she told me.
I ended up looking up the building and my heart sank, it is an old building, not accessible at all for me and no bathrooms I could feasibly use either. I told her this and she got very upset saying my brother had told her that he'd cover the cost and she should just pick whatever she loved and that she loved this.
She then went on to suggest that we could just have someone carry me into the building and my family or the other bridesmaids could help me use the bathroom when needed which the very idea of mortified me. I'm not about to agree to being carried in and needing help to go to the bathroom.
I ended up giving her two options, if she wanted me at the reception she needed to pick somewhere that was accessible. If she didn't pick somewhere accessible then i'd of course still be her bridesmaid at the wedding but i'd have to skip the reception.
She got upset at this as she feels like everyone especially my family will notice my absence and question it and it'll make her look bad. She then told me I was making this about me which wasn't fair when it was her day.
I won't lie at this point I was enraged, I wanted to tell my brother to let him sort this but I wasn't about to start sh*t between them over this and I pointed out to her that yes this was her day and I had no intention of making it about me however by marrying my brother she was joining our family.
I told her she needed to realise that she was not as sensitive as she thought she was and suggesting that I be carried into the building and aided going to the bathroom was downright insulting.
This led to a larger fight and she told me if my brother didn't already know I was her bridesmaid that she'd not want me to be it anymore. I called it quits at that point and told her she had my two options and it was up to her which she wanted.
Am I the a**hole here? I don't feel like asking for the minimum accessibility is a lot but maybe i'm too upset by the situation and her suggestions to see it clearly.
Here were the top responses from readers after this first post:
NTA, but I don’t know why you wouldn’t just tell your brother that you’re sorry but you won’t be able to attend the reception because the location isn’t accessible. Give him the chance not make this right in case he truly doesn’t appreciate how inaccessible the reception location is.
It doesn't sound like she has any desire to fix the situation. Given how far out in advance venues are booked, you may want to bring this up to your brother sooner rather than later.
NTA. She was completely out of line to ignore your requests for information about accessibility, especially given that you are going to be part of her new family AND her bridal party.
This is on her. You asked early, she ignored you. She can have the venue she wants, and you're not stopping her, but she has NO grounds to demand you attend at a venue that doesn't accommodate you.
TBH, I know that you don't want to get your brother involved, but I think it might be a good idea before this gets too out of hand. Don't tear her apart, but just be very gracious. 'I'm so excited to be in your wedding, but it looks like the reception is going to be off the table for me due to the venue being inaccessible.'
Also, kind of confused why your brother didn't make it abundantly clear to her that each venue needed to be wheelchair accessible, when he's lived with you your whole life. I hope he's not often that inconsiderate either.
This isn't making her wedding about you. This is you simply declining an invitation that doesn't actually include you. She should have known better and so should your brother.
The OP decided to listen to readers' advice and talk to her brother. The next day, she provided the update people were waiting for:
UPDATE
Hi everyone here's an update to the situation, as many of you suggested I checked in with my Brother and told him what was going on and I found out that the reason he'd left the reception to her was they'd made an agreement with him covering the ceremony and she'd cover the reception.
We're Catholic so he cared more about the religious side of the event while she cared more about the reception/party as she's not religious which isn't a bad thing just different.
I showed him the texts and explained what had happened, he was p*%sed off at her suggestion I be carried into the building and assisted in going to the bathroom and after only a quick search of the venue she'd picked he could also see it wouldn't work out for me.
He promised he'd resolve this and have a talk with her. He was annoyed at me for not bringing this to his attention sooner and told me I shouldn't worry about his feelings over this.
The best part of all of this? the venue isn't even booked yet, he had assumed she'd pick out somewhere accessible but has admitted that he should have ensured that and not thought it a given so he has told me he'll see it's changed and if it isn't they have a bigger problem on their hands.
The part that really got to him though was the admission that she didn't want me as her bridesmaid if he didn't already know and he told me in that case he didn't want me being her bridesmaid and instead wanted me to be his grooms woman which I agreed to.
I've yet to hear back from him on what's happening, so I can only wait and see. I'll update further when I know more.
Here are the comments this update inspired:
Kind of a weird dynamic to have the planning be so separate on the very day you are joining together as a married couple.
It sounds like the SIL might be able to have the venue for the divorce party if she doesn’t get it for the wedding. ?
Yeah, this is far from over. Glad the brother has her back.
The craziest part about that is that she doesn't think she'd look bad when OP's family gets there and realize that they have to carry her into the building and that she'd have to be stuck sitting in a chair not participating the entire time and then has to ask for help to go to the restroom, if she can get anyone's attention.
If not she'll end up having an accident and drawing even more attention to the fact that the bride chose a venue that she knew wasn't accessible for the groom's sister and her own bridesmaid.