Bride wants sister to walk her down the aisle, groom's family wants 'a man to do it.'
Weddings by their very nature are steeped in old traditions.
There are decades-old patriarchal mores weaved into the ceremony of weddings, and each couple has to decide whether they want to stick to the classics or customize their wedding to fit their ideals and personal relationship.
Sadly, not all couples can agree, especially when in-laws and extended family are brought into the fold. And in many cases, the conflicts that come up around the wedding itself can be instructive about what might come up in the marriage as a whole.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she's wrong for holding strong on wanting her sister to walk her down the aisle.
She wrote:
AITA for letting my sister walk me down the aisle despite my fiance and his family's objections?
I (23F) was raised by my older half-sister (32F). I never met my dad and our mom OD'd when I was 10 and my sister was 19. My sister's dad was still in her life and was willing to support her, but not me.
My sister chose to be my guardian and her father's family went low-contact with her as a result. In order to raise me she gave up a lot; her relationship with her father, college, her 20s, and so much more.
A few months ago I got engaged and I told my sister that in addition to being my maid of honor, I also wanted her to be the one to walk me down the aisle. All my life she's had to fulfill so many roles for me -- big sister, mother, father, friend -- that it only felt right that those multiple roles be honored on one of the biggest days of my life.
My sister was ecstatic and so was I, but when I brought it up with my fiance he objected. My future in-laws are very traditional and my fiance had always expected that his wedding would be a very traditional white wedding.
He said that it was great that my sister was my MOH, but that her having two roles wasn't and that it wasn't appropriate for her to walk me down the aisle since that's usually done by a man. Apparently, his family had assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away since I don't have any male relatives.
I told him that I appreciate his father being willing to fill that role, but that the one who make me the person I am is my sister and so it's right that she be the one to give me away. It turned into an argument that's spread to my in-laws.
My MIL called me a few days ago to say that although she understands how important my sister is to me, that it's also my fiance's wedding and I shouldn't be putting my sister before him on his day. I definitely heard her on that, but this is still important to me.
At this point, my sister has even said that she doesn't mind just being the MOH and that she doesn't want to turn my happy day into something stressful. So now it's just me holding out and being stubborn, but I really don't want to concede on this point. Am I being the AH?
The internet had a lot to say about this one.
JayBilzeriansPillow wrote:
Tell your MIL that your FIL can walk your fiancé down the aisle if he wants to give someone away. Or better yet, strongly consider not marrying into this family because they’re the a**holes.
drainedbrain17 wrote:
NTA. I admire the effort your big sister put in to raise you. Having her walk you down the aisle is a no-brainer. Also you made me tear up. Thanks, I'm at work and am the grumpy miserable old bloke.
NTA, and this is a hill to die on in my opinion. How is it that you're 'holding out and being stubborn' - couldn't you say that about your fiancé? He wants to take away something meaningful to you because he wants things to appear his way - that's entirely self-serving. You're not putting your sister before him, you're putting her on your side, right where you want her.
This is weird controlling behavior on your fiancé's part, and it gives a very bad vibe about him and his family. What happens down the road when/if you decide to have children? If you pick out a child's name, does he get to veto that and replace it with a name of his choosing, too? What's your role going to be in his 'traditional' household, and is that ok with you?
I'm not saying to end things over this disagreement, but do take a good look at where you are and where you're heading before going forward.
EtherPhreak wrote:
I hate to say it, but you may want to put the wedding on hold, and reevaluate if this is a family you wish to marry into. The 'Traditional' roles could start small, but become something you hate. NTA, and I wish you the best of luck.
BriefHorror wrote:
NTA don't marry him. This will be the rest of your life. Your sister will never be respected because she isn't a man.
'She walks me down the isle or I don't walk down that isle.'
I wouldn't even give him that much.
ReviewOk929 wrote:
NTA.
What a wonderful way to honor your sister and the roles she has played in your life.
Your partner's inability to grasp something so significant to you is disturbing.
The fact that your MIL and probs partner think you are putting yourself ahead of his/their feelings would make me run a mile from them all.
After receiving lots of support, OP jumped back on with some updates and clarification.
EDIT:
I did not expect this to blow up like this and haven't been able to read through all of your verdicts and comments yet, but I wanted to clarify on some of the inquiries which I've seen repeated so far.
Are the in-laws contributing to the wedding?
Yes. In fact, they're paying for about 75% of it since I'm in still in school and don't have the money to put towards a wedding the scale that fiance wanted.
Does your fiance have sisters?
No; he has two younger brothers.
Did he ask your sister for your hand?
He did, actually. She also helped him custom design the engagement ring. She showed me their group text and at one point they spent three weeks trying to decide between five different diamonds. 'Maybe I should just propose with an infinity gauntlet'. It was very sweet and cute.
What about when you have children/Have you talked about children?
Because of a medical condition, I am infertile, though neither of us feel a particularly strong urge to be parents anyway. But we also know we're still young and that may change, but even if it does it would be very far in the future.
I know all too well that things happen, people leave or fall down or die and so even if we got to the point of wanting to adopt it would have to be when I'm financial stable enough that even alone I'd be able to support and care for a child without it being major blow to my or the child's quality of life.
Could you walk down the aisle by yourself?
That was my sister's suggestions when she said she was fine just being the MOH, but I rejected it. Because of her, I never walked alone on the worst days of my life so I'm definitely not going to walk alone on the happiest.
Your sister is amazing!
She is, as far as I'm concerned, the definition of strength and love and I am collecting all of the kind things you all have said to show her because she doesn't realize how amazing she is and it's a gd crime.
Please update us
I absolutely will. You've all given me a lot to think about, including underlying motivations and larger implications. I'm going to be taking a few days to sit with that and with myself and my feelings, but I promise to make an update about how I've decided to move forward.