'Bride talked smack about us but still wanted us at her wedding. So we went.' UPDATED
"Engaged couple stopped talking to us after inviting us."
The engaged couple stopped talking to my husband and me a couple months ago. At that point they had already invited us to their wedding. I know via a mutual friend that the bride has talked smack about me in the meantime, trying to sow division between said mutual friend and me.
We don’t feel particularly welcome for all of the above reasons. But we are also neighbors and don’t want to create drama. Should we still attend the wedding in two weeks, or politely decline last minute?
UPDATE: We decided to attend. It starts at 5:30 and they aren’t serving dinner (they’re just doing charcuterie and maybe a few apps). So we made two dinner reservations at one of the nicest restaurants in town (we’ll be very dressed up) for 7:30 and for 9. If it’s awkward, we’ll bail at 7.
If it’s ok, we stay another hour and a half. We’ll just cancel whichever we don’t need. Thanks to everyone for the advice on this awkward and uncomfortable situation! I really appreciate it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Why on earth would you even consider attending?
Are you kidding? Free food, drink, dancing? Just show up, act oblivious, and have a great time -- up for every dance, seconds on food and drink, some boisterous jokes. Just go there and have a good time oblivious to any tension etc. I wouldn't make trouble or try to ruin the wedding, but I'd be a bit of the life of the party.
If you already rsvp’d… I’d honestly go and enjoy the food and party lol. NOT going will be the final declaration of “we are now enemies” and it’s true that if you’re neighbors this might bring more tension. Might as well enjoy the party on top of keeping the peace.
Info needed: What caused them to stop talking to you? Knowing this would greatly affect your decision to go to the wedding.
Hungry_Plant_8720 (OP)
We honestly don’t know. One day we were texting back and forth, then poof. We sent a birthday card to the guy (sent one to her 3 months earlier for her bday. My husband’s birthday came and went without a peep), sent texts on his bday. No response. We aren’t living there atm so there’s literally no way we did anything.
The woman was talking smack at the same time, which is when our mutual friend gave me the warning. The only thing I can think of is that something we wrote in the birthday card upset them? It was pretty basic except that we “drew” little pictures of things he likes. Nothing offensive or mean (just very poorly drawn ha!)
If anything we should be the ones who are pissed after they gave us an offensive and ridiculous gift as a wedding present, blew off our going away gatherings for petty reasons like going to the movies, yet still hounded me to leave behind our karaoke machine for them to use while we are gone. I could go on. We have tried to zip it over the years in order to keep the peace so this is an odd turn.
I’d be tempted to put it on the couple. Text them a nice message along the lines of you realize things have been strained with them for a while. As you had RSVPed to their wedding, would they prefer that you don’t come and use your space for two other people that they’d perhaps prefer to have attend. Make THEM say it!
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
Thanks to all who weighed in on our situation. We ultimately decided to go to the wedding and act as if everything was normal. We got a very curt and awkward hello from the groom. Same from the bride - even shorter. They seemed almost surprised to see us.
(Side note: In response to my original post, several people asked what we did to make them stop talking to us. I assure you, NOTHING. We haven't seen them since January. All of our text exchanges were completely normal and friendly, nothing out of the ordinary.
Not long before they stopped talking to us, the bride sent a picture of the lilac tree I our backyard and said they were thinking of us. We exchanged texts on 4/27 and 5/4 was when we wished the groom a happy birthday never received a response).
We also learned that what we had been told would be a ceremony for just the couple and their teenage kids, was in fact a ceremony with guests. We saw pictures and there were people in attendance who are not close friends whatsoever. We were close. We would hang out at least once a week whereas other ceremony guests were very surface level).
Anyway, we stayed at the party for about 2 hours and then left and went to dinner. My husband was kind enough to film all the speeches for them because nobody else was.
The day after he texted them with the footage. They said thank you. Then the bride followed up with a second text saying they would love to get some time with us, and there was certainly lots to catch up on, to which I responded the following:
We have certainly missed our porch hangs and have hoped to hear from you on one of your trips to [CITY 1 where we are living for about two years for my husband's job and where the bride is from and returns to frequently).
Let us know next time. We have heard you feel our friendship has unraveled, but please know this. We have been to [CITY 2 where they are and our neighbors] together three times since November: March when you were the only people we made time to see, July when we hoped to see you after our vacation, and this visit for your joyful party.
We were glad to be there. You looked incredibly happy. Wishing you continued joy over the years to come!!
Mazel Tov and L’chaim!
I debated if it was the right time to reply, but given she opened the door with her second text, it didn't feel inappropriate. My intention in sending is to a) get it on the table; enough of this awkward hostility and emotional withholding b) make clear that we know have they have spoken about us unkindly.
Had she not said anything, we were not only prepared but planned to let the friendship fade completely and no longer initiate contact. Of course, there was no response to my text. So who knows.
I am glad that we went for various reasons, not the least of which was to have confirmation that what we were feeling was not an overreaction or misinterpretation on our part. As far as we are concerned, our friendship has indeed ended. We remained kind and gracious, and took the high road. They are choosing hostility and classic narcissistic withholding tactics.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I think your text is great! Not hostile, unraveled is a kind word to use. I’m confused about part of the situation tho. You mention porch hang outs and that they’re your neighbors. But… you moved? Like they were your neighbors in LA but you’ve moved to Vegas or something?
Hungry_Plant_8720 (OP)
We are living two hours away for about 20 months for my husband's job. The bride is from the town we are currently in, has business dealings here and returns frequently. We spent NYE with them here.
They have not reached when they have been here (we wouldn't know when that would have been, but in all the years we have been friends, we know they have certainly been here in the last 8 months).
When we were preparing to go, she said we'd see each other frequently because she/they are here so often. When we left, it was clear that we all intended to stay close and connected. She wanted me to start a book club so we could stay connected that way, too. It's all just so bizarre!
Are you sure about this? They didn't kick you out of the wedding. They were polite and cordial. Their alleged stinkeye may have been many other things, including not having the time to spend with you you would have wanted because of their other guests or you're reading into facial expressions that have nothing to do with you?
They just got married. They're dealing with post-wedding stuff. They're tired. You wanted to have a very big conversation with them about your friendship right after a big life event.
Being left on read about this isn't "narcissistic withholding tactics" like this. This is a huge ask. Could she have said something? I mean, sure but there are plenty of people who don't want to have big conversations like this over text. They're not doing anything hostile other than just not immediately attending to you, which is a weird bar for hostile.
Has the friendship cooled? Possibly. Friendships fade. That's life. Is it possible that you've read way too much into this and come on way too strong ensuring this is way more than it needs to be? Also very possibly. Don't assume it's them when it could be you.
Hungry_Plant_8720 (OP)
There is a lot of history there and we know them well. She is a narcissist and we have known this for as long as we have known her, which is why we understand the behavior. We have always accepted her as she is. It's hard to capture a long friendship in a post.
I understand you want to things out in the open but maybe your text could’ve just been, “You’re welcome. We’ve love to see you!”? She opened the door a crack but you came back with a recap, albeit well-intentioned. Maybe you should’ve had the conversation once they visited. This friendship is probably over.