'Fiancée cheated during her bachelorette party. I am struggling to decide next steps.' UPDATED

Finding out a partner cheated can be devastating, and picking up the pieces and figuring out next steps can be even more devastating.

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a man asked if there was any potential to "salvage" his relationship with his fiancee after she cheated on here bachelorette party. He wrote:

"Fiancée (29F) cheated on her bachelorette party. I (32M) am struggling to decide the next steps."

My fiancée (29F) and I(32M) have been together for about seven years now. We were supposed to get married next month. Before all of this happened, we had no issues with cheating, or any big fights. This is the first time anything like this has happened between us. About two weeks ago, my fiancée approached me and asked me if I would be open to us having a bachelor's and a bachelorette party.

This was something that made me really uncomfortable. Personally, I believe that these kinds of parties only serve to encourage infidelity before a couple gets married and that they aren't something I'd be interested in.

I expressed that to my fiancée, but she told me that if we did have them, they'd just be friends hanging out with us celebrating our future wedding and that we wouldn't have the stereotypical "last night of freedom" kind of party. After talking for a bit, and establishing some boundaries, we agreed to have the parties on the same day, which happened to be this past Wednesday.

When Wednesday came around, my friends came over to our place for a game of DnD that was supposed to be themed around my character getting married, while my fiancée went out with her friends for a pub-crawl. I was having fun with my friends until about roughly three hours into our game when one of my fiancée's and I's mutual friends texted me and told me that we needed to talk.

Obviously I immediately became concerned and asked her what was going on, but she said that she didn't feel comfortable discussing over text and said that she'd rather speak to me in person. This really messed me up, and for the next hour, I couldn't really focus on anything else because I kept wondering what could possibly be so important that she wanted to come over and talk to me.

By the time she arrived, my friends and I had already wrapped things up, so I was just waiting for her to come. She came in and asked for us to sit down and talk, which is when she revealed to me that my fiancée used the party as an opportunity to cheat on me. I immediately felt like Mike Tyson had punched me in the chest.

This was exactly what I was afraid of when my fiancée first approached me about having these parties, and she assured me that was the furthest thing from her mind. Until then, I had no reason not to trust her, so I believed her. I felt so stupid for not seeing this coming. I asked my friend if she was sure of what happened, and she showed me a video of my fiancée kissing some guy at a bar.

Apparently this video was shared in a group chat that my fiancée and her friends were on to plan the party. I honestly don't know how I didn't break down crying when I was showed the video. I felt like I was going to throw up. There was the woman that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with kissing another man while her friends cheered her on.

This next part is my friend's recollection of the events that led up to the cheating, so I don't have a whole lot of details. Apparently, my fiancée's Maid of Honor spent the entire night complaining that I "wouldn't let them have a traditional bachelorette party" and that I was "too controlling and jealous." My fiancée didn't push back on any of it, and just kept drinking and having her fun.

At some point, some of the women noticed that she had been getting attention from some of the men, which is when the MOH started to encourage her to flirt. My fiancée gave some weak resistance, but eventually she gave in and approached one of the guys at the bar. This is the point where our mutual friend became uncomfortable and left the party early.

But she was still in the group chat where the video was shared. I thanked my friend for telling me what happened, and asked her to forward me the evidence, along with anything else that might end up being shared with her. After she left was when I finally broke down crying. I then texted my fiancée, telling her that I knew the wedding was off.

Just a few minutes later my phone was flooded with text messages from her and her friends. They even tried adding me to the group chat where they shared the video of her kissing the other man. She got home about thirty minutes later. She was crying when she came in and begged me not to call off the wedding. She was telling me that she was drunk and that she didn't know what came over her.

She claimed that she didn't do anything other than kissing, and that she loved me. I stayed silent through all of her crying, which I think only made her more desperate. She kept saying how sorry she was, how it would never happen again, and how she would cut off all the friends that were at her party. I told her that I didn't want to talk about what happened, and that the wedding was still off.

I also told her that she could call her friends over and have the "traditional" party she obviously wanted so much because I was leaving. This made her even more desperate and, I kid you not, made her try to block the door to prevent me from leaving. I just stayed silent while packing my bag, then called my sister over and asked her if I could stay with her for a couple of days.

I have now been at my sister's house for the last few days, calling friends and family to tell them that the wedding is off. I haven't told anyone other than my sister the reason. I just feel so humiliated. My ex has been calling and texting me every day for the past two days. My sister has been offering me support, but I just don't know what to do next.

I feel so lost. Despite everything that happened, I still love her. Should I hear my fiancée out? Should I tell people the reason the wedding is off? Is there any hope for reconciliation?

Redditors had a lot to say in response.

Reasonable_Major1678 wrote:

Was there more than kissing?

OP responded:

According to my fiancée, no. She kissed the guy, then went straight back to her friends. They were on their way to the next bar when she received my text telling her that the wedding was off.

Reasonable_Major1678 wrote:

A lot of things could have happened during that time, and I guess after that, you don't have much trust in her. Also, do you think her friends set her up?

OP responded:

You're right that the trust is pretty much gone. I don't think that this was set up. From the way our mutual friend described it, it felt like the opportunity presented itself while the rest of the group egged my fiancée on.

GingerSnap4949 wrote:

To me, that just feels like she's not taking full accountability and is willing to put quite a bit of blame of her friends. Yes, they should be cut off. My friends would NEVER have encouraged that scenario, put me or let me put myself in a situation that could result in that, much less cheer it on and encourage it. They would have dragged my a** from the bar long before it could go that far.

People are who they surround themselves with, are any of them married? I'd be curious how any and all of those Bachelorette parties have gone and if this is a pattern for that group. The friend that came to you seems to be the only one with morals. I have zero tolerance for cheating. Once that trust is gone, it really doesn't ever fully come back. I couldn't deal with always wondering or questioning her motives.

OP responded:

I don't know all of her friend group that well, but, to my knowledge, only the friend that came to me and told me what was happening is married.

Mehitabel9 wrote:

INFO: I'm curious about what the boundaries were that you mutually set for these parties. What exactly did you two agree to?

OP responded:

No str*ppers or any other kinds of s*x workers, no staying out until too late, no getting hammered, and no tempting infidelity.

Two months later, OP jumped on with a major update.

As I said in the last post, I called off the wedding. At first, I didn't tell anyone the reason, but as people here pointed out, it was something that I had to do if I wanted to get ahead of this. So I started calling people again and let them know exactly why the wedding was off.

It was a f**king humiliating experience to tell people my fiancée made out with some other guy while her friends cheered her on, but everyone has been really supportive, especially my parents and my sister. I also called my ex's parents, since they helped with some of the expenses of the wedding, and I wanted let them know that they should try to get their deposits back.

To my surprise, my ex's mother picked up the phone, she already knew everything that had happened. Apparently, my ex told them everything. I did ask her some questions to see just how much they knew, and everything seemed to line up with what I knew happened. They didn't try to make me stay with my ex or anything. As for my ex herself, she and I did meet once to discuss everything.

She begged me for a second chance, and even said that she would cut off her friends who enabled her and suggested that we could go to couples counseling.

I told her that I don't want to spend the rest of my life being her warden making sure that she isn't hanging out with people I don't approve of and that if we began a marriage already going to couples therapy for something as big as this, then we were already doomed to fail.

I also told her that I can't see how I would ever trust her again after she did the exact thing I expressed my concern's about, and that a marriage can't survive without trust. So this is where I am now. I'm single, and I think I'm going to stay that way for a while. It still hurts after spending seven years together with this woman, but there's just no trust there anymore.

Anyway, I don't think I'm going to post any more updates. As far as I am concerned, I am ready to close this chapter of my life.

The internet had a lot to say.

KelceStache wrote:

I just don’t understand why people don’t learn to talk things out. That woman is ready to give up her life for you, and you decided to apply the most extreme punishment possible because she drunkenly made out with someone for 30 seconds. A little perspective and a little crime doesn’t fit the punishment. Couples counseling at any stage is a good thing, especially as newlyweds.

OP responded:

I am not doing this to punish her. In fact, I don't harbor her any ill feelings. I just don't have any more trust for her after what has happened. I expressed my concerns, and she still betrayed my trust. I understand that counseling is a good thing for newlywed couples, but I don't want to start a marriage on such a weak foundation.

kevin_r13 wrote:

Wonder how her matron of honor feels now...while your GF made the choice while being drunk, but the MOH definitely had a part to play in it. Like your party, I've been to plenty of bachelor parties where no temptations of any kind were present, just a bunch of guys hanging out together.

No one made jokes about why the groom isn't doing something for his last moments of "freedom" no one pushed him to do or say anything weird that would be out of line for him, etc. In other words, those parties I went to, had a bunch of guys who respected the way that the bachelor wanted to have his party, and everyone still had a great time.

So while your ex did make her choices, that MOH hopefully is either consoling her or booted out of her life.

OP responded:

MOH contacted me once in the early days after everything blew up. She was begging me to take my ex back and said that her friendship was in danger. From the one conversation I've had with my ex, she has been cut off.

moriquendi37 wrote:

"She begged me for a second chance, and even said that she would cut off her friends who enabled her and suggested that we could go to couples counseling." You made the right choice - sorry for what your going through. The above is a reminder of why you made the right choice.

Her friends do mightily suck - but them "enabling" her is an excuse and utter BS. She chose to cheat. She's still not prepared to accept everything is solely on her.

EntertainingTuesday wrote:

I remember your first post. Good on you for staying strong and doing the right thing. You seem very mature, many would just right back into a relationship, good on you for thinking to stay single for awhile.

Taylor5 wrote:

Did you get your ring back?

OP responded:

I did.

k_ajay_mh wrote:

Proud of you dude. And believe me I doubt this was the only time she cheated. It's more like she was in bad luck that your mutual friend was present at the scene. Don't agonize over this. She is still blaming her friends for this, incapable of taking accountability for her own actions.

She isn't going to change for you. I am sure you wouldn't want to marry someone who never loved or respected you. Take some time to heal and grieve. Get into therapy. Don't worry, you are still young. You will find better women. Best wishes.

It sounds like OP is doing exactly what he needs to move forward.