When this gay man is hesistant to be his straight friend's best man after what he experiences with his "insane fiance," he asks Reddit:
Long time lurker but this is my 1st time actually posting here, but I have a bit of a conundrum on my hands. One of my friends (26M) from college has recently started dating this woman (23F) who is nothing short of demonic (not literally, but you will see what I mean).
Myself (23M), as well as all of my other friends (around the same age M and F) all hate her with a burning passion.
She is a pathological liar, cheater and verbal/physical/emotional abuser (I have witnessed this first-hand targeting her ex's and my friend), as well as a manipulative narcissist who suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect. Literally a caricature of a bad partner.
I really don't like her, in case you can't tell, but I think the hate is justified. We warned him many times to not date her, and he refused to listen, but that's besides the point.
Anyways, a few months ago, we were all hanging out and she kept grabbing my ass and crotch. I told her that this behavior was making me uncomfortable and was unacceptable, but she said "it's fine because I'm a girl" (yes, she actually said this, word-for-word).
I am gay, and I'm convinced that she has some sort of fetish for gay guys. She would constantly play Yaoi on her TV when we were over, and she would make some creepy comments...
which is weird because she is also quite homophobic and patronizing (thinks gay men aren't "real" men, but also wants a gay best friend - likely to show off as an accessory).
The worst came when she asked me and one of my gay friends to have se% in front of her (in my hot tub).
We obviously said no, but were both weirded out. Some of the stuff she says legitimately scares me, and is too NSFW for here. My other friends (straight, gay, men, women) have all had similar experiences, including unwanted touching.
Due to all of this (and much, much more I won't get into here), I have decided that I will not be interacting with her anymore.
Any time she is at events with my friend/her boyfriend, I have told them that I will not be there, which, according to my friend, is starting to piss her off. I do not care. My self preservation is more important than her feelings in this case.
Anyways, the main issue I have is, they just got engaged (after less than 6 months of abuse-filled dating, and she's already cheated on him twice with 2 different guys and he still won't break up with her?
And my friend is asking me to be the best man for their wedding. I really don't want to even go to the wedding, mainly because I don't want to even see her, let alone participate in her marriage to my friend, but a part of me is worried I would somehow be letting my friend down by not going/being his best man, but I really can't stand to be around her.
Another part of me says that by going and being a part of it, I am helping to enable her abusive behavior towards my friend. I do not want to be a part of this wedding, and it breaks my heart to see my friend in this situation. WIBTAH if I turned down his offer and didn't go to the wedding?
The whole situation is really starting to worry me. She is starting to wall him off from anyone other than her. It's gotten to the point where she is now demanding that he bring her everywhere he goes. Classic abusive behavior. I don't know what to do, honestly.
His family does not like her. Come to think of it, other than my friend, I literally don't know anyone who doesn't hate her. I have never heard anything positive about her from people other than him.
You should go to the wedding. When they come to "Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace,” speak up and tell everyone you cannot put up with her abusive behavior toward your friend and the other people in his life.
That she has been violent to many people present, including your friend, and this marriage should not happen. Apologize effusively to your friend and then leave the wedding..I know you'll get pushback and called the TA. But sometimes you just have to do what you must do.
Definitely NTA. Friendship isn’t about standing by someone you care about when they’re getting abused. Good friends, like yourself, know when to speak up and not support a loved one when they’re making a huge mistake.
Especially an abusive one. He might double down for a bit, but hopefully he’ll come to his senses when he realizes no one is supporting this awful idea for a very good reason.
Plus, you’re not required to put yourself into a situation where all of your boundaries are consistently being crossed, no matter how much you love someone.
NTA. You WOULD be enabling her, and him. Tell him: "I won't be your best man because you are marrying an abuser who cheats, lies, and sexually harasses me and your friends constantly.
I won't even attend any events she's at anymore. Why on EARTH would you think I'd agree to support your marriage to her? Her homophobic behavior towards me is unacceptable, and you being with her is a tacit endorsement of her ideas and behaviors.
I was never cool with it, and I'm starting to really lose patience. I love you, but you need to know that the longer you stay with her, the more you will lose me. My friendship is neither bottomless, nor unconditional. Basic respect for me is required."