'AITA for rescinding my sister's invite to my wedding and laughing at her husband?'
"AITA for rescinding my sister's invite to my wedding and laughing at her husband?"
Never thought I’d be posting this here, but me and my fiancé are avid lurkers so I thought this would be a good spot to get a judgment. I (27M) have 2 sisters, an older Jessica (30F) and a younger (26F). My parents are divorced and my dad is remarried. When I was 16, my parents split due to my mom having an affair with a friend of my dad.
I was at the age where I could decide who to live with. I chose my dad. My sisters chose to shuffle back and forth. Me and my sisters have never been close since. I have not spoken to my mom since I graduated back in 2014 and my sisters have been b#$%hing about it since. My sisters don’t like my stepmom while I love her, so they don’t come to my dads much which we are both fine with.
I don’t speak to them unless necessary around the holidays. I did not attend my older sister's wedding due to the tension so I’ve never met her husband. I’m currently engaged and our wedding is in December. I planned to invite both my sisters for the sake of my fiancé, who wanted them there.
My younger sister isn’t coming because I didn't invite my mom and instead have my stepmom involved and I’m happy with that. My older sister pretends to be this big family person on social media so I think for appearances she was going to come. After I sent the invite she called and said it wasn’t right to phase our mom out considering her side of the family will be there.
I said I didn’t ask her advicse on the guest list. She said in solidarity with our other sister and our mother she isn’t coming. I said great. That was a month ago. Last week I got a call from a random number who ended up being my BIL saying he spoke with my sister and she wanted to come. I said that isn’t what she said originally.
He said she was trying to force something and that was wrong and she wanted to attend. I said it was too late as the offer had been rescinded. He said that family was important and it would be a good step. I asked who the hell he even was…as I’ve never even met him. He said my sister is too proud to call so he did it for her.
I said it was too bad her ego was that big that she’d allow her husband do her dirty work so there was no invite. I pretty much told the guy that family wasn’t that important given I don’t even know who he is and that his wife tried to threaten me, so I was done with it.
He said a few other things about family and I just laughed at him telling him I don’t even know him, they obviously want a free dinner and he should get his balls back from my sister. My fiancé heard most of the convo and said I was being an AH to him, even if my sister was toxic.
I told her that the AH thing is to call on your wife’s behalf about an issue that doesn’t concern you. And to threaten your sibling with shit to get them to do what you want. So I was just retuning it. AITA?
People flooded to the comment section to share their hot takes:
Have you really considered, though, the fact that you are doing the exact same thing as your sisters? Declining to attend events where your mom is present because it is "uncomfortable," and yet feeling resentful of your sisters for doing the same with your stepmom?
Total-Ingenious10 OP responded:
I don’t see it as the same tho. My step mom has been nothing but nice to them. They never even gave her a chance. As where my mom did things that directly affected all of us. I never got upset at them for not coming to dads either.
As I understood they didn’t like my step mom. I wasn’t given that same empathy by them. Hence why they are selfish. And I don’t think it’s progress when “pride” is still in the way and you have to ask for wedding invites by a proxy
extinct_diplodocus wrote:
Jessica issued an ultimatum: invite mom or I won't come.
OP declined the condition and uninvited Jessica.
Later, Jessica tried to undo the ultimatum via having her husband call.
OP declined to accept the undo.
OP didn't reject the undo in a gentle way, but OP had no obligation to pretend the ultimatum wasn't issued. OP also had no obligation to allow the undo. OP is NTA.
urbanworldbuilder wrote:
ESH. You almost weren’t, but childish insults at the end questioning BIL’s manhood for trying to mend bridges? Come on now. Just tell him, “My decision is final, please don’t call back.” And hang up. Also, your sister didn’t threaten you by the description, so no need to be overly dramatic.
“Invite mom or I’ll cause a scene”-a threat. “Invite mom or I’m not going”-an ultimatum. The difference is one is proposing retaliatory action, the other is them just saying they’ll remove themselves from the situation.
cyrf$%kedmymum wrote:
YTA. Specifically for how you treated your BIL. You said yourself you hadn't met him, you don't know him but you treated him like s#$t when he was nothing but polite and trying to create a bridge. If you really think they wanted a free meal you're ridiculous. Your sister asked your BIL to call and was trying to save a little face.
She wanted to be there for you and yeah, she was an @$$hole and tried to manipulate to include your mother, okay, family do dumb things, she was extending a branch through her BIL because she's embarrassed and you for no apparent reason took a flamethrower to that branch while acting like a child.
You could have just said no, not thrown names, and left it open for the future but instead were unnecessarily mean.
Latter-Shower-9888 wrote:
YTA - you took it too far and you have a terrible attitude. They just want a free dinner? He should get his balls back from your sister? Absolutely unnecessary. You're an adult - act like one.
cuervoguy2002 wrote:
YTA. You sound a bit much honestly. I don't know the history, but it does sound like you are being needlessly mean about all of this. You can invite or not invite who you want, but this guy was trying to mend a situation and you started s#$t-talking and trying to emasculate him for trying to do a good thing.
Even_Influence_3112 wrote:
YTA. You took your frustration with your sister out on him when he was just trying to make peace. And judging from the overall tone of this post, I'd be fascinated to hear your sisters' side of the story.