'My mom changed my wedding cake behind my back. What should I do?' NEWLY UPDATED 2X
"Mom changed wedding cake behind back and doesn’t know that I know. What should I do?"
lollyluwho
My fiancé and I get married this fall, and the cake has been a huge point of contention with my mom. Long saga, but the gist is that we wanted a dessert bar or cheesecake instead of a traditional cake. My mom initially insisted on having at least a small cake for just us to cut. We compromised and got quotes.
Right before we put a deposit down, she decided that having just a cake for us and not for guests is tacky, so we needed to get a sheet cake to serve as well. We were annoyed because she was the one to suggest it, so we cut our losses and opted to do tiered cheesecake and mini cheesecakes, as we originally wanted.
My mom would not let this go for the past 6 months. She then decided to focus on pushing for a groom's cake. My fiancé did not want one. When I told her this, she said it’s “really only a grooms cake in name and not about what he wants”. I told her a firm no (multiple times because she wouldn’t give up).
That brings us to this week. I got a text yesterday saying she was at the bakery and paid for the order. I got suspicious because I never included her in those communications.
I called the bakery today and was told by a very apologetic employee that my mom had added a multi-tiered “grooms” cake, with different fillings, flowers, the whole kit and caboodle. We still have cheesecake, but I feel like it’ll look silly next to what is essentially a wedding cake.
My question now is: what do I do? She doesn’t know that I know. I’m furious and hurt. Obviously it’s just a cake, but it’s not really about that now. She went behind my back and crossed multiple boundaries after I told her no. Am I being a bridezilla for not letting her have her traditional wedding cake?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
knittinator
Cancel it. Cancel it now. And give all your vendors a password that must be given before any changes are made.
acidic_talk
Change the delivery location to a shelter or food bank.
LillyMarquette
I was going to say change the delivery to your moms house. It’s her cake…let her have it at her house.
stemofsage
Why should she have a cake at YOUR wedding? If you don’t want cake, just change the order back and call it a day. And add a password for all your vendors moving forward so changes can’t be made without it.
The OP responded here:
lollyluwho
Everyone I’ve spoken to has either been in the camp of “well they’re paying for the wedding” or “not her wedding, not her cake”. I think that’s why I’m torn because yes, they are paying. But changing the order behind my back?? I’m more upset about the violation of trust than the actual cake, I think.
tropicsandcaffeine
Ask the bakery to convert the cake into additional cheesecake and mini cheesecakes. Maybe a smaller "groom's cake" that looks nothing like a wedding cake. DO NOT TELL HER YOU DID THIS. When you go to the bakery have a password put on the order so it cannot be changed after you make the appropriate changes.
She thinks she got something over on you. If she does check on it the password will stop her from making any other changes. If she shows up at the venue with yet another cake instruct the people at the venue to put it in the back and not bring it out.
A little under 3 months later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: Mom changed wedding cake behind my back and doesn’t know that I know"
lollyluwho
Hello, again! A big thank you to everyone who gave advice on my original post. I’m now married and had the best, most relaxing honeymoon with my now husband without any pesky family bothering us.
By the time I posted, it was too late to cancel the wedding due to deposits and contracts, so it continued as planned. And to clarify: yes, my parents did pay for the wedding, although my husband and I made it clear several times that we did not expect or need them to pay for everything.
No, I don’t think them paying excuses my mom’s actions. My parents reiterated that it was our wedding and we should do what we wanted. Clearly the cake was the exception to this, though she had previously said to get cheesecake if that’s what we wanted.
My husband and I got a laugh out of everyone’s suggestions for how to handle the cake. Initially, I wanted to go the petty route and “surprise” my mom by calling the bakery to change the cake design to something she would find “tacky” that would reflect my husband’s hobbies (ya know, like a grooms cake should do).
After taking a few days to weigh my options, I knew my desire for petty satisfaction would nuke my relationship with my mom, which had truthfully never had this dynamic up until wedding planning.
I knew that she absolutely was the one in the wrong and acting like a child. And while I’m the actual child in the relationship, I wanted to be mature and handle this like an adult, if only for my own moral high ground.
I communicated with my parents and listed all the reasons why this situation, and others throughout the wedding planning process, were hurtful and completely out of line. Shock of the century to everyone on Reddit, I’m sure — it didn’t go well.
There was a series of texts I received from my mom that demonstrated she couldn’t take accountability or comprehend that I wasn’t mad that she “ruined my wedding by ordering a cake,” but rather that she went behind my back knowing it would surprise and upset me on my wedding day. I attempted multiple times to redirect to the actual issue with little success.
We ended the conversation with her apologizing for a cake making my husband and I so upset. This obviously wasn’t a genuine apology or the main issue, even if she thought it was. She also agreed to move the groom's cake to a meal we had the day before the wedding, which I was fine with.
At this point we were a week out from the wedding and the thought of continuing to press the issue was too much for me to handle with everything else on my plate.
I dropped the rope leading up to the wedding so I could refocus on enjoying my wedding as best as I could. I interacted with my mom as little as possible the day of, and our wedding party and coordinator did a fantastic job being a buffer.
While I’ve had some contact with her since, it has dramatically declined so I can get some much needed space. Obviously we’ll need to have some tough conversations, but I’m choosing to spend my time with my new husband (and getting back into therapy!) first.
Weddings, man. They really bring out the crazy in people! Oh, and the cheesecakes were a huge hit btw ;)
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's first update:
MrsNevilleBartos
I'm glad you had the day you wanted and enjoyed your honeymoon. Unfortunately although previously this wasn't the dynamic you had with your Mother, the fact she refused to see her error and wasn't apologetic ..if I were you I would bear that in mind for the future (i.e other major events ,children etc) and plan accordingly.
notaninterestingcat
What is it with mothers & forcing food on their daughters? Mine just did this multiple times in the past week. I'm currently on bedrest from having a hysterectomy. I'm also recovering from esophogitis, gastritis, & cholestatic hepatitis... All while being treated for PBC. Basically, I have a lot going on with my digestion.
Just to give one example, I drink Chai in the mornings. She brought turmeric tea & kept trying to give it to me... It clearly states on the box & the individually wrapped tea bags to not consume if you have gallbladder disease, liver disease, or a biliary blockage. I've had my gallbladder out & even before all the biliary issues had a really bad response to turmeric tea.
My husband thinks she may have slipped it to me at least once when he was doing a snack run, because I had an attack & an upset stomach after she made my tea. That's only one example, but still. He's been great & 99% of her shenanigans were blocked by him. So frustrating.
macaroni_rascal42
Imagine caring about a cake so much you forever destroy your relationship with your child.
VyseVerses
More than that, a sheet cake.
bemuses_shields
I'm not sure I buy that OP's dynamic with her mom was completely different before the wedding. It seems more likely that this was one of the first times OOP was asserting her own preferences and holding firm.
I didn't realize my parents were crazy until my relationship was getting serious, but that's just because I mostly just did what they wanted me to do until then. I didn't have a reason to rock the boat.
digitydigitydoo
Ah the beginnings of the missing missing reasons. OP’s mom will never understand why OP won’t tell her all the details of her life, why she can’t house sit, why she can’t come to the ultrasound or be in the delivery room, why she can’t babysit. It’s all a mystery but it may have to do with cheesecake and isn’t that the silliest thing ever?
One full after their initial post, the OP returned with another update.
lollyluwho
I’m baaaack, with a one year update on how my mom changed my wedding cake order without me knowing. People have reached out for an update, and coincidentally I’ve had several friends get engaged who have similar family dynamics as mine. I’ve shared all of this with them, but I feel the need to blast this out online too.
Now that I’m a year out, I can acknowledge that I love my husband and our life together, but having a traditional wedding was a BIG mistake. When I think back on our wedding day, I am devastated to admit that the few emotions I remember from that day were not how much I love my now husband and excitement over our future together, but anxiety over my mom and whether shit was about to blow up.
If you’re recently engaged and have difficult family relationships, or aren’t completely sold on shelling out a ton of money on a wedding, please let this be yet another loud voice yelling at you: Wlope! have a courthouse wedding! don’t invite problematic guests!
Do whatever you want to do but for the love of god avoid that family drama at ALL costs! I wish would’ve stuck to what I originally wanted (eloping somewhere abroad), but alas, I made my decision and have to accept it.
What I didn’t mention in my initial posts was that my relationship with my mom immediately and irrevocably changed as soon as I became engaged. Even though I knew she could be “a lot”, I had no idea what I was in for.
If I could do it all again, I would’ve stopped that wedding planning train in its tracks after the first few signs of craziness. The cake was, unsurprisingly, just the last straw of craziness that happened.
Greatest hits include:
Telling literally (and I mean literally) everyone she knew that we were getting engaged, less than 10 minutes after my husband told my parents he planned to propose.
Upon sharing the proposal photos with her, commenting on how big I looked in the photos (which are, to this day, ruined for me). Told a family member, who commented on how beautiful I looked at a pre-wedding event, “yeah well she’s gained a lot of weight."
Tried to crash my first look the day of my wedding and acted hurt that she wasn’t invited -did crash my first look and thew a fit when my wedding coordinator wouldn’t let her in -made the wedding all about how she never had a say in anything and that I was the controlling, immature one.
We do still have contact today, but it’s limited and I am very guarded with what I choose to share. She never genuinely apologized or acknowledged the stress and hurt she caused. Short of some major changes on her part, I don’t see that happening.
So yeah, moral of the story is to absolutely soak up the fresh excitement of getting engaged. But seriously, ask yourself if there’s anyone in your life who will make wedding planning hell on earth. If you’re oh so fortunate to have a character like that, have a plan to handle it — and be prepared to enforce those boundaries. And for the extra crazy families out there, maybe just elope.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's surprise second update:
charliesownchaos
Such an exhausting mother.
GraceStrangerThanYou
People really do lose their minds over weddings. It's completely baffling.
Gileswasright
Girl. Not a single thing about the cake, what kind of update is this..???
Chaos1957
As I told my boys many times, just because you’re a grownup, it doesn’t make people mature. I love your advice! And you’re so right about so much of it. Why a mother would be jealous of her own daughter is beyond me but that’s her issue. I’m sorry all her insecurities and issues got projected on to you.