'AITA for paying for my daughter's wedding but not my son's?'
"AITA for paying for my daughter's wedding but not my son's?"
To make a long story short my son was a teen dad. His girlfriend at the time got pregnant right after they graduated high school and I practically raised their baby girl up until they both graduated college and got jobs. During this time I had my full focus on my grandchild which caused me to very stupidly not pay enough attention to my daughter. We’ve made up since and I’ve been making up for lost time with her.
The issue is I’m paying for her wedding but I never paid anything for my son's. I felt like I’d already done and spent more than enough for their family that there was no reason for me to. I got them a good gift and a chunk of change and deemed it enough.
He’s been causing issues with me and his sister about this and has been slandering us on Facebook saying it’s unfair how I’m paying for her wedding but not his. I understand feeling a bit bitter but I’ve spent way more money keeping his family and him afloat than I have on my daughter's wedding.
Honestly, paying for her wedding doesn’t even seem enough for what I did. I don’t know how to feel right now and I would greatly appreciate it if anyone could give me feedback on this.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
More info needed- If your daughter were to have a child in the future, would you offer the same support??
mookday233 OP:
I would but she doesn’t need the support like he did. She and her husband have graduated college and are already well into their careers. I’ll watch their children of course but there’s no reason for me to do like I did with my son.
[deleted]
You clarify in your comments that you are planning on providing childcare to your daughter, but that you don't think it should count because they 'don't really need it'; kinda reads like you always favoured your daughter, briefly got blinded by 'first grandchild' fever, then returned to favouring your daughter and used the fact you briefly favoured her brother instead to tip the scales even further in her favour.
Idk, you do you, but my gut says NAH since your son, while being rude about it, isn't wrong that your statement doesn't make sense. And 'if I tally all of the money for childcare and compare it specifically against the cost of the wedding then I've given less to my daughter' certainly feels like squirrel words avoiding the topic of how much you've already given your daughter in trying to 'make things right' before this.
mookday233 OP:
They are grown adults now and can’t expect me to pay for everything in life. I paid for my sons college because he needed but didn’t for my daughter because she got a scholarship. I paid for my sons first apartment because his family needed it, I didn’t pay for daughter’s because she didn’t need my help.
There’s been many things i’ve given to my son because he needed it and there’s been many things I’ve given to her because she needed it. This is one thing I won’t let myself feel guilty about especially after reading all these peoples comments. My daughter got put on the back burner a lot because my son needed more guidance then she did and this is the one thing that she asked for.
I understand it may feel unfair to him but hearing how she explained to me how she felt growing up made me realize that maybe just once me and him can feel bad about something.
He can see how it feels to be the one who doesn’t get something for once and maybe gain some empathy and I can see how much of a shitty parent I was. I plan on giving anything I can to my children but sometimes you can’t just equal it out. They deserve to have their own things with me.
Select-Anxiety-1557 wrote:
NTA.
Tell them you used his wedding fund to raise their child for them.
Moon-Queen95 wrote:
NTA. Add up how much you’ve spent taking care of him and his daughter and say if he wants you to pay for his wedding, he can pay you back for everything you’ve done for him.
Life_Is_Good199 wrote:
NTA. Your son sounds very entitled and terribly immature. You provided much more support than most teen parents receive from their families. You raised your grandchild allowing him the opportunity to go to college, receive an education, and presumably be in a better position to provide a good life for his daughter. Again, this is a luxury that many teen parents never get to realize.
It is time for your son to start adulting. He is a father with responsibilities and that starts with paying for his own wedding. Time to let him make it on his own and start giving time back to your own daughter.
dazed1984 wrote:
NTA. You raised their kid for years and now he’s whining that you didn’t pay for his wedding? Wow, that is some level of ungrateful. Sorry he can’t see the value in what you did for him.
Jujulabee wrote:
NTA since you more than compensated sons by the time you put into helping them AND the money. Also FWIW, traditionally it is the bride's parents who pay for the wedding - rehearsal dinner is traditionally hosted by the groom's parents.
Obviously, this is tradition and no need to follow tradition as people now fund weddings every different way but OP *could* remind sons of this tradition as well as the fact that OP gave time and money to sons and not daughter who was neglected.