'My parents ruined my wedding and I don’t think I can get over it.' UPDATED 2X
"My parents ruined my wedding and I don’t think I can get over it."
GoddessxM
My now husband and I got married on Halloween and I’m not okay with how our day went. We didn’t want anything big, just close friends and family, at the courthouse, dressed in costumes. There were supposed to be 12 adults and one child that was on our guess list.
Let’s start off with the night before. My husband got sick and he took the whole day to recover to be well. The plan was get my nails done, have my mom French braid my hair, then go home, help him feel better and pack.
When I got to my parents house, my mom informed me that my two aunts weren’t coming and that she invited my cousin. I didn’t want him there, firstly. Second, she told me as my dad was on the way to pick him and my sister up.
I love my cousin, but I’m not close with him and he’s an alcoholic that everybody enables. My small reception was not dry and she promised me he wouldn’t be a problem. The reception was at my parents house, so she was busy cleaning. I still needed to comb my hair out and she wanted to surprise me with decorations.
Long story short, we were running low on time as it was 9pm and I needed to head home to sleep since our wedding was early in the morning. She doesn’t start my hair until after her and my cousin start drinking. I’m already annoyed. I make it home at midnight and still have to check on hubby and pack. I go to bed at 3 am and have to be up at 5 am but I woke up 30 min late.
I drive back to her house to get ready and help her get ready. When I get there everyone is sleeping because after they put up the decorations, they stayed up drinking and smoking.
All ready running late and stressing because the veil I made myself wouldn’t stay, my cousin starts rushing me. My parents start fighting loudly and I’m already exhausted. We make it to the courthouse get married and I got a hand full of pictures but everyone else is in like 30 pictures. I got 1 pic that I liked and only 10 were taken.
We get brunch and only my friends are talking to me and my husband everyone else isn’t even paying attention to us. My mom keeps saying “I’m a mother-in-law today” my friends had to leave(they let us know in advance) so now it’s just my family. My cousin is super drunk, won’t stop talking, no one is listening to me and the only person that keeps checking on me is my husband.
Eventually I get overwhelmed and we check into our hotel and take a nap. 2-3 hrs later, we head back to the house to give everyone a second chance. But they are clearly more intoxicated and loud.
Cuss words are flying my husband try’s to calm me down by telling me to start playing our wedding playlist that we made ourselves. The entire time my cousin is complaining about the music. He wanted us to play more hardcore rap.
Now I wasn’t opposed to song requests and even played some songs he requested. But every song that wasn’t his he complained, asked me to turn it off, or asked when would I play this song.
Our first dance was to “can I have this dance” from High School Musical and he asked me to turn it off. When we were ready to cut the cake no one came and took pictures. No one was even in the room with us because my cousin was drunk rapping his hot mess “bars”.
My wedding day didn’t feel like my day. I had no say in anything, no one paid attention to us, and I have one picture. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life but here I am.
I’m crying at 4:32 am online, no sleep, while my husband sleeps peacefully. I couldn’t tell him earlier because we had to get intoxicate just to deal with them and he already doesn’t like my dad so I didn’t want him to say anything in that situation.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Potential_Motor7610
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sounds so difficult and I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you because of your horrible family who are full of themselves. I would suggest you to talk to your husband about this, let him know how you feel and have a good wedding plan once again but only both because it’s not about everyone else.
It’s the bond between you both. If you want to, you can invite your close friends. Have a photographer take some memorable pictures, buy a cake and cut, have a beautiful ride or picnic or a day out, whatever suits you both the most.
straceyg
I'm so sorry. There is no rule that you can only have one ceremony. Maybe consider having a "do over" ceremony later on for just the 2 of you? Go someplace fun...Vegas, a park, a beach, camping in the woods, etc.
AccordingComplaint46
This!!!!! It’s unfortunate the day didn’t go as planned but you can replace it with a better memory. Hire a photographer for an hour and have a shoot with your hubby. But again sorry it went the way it did :(
LittleTinyTaco
Next year you and your husband should renew your vows and/or have a special day just for the two of you. Skip the family entirely.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: My parents ruined my wedding and I don’t think I can get over it."
GoddessxM
After my last post, I tried to get some sleep but couldn’t and ended up waking my husband. He and I talked and he told me he felt the same way. I cried all morning until he made me lay down to finally sleep.
I maybe got 3 hours of sleep before waking up in incredible pain and feeling nauseous. We checked out of our hotel early and went to the hospital. I had the same sickness he had the day before our wedding. We went back to my parents house so I could get some real sleep before making the drive home. We did not talk to my parents about it.
After talking to our friends we decided that we would redo the pictures next Wednesday and have a mini party to celebrate. My husband told me to feel my feelings but not to worry about it because he would fix it. I trust that he will.
What I hadn’t mentioned in my previous post was this was my first wedding and we we’re having another one next year for everyone to come to. Which is why it hurt so much to have my mom do that to me.
Neither one of us are particularly close with our families but has to not have drama we decided to have a smaller intimate one this year and the bigger, more extravagant one next year. After what happened with this wedding we both made the decision that my mom would never have the opportunity to do this to me again and she will have no say so in the next one.
We did eventually talk to my mom about her actions and it went about as expected. She made herself to be the victim and me out to be the bad guy. She used my aunts passing as an excuse to invite my cousin.
She also told me she asked if he could come but doesn’t see that she gave me no way to say no. She doesn’t understand how she ruined our day. “I’m sorry you feel like I ruined your day” was the apology I received.
Eventually I gave up trying to get her to understand how she ruined and the fact that we weren’t mad at her just extremely hurt. I did tell her that there was no way for her to make this up to me and apparently that was the wrong thing to say. I “grey rocked” her until she got off the phone and cried into my husband’s chest until he made me laugh.
As for going NC or LC with my parents. I was already LC with my dad for things in the past and I’m currently LC with my mom but she doesn’t get that. She’s called me 20x today alone and I haven’t answered once.
I’m working on processing things that happened in childhood but I can’t get over the fact that they’re my parents. I know with everything that has happened, not even just my wedding, that I should be NC with them. For some reason, my heart won’t let me. LC for now.
We appreciate the comments you guys left and he really enjoyed reading that he’s doing a good job. I really did pick a good one and even though our wedding day wasn’t what we wanted I did marry the love of my life.
He continues to prove that to me daily and I’ve never been happier. Unless something of more significance happens, this will be the only update. Thank you again and I hope you all enjoyed your Halloween.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's first update:
traumatransfixes
There’s this book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that’s going to be a trip if you haven’t already read it. I’m glad your husband is supportive, too. Congrats on marrying a man you can feel vulnerable with who has your back! I’m sorry this is happening.
CarefulSignal7854
Idk if you’ve ever considered this and I don’t want to diagnose people but the apology you got from your mum sounds like something a narcissist would say. I’m sorry you feel that way is something that sounds similar to the narcissist prayer.
“That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.”
Defiant-Attention-29
Good to hear you’re doing better. You guys sound like my husband and I, I wish you many happy and wonderful years together. Separate yourself even further from the toxic family.
My husband and I ran off with our marriage license and eloped, of course my dad felt so betrayed and made it about him missing his “big moment”, whatever tf that means. Self centered people don’t have time for others, even their children. You sound very wise love, I wish you nothing but the best in building more positivity in your life!
Three weeks later, the OP returned with a final update.
"New Update: My parents ruined my wedding and I don’t think I can get over it."
GoddessxM
Hi. I saw my story on TikTok the other day. My husband actually sent it to me. He told me I should give y’all an update so here it is. We’re not having a second wedding.
We might have a party but we’re definitely just going to go on a trip somewhere. We decided that we shouldn’t feel obligated to do another one for the sake of others. Nor should we give my mother the chance to do this again.
Contrary to popular belief, I do have a backbone. What was I supposed to do. My dad already picked up my cousin by the time my mom told me she invited him and no matter how loud I yelled none of them were listening to me.
I feel like some of y’all have never had to contemplate going NC with a parent let alone a black mother. The level of guilt and grief when we realize you have to for your sake, I wish that on no one.
Also my husband and family got along well until our wedding. Whoever was invited was because we both wanted them there. He felt like the day wasn’t about us as well. He doesn’t like my dad and I don’t like my dad. The only reason he was there was it’s his house and he’s married to my mom.
We are extremely LC with my parents. we haven’t talked since I got my non apology. That’s the level I’m comfortable keeping it at. I’m standing on my boundaries for the first time in my life.
I would like to say I posted the original on off my chest for a reason. It was bothering me and I needed to vent somewhere. I frankly don’t care what people think. To those of you who left comments about your experiences or tried to help me with understanding my parents by offering me books to read, I thank you.
To those who said my husband will get sick of dealing with my parents and leave me, he’s been with me 3 years before we got married and has done nothing but reassure me.
He’s been with me when I’ve cried over my relationship with my father and he’s still here as I’m coming to terms with my mother. I have a truly great man and I’m nothing but thankful for him.
Edit to add: the reason I didn’t hire a photographer was because my mom is the picture taker of the family. We had an agreement that she would take pictures for me. I wasn’t expecting it to go like that. As for new picture we did hire a photographer and will be taking pictures in early December. The small get together with friends was exactly what we wanted it to be.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final post:
HappinessHero
You’ve made wise choices! Sorry that things have turned out the way they did.
peter095837
I'd rather have no parents than have parents who are terrible and idiots. It must be hard for OP having to go into LC with her family but at the end, she is lucky to have a supportive husband!
ArticleOld598
The wedding and reception sound like it came straight out of one of my Sims gameplays. It's like trying to rangle a bunch of cats.
ThrowRA--scootscooti
It’s probably for the best not to have another wedding, but I’m sad you didn’t get your day to shine! You and your husband sound like you are great, supportive partners for each other! Congratulations and best wishes to you both!
CrazyCatLadyForEva
I think spending money on yourself as a couple and going traveling instead of having another ceremony is a great choice. You are completely right that the motivation for an event like that shouldn’t be the want to please others but just yourself.
You guys are so young, you’ll have tons of big wedding anniversaries to look forward to. If you feel like it, you can always do a vow renewal or just a huge party for one of these anniversary milestones.
My grandparents did a bigger celebration for their 50th anniversary and one of my brothers for his 10th. You’ve got time on your side here. And by then it’ll hopefully also be either to distinguish who should be invited and who shouldn’t. I wish you and your husband an amazing and fulfilling life!