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Woman refuses to go to bridal shower after suddenly being 'demoted' from bridesmaid. UPDATED.

Woman refuses to go to bridal shower after suddenly being 'demoted' from bridesmaid. UPDATED.


If anything is going to kick up deep-seeded friendship tension, it's a wedding.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she's wrong for refusing to attend her friend's bridal shower after getting demoted from the wedding. She wrote:

"WIBTA if I don’t attend my friend’s bridal shower after she outed me as a bridesmaid and disinvited me from her wedding (but still wants to be friends)?"

Bride is getting married in May and asked me to be her bridesmaid over the summer. I was ecstatic and of course said yes.


I dated one of the groomsmen, who also happens to be officiating the wedding, seriously for 5 years. We split amicably back in Feb due to me traveling for work, us struggling with long distance, and simply growing apart.

He and I had never ever fought (like really fought) through the entire relationship and breakup. We see each other quite often because we share the same friends and a dog that we both love and agreed to coparent. When we see each other, we simply catch up like friends and it’s never been an issue. Until November. We got into an argument.

A lot of pent-up feelings came up (him expressing hurt about me leaving, me being frustrated that he never conveyed those feelings to me or asked me to stay) that turned into anger toward one another. A couple of days later we made up and hugged it out. And this all happened in private btw but ofc we talked to our friends about it so they knew.

So bride has understandably been having a lot of anxiety about us at the wedding and worried something between us will come up. She has, however, not talked to me at all about it. I tried talking to her while the fight was going on but was pretty much met with silence. My other girlfriends were very supportive and gave me advice, despite their SOs also being friends with my ex.

It was a tricky situation because we are all friends, but I wasn’t asking anyone to take sides, just really needed a friend in that moment and didn’t get that from her. So instead of talking to me and just asking where X and I stand, she’s nixed me from the bridal party and disinvited me from the wedding altogether.

She ended it with “I love you, you’re one of my closest friends, I just have to think about me and my wedding right now.”

I’m trying to be understanding that she has wedding brain, she has anxiety, and she has every right to be stressed about me and ex together.

But I can’t help feeling so hurt that she doesn’t trust me as a friend to be 100% there for her on her wedding day. Is it really terrible of me not to go to her shower? Like I just really don’t want to spend money on a gift after this lmao. Especially when I feel like I’ve already put a lot into this friendship that I’m not getting back out.

(I just watched their obnoxious 1-year-old German shepherd—who’s given me scars btw—for two weeks while they were abroad for no payment because I am a good friend like that so someone stop me from sending a Venmo request right now).

TLDR; Was originally a bridesmaid. Dated a groomsman for 5 years and we split in Feb. Never fought until November when some pent-up feelings came up but we made up and hugged it out. Bride is worried about drama at her wedding and doesn’t want me at the wedding altogether but still wants to be friends and expects me at her shower.

Redditors kept it real in the comment section.

MochiPryncess had a crucial question:

YWNBTA, this is a wild situation and it seems like the only one not handling it like an adult is the bride. Also, why are you the only one being asked to back out? Two people are required for a relationship to succeed or fail (or exist at all).

And OP answered:

Well, said ex is officiating so…he is kind of necessary 😅

confused_friend5467 wrote:

NTA and I'm struggling to understand why you think you would be? Your ‘friend’ (and I'm using the term loosely) made a decision to cut you out of her wedding and disinvite you all altogether but you still feel obligated to get her a gift?

She clearly sees your relationship very differently than you do and it’s time to protect yourself and not try and cater to her. You owe her nothing. I really would recommend taking space from her.

Msusice01 wrote:

NTA. Message your ex. "Hey, are we good? Have you talked to the couple? She is convinced we are going to cause issues if we're both there so just told me I'm no longer a bridesmaid and disinvited me from the wedding." Then, pick a couple of close friends from the group and ask them if she talked to them about it.

Did she actually think it through or just spur of the moment? This could tear a friend group apart. I wouldn't go to the shower. I would contemplate how good of friends you really are at this point. Friends have trust and want you around.

heretomeetthedog wrote:

NTA she’s prioritizing being the center of attention for one day over a friendship. That’s not a friend. Don’t go, don’t send a gift, and don’t look back.

After receiving lots of support, OP jumped on with a major update.

UPDATE: wow, didn’t expect so many responses but appreciate the majority for confirming I’m NTA 😂. Friendship likely over and going to talk to the ex tomorrow (it’s 2am where I live now) just to see where he stands on it.

OP is absolutely NTA here, her engaged friend is acting super immature.

Sources: Reddit
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