'Share your plate.' Disabled woman humiliated at wealthy family's cheap wedding. UPDATED
"The worst way to cut costs: disabled guest edition."
My little cousin (28F) got married tonight. I was not invited which is perfectly fine since I can't stand this side of the family and I didn't invite her to my wedding two years ago. However, my sister and father were both invited. This story focuses on the treatment of my sister.
Background: my sister (35) has a rare form of muscular dystrophy. She is in a power chair and has been since she was 2. She is very obviously physically impaired, has been since birth, and can't even do simple tasks like stretch out her arms all the way. She lives on her own but has around the clock care in terms of a nurse and night and an aid during the day. Everyone in our family knows this.
Around 2 months ago, my sister got her RSVP in the mail and noticed that she did not receive a plus one. She reached out to our aunt to inquire if there was a way she could bring her boyfriend as her aid.
Our aunt responded that the bride doesn't know the boyfriend so that's out of the question. My sister understood and asked if there was a preference on who she brings (she has aids that have been with her almost since birth so the whole family knows them). Our aunt informed her that she doesn't get a plus one at all and that our dad can take care of her.
My sister told her that unfortunately that wouldn't work as our dad can't do all of her needs (i.e. bathroom). Our aunt got snippy with her and told her that she thought our dad gets paid by the state to help her.
Now he does, but only for a few hours one day a week in-between her aid leaving and nurse coming on shift. Eventually, our aunt relented, but only if my sister and her aid share a plate as they didn't plan for this in their invite list. Already feeling like an inconvenience, my sister readily agreed since she just wanted to see my cousin get married.
Fast forward to the wedding, ceremony goes fine, my sister stayed toward the back so she "wouldn't be in the way." Then she goes to find their places for dinner. Her aid has a place setting and name tag, all of that. My sister? Nothing. They didn't even set a napkin out for her or make room at the table for her wheelchair.
Then my grandmother came up to tell her that she had to share her food, which she already knew, but then got mad when her aid laughed and snapped, "I'm serious. You need to share." Fortunately, the food was good and there was plenty so sharing was fine.
Now, this the family that would make snide comments during my childhood about my parents being divorced and us being poor and classless. They constantly flaunt how much money they have, but penny pinched so badly for this wedding that they were unwilling to let a physically disabled person bring her required accommodation, a person she needs to even be able to eat! Needless to say, she left early and was hurt.
Another way they cut costs? Ordered a cake from someone other than the caterer and apparently didn't plan on when to pick it up because when they tried to get it and drive it to the venue themselves, the baker closed hours before and they had to call and beg them to give them the cake. It was also only two-tiered and not enough for everyone.
Mini UPDATE:
My grandmother texted this to my sister last night.
Transcript: "I left shortly after you after [different cousin] dragged me out in the dance floor for a few minutes. Honestly, that loud music hurts my ears and it's impossible to carry on a conversation. However, the younger crowd loved it and that's all that matters. You looked stunning!
The wedding was way over budget so Aunt [redacted] had to tighten up on a number of items, dessert being one of them - she made all of those desserts [author note: besides the cake].
Flowers was another - in stead of hiring a florist for $10k, she spent about $1k at Trader Joe's and then a friend came to the house and made the arrangements, with help from others. All the signs were designed and made by her. I'm sorry about the meal situation - I'm sure when yhe catering contract was signed, it was assumed [Dad] would be with you."
Some fun points: our dad was apparently at a different table so he wouldn't have been able to help her anyway. I also used to work for the catering company they used during college and know that they always have extra meals ready just in case. Additionally, my sister asked them months in advance, long before the final count was due, that she be allowed to bring an aid.
Morning update:
I asked my sister if anyone else reached out to her (including our dad, who has always made excuses for his family) and it's a big negative.
Transcript: "OP: Any more fun drama today? Sister: Nnnnnope OP: Boring Sister: Totally OP: Want me to start something? Sister: Haha! No."
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Why did your sister even attend? If I were her, I would have declined as soon as it became clear my condition was somehow not significant enough for them to allow me to make reasonable arrangements.
I can't understand why any of her core family attended either. I would not go where someone treated someone I love like this, family or not. The people who went and did nothing to stand up for her sister should honestly be ashamed.
Oh my. It hurts me inside when people put up with really bad behavior from "family" in order to get scraps from the table...in this case, half a plate and no cake. I'm sorry your sister was hurt and I'm glad she left early to preserve her own dignity. She's entitled to dignity your cousin, your aunt, and even your grandmother tried to strip from her.
As for you, I'd verbally go after your grandmother, letting her know how trashy and cheap she, her child, and granddaughter truly are, and how disgusting you find all of them to be. But that's me. I like people to know when I despise them. I'm at that age. :grin: I just wanna hug both of you.
depressedMulan (OP)
Oh don't worry, we will be having a little chat. My sister made me promise not to bring it up tonight and to wait for dear grandmama to call me (which is like maybe once a month, and only because I have her only great grandchild).
I'm irritated on your sister's behalf that she has to delve into the PERSONAL details of her carers. It is most certainly no one's business who can be an aid and why some people can't be an aid! I think people with disabilities are often subject to this kind of grilling on subjects that, truly, are nobody's business. It's so rude and invasive.
Trash with cash is still trash. 🤬 I hope your sister knows their behavior is a reflection on them and not her.