When a bride-to-be wanted to honor her mother in a way that felt right for both of them, their family decided that they know better. After forcing sweet Mom to step down, the bride came to Reddit to see if her request was that ridiculous in the first place.
I was adopted. From what I could deduce, it was mostly Mom's decision. Both (adoptee) parents have been in my life; both have provided for me. It's just that emotionally, Mom is more present.
To his credit, my father has taken care of me in many ways like a good father does, it's just that we have never been close and he has never felt like a father to me, more like a good family friend. He has had his struggles with depression and alcohol, so he wasn't always present in the formative years as he went in and out of rehab.
When he finally came out for good, I was 11, my brother 13 (not adopted). They were able to rebuild their relationship and got on spectacularly well, while I was left outside. You'd envy them if you could see them; they're like brothers, they're like best friends.
I admit this may have left me with some bitterness and may have influenced my decision.
Two years ago I met the love of my life and we agreed to tie the knot just recently. I asked my Mom if she could walk me.
You should've seen the look on her face. Pure joy, she was over the moon. I know Mom has her fair share of low self-esteem and doubt, so clearly this request made her feel very special.
News broke out, the family heard of it. Aunts and grandmas who never gave me the time of the day are suddenly very invested in our wedding and very angry with me. Uncles and grandpas who always ignored me suddenly called to tell me they were very disappointed in me. All the family members mentioned here are of the adoptee family. I have zero contact with my bio family.
The pressure has made Mom tell me sadly she doesn't want to walk me anymore, and I know she's only saying that because they're mad.
An aunt told me regardless of how I feel about my father, nothing takes away the fact that he is my father and the honor of walking me belongs to him. He may not have been perfect, but he stuck around when he could and provided for me, that's far more than my own good for nothing father ever did.
I see her point, and coupled with the fact that Mom has pulled out I almost changed my mind. I told my mom I still want her to walk me, but now I feel like an ungrateful b*tch.
But there's no reason any parent who did the time and put in the hard work shouldn't get to walk their child.
Reddit ruled a passionate NTA (not the a-hole) and offered words of encouragement to OP.
NTA. Father giving bride away is pure sexist tradition from when women couldn’t have their own bank accounts or the right to vote, where father “owned” daughter and “gave” her away like his property to another man. It’s pure misogyny that dictates you or any bride has to be given away at all.
You are not anyone’s property, and in 2023 we should all do better. You can walk down the aisle with anyone of your choosing, because it’s your choice.
I agree it's completely sexist, but my fiance and I want a nice old fashioned wedding. Ah..can't have my cake and eat it too, I guess.
I'm so very sorry for both your mother and you that your family felt it okay to bully her and make her feel so horrible that she rescinded. The fact she was so overjoyed and now won't just so that your dad can, would make me not have anyone do it. If she wants to give it up due to the pressure of others, that is her choice.
It would be a hard spot to be in to still do something you were being berated for doing by the people (and even the man) you love. However, nobody DESERVES to walk you down the aisle. That is a choice you make at your wedding, whether to be walked or not. She ended up declining. I would leave it at that.
Don't assign your dad, no matter what. Because at this point, it is a huge power move and would show your family that they can act this way in order to get you to buckle to their wants. They have no right to want anytbing when it comes to YOUR day. AND I cant help but feel like having nobody walk you, is the only way to still not choose anyone over your mom.
Don't replace her or your motion of extending the walk to her, just walk alone since she cant walk with you. You got this OP. Hopefully shell change her mind before the day, but you cant control what she does or who she puts before herself and you. You just do you, and things will fall into place.
I wish I walked down the aisle by myself. I caved to social expectations and let my sh*tty father walk with me. I can't stand those pictures of my wedding.
NTA. Have your mum walk you down the aisle and uninvite the judgemental AHs who criticise you. No father has the right to walk his daughter down the aisle, it is a tradition in some circles and fast becoming less adhered to. Do your own thing at your wedding and cut the naysayers out of your life. Have a wonderful day!
My suggestion is to say 'If she's not then no one is. Father may have been present and I appreciate what his done for me, but I feel closer to mum who before and after father's recovery has made me feel special.
This is my desision, if you don't like it don't come. But then I guess I'll have a reason to be disopointed in you other than you only showing interest in me when voice your disopointment.'
This here is a good suggestion. Maybe this way my Dad will eventually cave in and go, 'okay, let Mom do it then.'
If only he'd say something, that might quieten the vultures, but he hasn't said anything on the matter. He's remained tight-lipped while everyone else is running circles around me and Mom. He's still cordial with me, but when has he ever been anything but?
His silence on the topic just means he hopes for me to cave in and let him do it. He's a good man and I do love him, but I just wish...
NTA! First of all, are all those people coming out of the woodworks going to be at the wedding? I damn well hope not! It’s your and your spouse's wedding, YOU get to choose who walks you down the isle. Hell, I’d be petty and say fine, if mom isn’t going to walk me, I’ll walk alone.
Half of these people coming out of the woodworks weren't even going to be invited, but here they are yelling. I'm only entertaining their nonsense because my mom cares, she dropped out because they made noise; my dad is listening to them. If my parents both collectively said, 'screw them, do what you want'. I would do so.
Let's hope OP's family gets wise or gets TF out of her business. Also that Mom gets her shining moment with her daughter!