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'AITA for pulling out of a wedding as groomsman because of the controlling bride?' UPDATED

'AITA for pulling out of a wedding as groomsman because of the controlling bride?' UPDATED


"WIBTA for pulling out of the wedding a week before as a groomsman?"

Here's the original post:

I know what it sounds like, but it’s become insufferable.

My brother and I (M22 & M24) were friends with Trinity (F20), the bride, who we met at church. Friend even might be overstating things. Trinity asked us if we could be in her wedding as her husband-to-be’s groomsmen.

She said that he didn’t have many friends, and that she also wanted him to have friends/groomsmen that would be a good influence on him. She said that we couldn’t have +1s unless the couple knew them personally or if we had been dating them for over a year. We agreed, as we didn’t have girlfriends at the time, and we met her fiancé, Charlie (M21), who seemed like a really kind guy.

The whole time we’ve known Trinity, she’s been very... particular. After meeting Charlie the first time, we got some minor red flags. Charlie had described that they first met when he was going through a really tough time mentally and emotionally. He had been suffering from depression and anxiety, and she was there for him and helped him through it. Which is great.

Except now she seems extremely controlling over him.

Fast forward to now, and my brother and I both have girlfriends, we’ve had them for around 6-7 months. We tried to have Charlie and Trinity meet them on a triple date, but Trinity essentially shut down and barely talked to either of them, as well as belittled Charlie the entire time, dismissing his interests when we tried to engage with him in conversation. Mind you, this is only our SECOND time meeting him.

As the wedding is drawing closer, we started a group chat with the other groomsmen, who are all unhappy with Trinity. Trinity has been making more and more demands of what she wants at her wedding, and making us buy expensive (and ugly) outfits for the wedding, going back and saying NONE of us can have a +1, regardless if we’ve been together for over a year or not, refusing any idea we had for a bachelor party (not even risky stuff, literally just go-karting, VR, mini-golf, etc.).

We’re all unhappy, and Charlie’s best man mentioned the severity of how much she is controlling Charlie’s life. He isn’t allowed to follow any girls on social media, he can’t hang out with anyone without okaying it with her first, and is already managing HIS money for her benefit.

We all don’t think this will last, and if it does, he’ll be miserable. We’ve tried to find a time to talk to Charlie about our worries for him, but she’s been making sure that none of the groomsmen can talk to him one-on-one.

The wedding is a week away and given that we barely know anyone in the wedding, we really wanted to bring our girlfriends to at least make it bearable. With the increasing demands from Trinity, the inability to have our girlfriends there, the soul-crushing we see in Charlie with this relationship, and the fact that we don’t know anyone in the wedding, we just want to pull out of the wedding at this point. WIBTA?

Yikes! What do you think he should do?! This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:


del901 said:

“Kidnap” him for a bachelor party and have a frank talk with him. If he wants to go through with it, consider giving him support, but NTA for not wanting to be there.

[deleted] said:

NTA. Look on the bright side. Trinity may go so ballistic that she cancels the wedding - allowing Charlie to escape. Win-win

appleslie said:

Wow I feel so sorry for Charlie and I definitely think NTA but maybe you should consider still going to the wedding so that you can talk to Charlie it might be the last chance you get and the other groomsmen get to talk him out of everything..

And _Kenndrah_ said:

NTA What you're describing is abuse. She's degrading his self esteem by belittling him, isolating him, controlling his behaviour, and taking control of finances plus whatever else is going on that you haven't mentioned or don't know about.

If all the groomsmen are in agreement that this situation is toxic for Charlie then I agree with another post suggesting to hold the bachelor party anyway as a way to all speak with him about it.

Well, about a year after his original post, he shared this update on the situation:

So we went, we saw, we ate, we danced, and we ultimately didn’t intervene. Charlie had talked to us privately asking for support because everyone else around him was advising him not to get married to Trinity. This guy was hellbent on getting married to her, and was facing so much backlash from everyone else that we felt bad, so we tried to be there for him, even if we didn’t agree with the wedding.

He just seemed like he needed a win. However, less than a year later, they (unsurprisingly) have now recently divorced.

That’s about it. For those that offered advice on the original post, believe me, we really wanted to intervene, we tried to arrange multiple interventions but each time our plans would fall apart at the last second. We even considered objecting during the ceremony.

At the end of the day, Charlie needed support from somewhere and we didn’t have the heart to make the situation harder for him. I think he felt trapped, but canceling the wedding was not a viable option for him in his mind, no matter who suggested it. (His whole family told him to reconsider, as well as the majority of his groomsmen).

I guess it’s somewhat of a happy ending, but wishing for a divorce isn’t necessarily what I’d call a happy ending. However, we’re just glad that they’re not together anymore, that relationship was awful.


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