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'AITA for telling my BFF why I wasn't attending his wedding, causing him to call it off?' UPDATED

'AITA for telling my BFF why I wasn't attending his wedding, causing him to call it off?' UPDATED


"AITA the for telling my best friend why I wouldn't be attending his wedding?"

Here's the original post:

I might have messed up. Me (32M) and my best friend Alex (32M) have been friends since diapers, we're basically family. After college we both moved back home so we could live at home and get our feet underneath us.

Alex started dating Stella (35F), a lovely girl, around 4.5 years ago, and from the get go she seemed to politely dislike me, idk why, oh well c'est la vie. Alex and Stella moved across the country in 2021 after Stella earned a promotion at work, In 2022 Alex proposed, she said yes, and they set a wedding date for the end of September 2023.

I got a save the date card at the beginning of the year, and based on the conversations I had with Alex assumed I would be in the wedding party, either as a groomsman or the best man, but never received any official confirmation from either of them.

Couple months before the wedding I saw that wedding invitations had gone out on social media, and figured mine was on route. It never came. I waited a couple weeks, figured it might have just gotten lost in the mail, before I checked in with him.

I called Alex and had a brief conversation with him where he was clearly agitated and said he was dealing with a lot, would be incommunicado for the near future, to direct any wedding related questions to Stella, and he'd called me when things cooled off.

I called, texted, and emailed Stella several times over the course of a week but she didn't respond to any of them. At this point I figured I wouldn't be attending the wedding, and that things were really messed up for some reason between the two of us. Yesterday, a little over three weeks after our last conversation, Alex dm'd asking if I was free to chat.

I jumped at the opportunity to get some answers, and after exchanging pleasantries Alex jumped right into a spiel saying that he knew I was super busy with work and dealing with a lot of personal stuff but he'd love it if it could attend his wedding, even just as a guest, and wanted to know if there was anything he could do to help make that happen.

I just blurted out that I's love to but hadn't received an invitation. Alex stared blankly at me and said "what?", and i just kinda verbal vomited out that I hadn't received an invitation, that was the reason I'd called him a few weeks ago, that I'd contacted Stella about it but she never got back too me and left me on read,

and that I had not idea what he was talking about me dealing with too much to be involved in the wedding. After a very pregnant pause, he said he needed to go sort things out, and that he'd call me when it was done.

My phones blowing tf up since with wedding attendees asking me wtf happened and why the wedding might be off now. My girlfriend has reaffirmed to me that I did nothing wrong, but I've had people from all sides saying I stuck my nose where it didn't belong, and caused a stink, which is really messing with my head. AITA?

What do you think?! This is what top commenters had to say about the situation:

spectrumtwelve said:

it definitely sounds like stella omitted you on purpose and that they had an argument about it. i can't see why this would've devolved into the wedding being off otherwise. you didn't do anything wrong, you tried to get in touch and she tried to basically hide that she wasn't inviting you.

odds are, he ended the call with you, asked her why you didn't get an invite, asked why all your messages were left on read, and she probably said she did it on purpose. If it was just an "i forgot to reply" then i don't see that exchange becoming an argument, but clearly it did if the wedding itself is now in question. again, you did nothing wrong, NTA.

FlysaMinelly said:

you did nothing wrong. and i bet the people who are saying you shouldn’t have stuck your nose where it didn’t belong are getting a huge lie from the bride about what you did.

apapayapie said:

It sounds like she lied to Alex about your availability to be in the wedding party and going to the wedding all together. Since he’s your friend he gave you space to deal with your “problems” that Stella made up. You’re not the asshole, you probably saved your friend from marrying an A-HOLE

Lizardgirl25 said:

NTA tbh wtf did this lady think was going to happen? Also… I would love to know why she seems to hate you this much also everyone telling you, YOU shouldn’t have said anything? Block them…

Verdict: NTA.

Then, the day after his original post, he shared this whopper of an update:

Alex and i texted Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, he said he was handling stuff and asked if id be free too talk Thursday afternoon with him and Stella, which i agreed to. This is just a rough summary, and I probably forgot some stuff, frankly I'm too mentally fried to weave a narrative rn so its just gonna be bulletpoints.

a couple of pieces of info about Alex to provide some context

-Alex was raised fairly sheltered and religious until he was 18, when he went to college and opened, as a result he still has some, idk, blindspots about certain things

-Alex has mild to moderate OCD, its managed with low levels of medication and maintenance therapy, which is one of the reasons he gets overwhelmed easily, especially from unexpected stressors, and weddings are chock full of those.

Now for the actual update:

-The wedding, it's still happening, I will be the best man, and I've been read in on all the s#!t i need to do. The person who was filling in for me, Matthew (34M), one of mine and Alex's good friends whose also neurodivergent is thrilled to not have "spend the day peopleing".and can instead. "party his ass off".

As a result of this clusterf@#$ Alex/Stella/whoever parents are paying for the wedding will be comping me+gf's plane tickets and hotel stay and my best man tux

-What was the main driver of this mess in the first place? Stella's pregnant, yay....... they found out a couple days after the wedding invites got sent out, apparently they were passively trying, then actively trying in 2022, but stopped and swapped back to heavy BC once the save dates went out because Stella did not want to be pregnant on her wedding day.

This led to several changes to the wedding, threw a bunch of other planning into disarray, sent Alex into an OCD hole for a couple weeks which is why he was agitated when I called him and why he needed tome to get his head around it all and get the intrusive thoughts managed, and one of the reasons why Stella ignored/missed my messages/calls.

-Why did Stella not respond to my messages? Besides surprise pregnancy, Stella said that shes on her phone for work a ton, and gets hundreds, if not thousand of emails/text/calls per day, she misses some stuff, especially since she didn't have my contact info saved (lol).

I also emailed her work email instead of personal email which i don't have, and my own personal email handle is not my name. In future I was told to be more insistent in my communication with her to breakthrough her everyday noise, duly noted.

-What happened to my invite? Stella claims that she sent me one but must have sent it to my old address, i did move in March to my current residence and the save the dates were sent out in January

-What did Stella tell Alex about me not being in the wedding? Apparently nothing, according to Stella he either 1) believed one of his intrusive thoughts was real when he was he was in his OCD hole.

2) he got confused when she told him one of her cousins with a similar sounding name to mine wouldnt be attending, or 3) some combination thereof. According to Stella she always wanted me in the wedding.

-Why did Stella not contact me after I didn't RSVP back?. She assumed there was something going with me and Alex and that we'd sort it out and he'd tell her, in the meantime she was busy with work, wedding planning, and unexpected baby

-How did a bunch of wedding guests find out about this mess? Alex called his mom for advice after our convo, mom had church friends over, church ladies overheard a good chunk of their convo, church ladies are gossipy. Alex has spent a decent chunk of time the last couple days putting out fires so to speak

After about an hour Stella left to go deal with some wedding stuff and me and Alex chatted about sh%t for a couple hours. Do I believe Stellas explanations? kinda, the babies real AFAIK, confirmed by medical professional, she does have a cousin i know she's close with who has a similar sounding name too me, and she does work from her phone a lot.

but the rest of it just seems a little too convenient, and I feel like I'm left with more questions than answers. Good news is since I'm in the wedding I should have great access to figure out wtf is going on, I hope.

TLDR: Wedding still on, surprise baby messed everyone up

Good luck to everyone involved!

Sources: Reddit
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