Maid of honor wants to ditch BFF's wedding because cheating ex-fiancé will be there. 'AITA?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA if I back out of being maid of honor at my best friends wedding next weekend? Best man is my ex fiancé who cheated on me and I can't be around him let alone walk arm in arm with him."

Here's the original post:

Jump into the worst week of my life. I was with my ex fiancé for 6 years. Loved him with every fiber of my being, wedding planned for August. Refused a job offer so could move with him for his next Air Force assignment.

Monday a call girl from a website called massage republic texts him in the middle of the night saying she's reaching out to old clients because she's back in the game (his phone was at my house while he was flying) I text back she must have wrong number. She says she doesn't.

In a moment of brains I pretend to be him instead of the jealous girlfriend and call girl gives me all the details. I'm such a fool this had been happening under my nose for years.

I confront him, he claims to be a sex addict and promises to change. I consider it for half a second and say no. Cue uncontrollable crying, self doubt, a battery of STD tests, awkward encounters with him, fight over the ring, his mom (who I loved) calling me non stop and begging me to reconsider and on and on.

And on top of all this my best friend is marrying his best friend may 11th. Groom doesn't want to rock the boat at this late date and selecting a new best man. Bride says she has way too much in her plate and is begging me to just go through with it and she'll "make it up to me."

I've never hated a human being as much as I hate him. I can't be in the same room with him let alone walk arm in arm with him. I understand the whole wedding doesn't need to fall apart because I'm upset.

So I just want to not go and spend the day downing the left over percocets from my wisdom teeth operation, sleeping with as many tinder dudes who can stand to be around me after not showering and burning all his sh!%. Would I be the @$$#0le if I back out of the wedding?

This is what top commenters had to say:

lyre34 said:

NTA, she can not and will not ever make it up to you for putting you through that.

[deleted] said:

NAH. You backing out of the wedding will be an inconvenience for your friends, but that can be solved. Ex BF sucks, but he doesn't have to miss his friend's wedding. You don't have to tolerate his presence.

I personally think you should go to the wedding and have a good time there. Ask to be paired with someone else. Bring a hot date if you can (petty, but will keep you entertained). Your ex is part of your friends lives, this won't be the last time you see him. You will not be an @$$hole if you don't participate though. I hope things get better for you in the future, OP.

babyash77 said:

NAH. But honestly I think you should go. Don't let this @$$hole take you away from having a great time at your best friend's wedding. Smile, laugh, look your hottest even if it kills you inside. Don't drink because alcohol + emotional wreck = trouble. Happiness is the best revenge. So go to your best friend's wedding, party, have a blast and don't even look at, talk to, or worry about this loser.

mossattacks said:

NTA because this literally happened last week. That’s a really fresh wound, I wouldn’t go either.

MageWyntyr said:

NTA Can the groom demote the not so "best man"? Especially since he's the piece of work spore that cheated? I mean, I don't envy any of the bridesmaids having to walk with this soggy, gnat-encrusted lampshade, but why should you lose your position of honor?

After reading the comments on her post, she shared this update on the situation:

Edit 1: ok guys I don't know what the verdict is but whether or not you voted yta or NTA, those who said I should go anyways to support my friend (we were friends before we were born, our moms were college roommates), your arguments were the most convincing.

I'm going to suck it up, participate, have fun, make my lock screen image a dirty text from his mistress so when I get sad I have an instant reminder of who he really is. And then when it's all over I'm going to scream myself hoarse and beat the ever living f@¢k out of my pillows. If I can update a week from now I will. I still have a lot of reading to do so thank you all for commenting.

And then, a week later, she shared this emotional update:

Guys I've had the worst week of my life and been crying almost non stop since 3AM last Monday (or Tuesday, or whatever). I have to clear up people calling my best friend the AH. That just isn't the case, at all. I love her as much as I love any person on the planet and she has my back.

But this wedding is now a week away. It's not a simple thing of kicked me out or asking ex-fiancé not to come. Everyone is furious with him but only she, me and he know the details of call girls. My ex's parents, grandparents and everyone else are going to be at the wedding. He's as close with the groom as I am with her.

If they make big changes now then the day becomes about what HE did, not about the wedding. It's not my place to demand the groom change his best man... a week out no less...plus like I said he knows my ex cheated, he doesn't know my ex was sleeping with prostitutes. If I bring that up then this whole week becomes about THAT.

My best friend and her groom being @$$hole$ isn't even an option on the table. They didn't do anything wrong and just reacting with the best information they have. My friend has offered me the chance to allow me and ex-fiancé to walk in with other people or even separately, but I'm not going to do that.

First of all because I think it will look weird. And secondly I foresee getting a sick since of satisfaction of touching him ONE LAST TIME--FOREVER and have him know that that spark he feels...could have been forever come August but he messed it up.

Then, after attending the wedding, she posted this final update:

Some of you may also know that my story got featured on major, major news websites and blogs. It was crazy. I left way too much identifiable info in my post so pretty much all my social circle knew it was me and it was also the way most everyone figured out ex had been cheating.

We had a "meeting" among the four of us as to whether or not we proceed. We pretty much agreed that not showing up would cause more drama and "whispers" than if we didn't show up so we agreed to be civil and stay in our respective places. But having to spend that hour or so in same room with him just fueled me up with adrenaline and pure rage.

That led into bachelorette party that night where I got freaking hammered and honest to god made out with so many guys while dancing I can't even count. I also ended up having my first one night stand ever with a 20 year old super cute guy from our university's wrestling team who was so sweet.

I'm not proud of doing that but I'm also not ashamed either because it made me feel desirable and almost like I was going into the wedding day and rehearsal with some "parity" since, he I can be "naughty" too.

Ex and I were of course paired up at rehearsal and I hate to admit this, we had an absolute blast with each other. It wasn't a mistake that we had such a great and fun relationship, we are very compatible. It probably also worked because we were able to put "the issue" on the side and focus on something else.

Wedding was very much the same way. We walked arm in arm down the aisle with big beaming (and genuine) smiles since we were there for our friends. I had prepared a really nasty MOH toast that would have praised my friend and her loving relationship, loyalty and truthfulness (I even included a line about you never know who is going to call in the middle of the night)

But as the reception wore on I could tell the weight of the situation was really getting to my ex and I felt like I really didn't need to twist the knife any further so I gave a nice but very generic toast.

As night went on ex was more and more out of it and sitting by himself either on his phone or with his head in his hand. I didn't want people talking about him so I asked him to dance with me which was actually really, really nice since we both didn't say anything.

At the end of it he but his hands around my face like he was going to kiss me (I would have totally let him, in that moment) and just whispered how sorry he was and walked away. I got distracted and turned around he had apparently left the reception. I hate myself for it but I was so sad to see him go. This wedding is literally the last thing we ever have to do with each other.

There's no expectation of GOT Sundays or Bloody Mary brunches with his mom, we wont argue over how bad IPA beer smells or who forgot to put gas in the car. Like the reality of him just being able to leave without me arguing that I'm not ready to go yet (classic introvert/extrovert pairing here) sunk in that this is over. Like over...over.

I went and cried uncontrollably in the kitchen of the hotel until the bride found me and cried with for a good half an hour. With that I knew I made the right choice in being there for my friend.

So that is that, wedding is over and done with. No real drama, lots and lots of hurt feelings and a huge broken heart that I'm not sure how it will ever heal. I wish I could just turn off loving him but it's not going to happen.

What a ride. Good luck with the healing process, OP!