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'I'll cut my parents off financially to stop my brother from proposing at my wedding.' UPDATED

'I'll cut my parents off financially to stop my brother from proposing at my wedding.' UPDATED


"AITA for threatening to cut my parents off financially to stop my brother from proposing at my wedding?"

I 27m 'll start this off by saying my wedding is scheduled for April because my fiancé 25F has always dreamed of a spring wedding. And I really like the idea too. I have an older brother though 30M. And last Saturday I was called over to my parents' house to talk about something.

But they refused to tell me what until I got there. They then sat me down with my brother and told me that my brother wants to use my wedding as the perfect day for him to propose to his girlfriend. I was instantly mad and told them ABSOLUTELY NOT!! But they ganged up on me.

I ended up so enraged to the point that I, one man, somehow backed all three of them into a corner. I told them that if they want to do this, then not only will they all be uninvited, but I'll also cut off the financial support I've been giving monthly since they paid to have my golden child brother go through college by taking out a second mortgage.

I landed a decently high paying job and have been sending five hundred dollars to my parents monthly to help ease their mortgage. And I didn't ask for a stake in the ownership of their house either. It was entirely good will. And I can cut it off any time.

I left without speaking anything more to them. But my brother came to my home the next day to yell at me that I ruined his big chance because now our parents are siding with me and say they'll evict him if he tries to propose at my wedding. He said I was financially blackmailing our parents, and that he just wanted a good chance to propose because he was afraid his girlfriend might leave him soon.

I said that was his problem, not mine. Because my wedding day is not about him. And if he tries to propose at my wedding, I WILL have him thrown out. That's not a maybe, but a definite. And I doubt his girlfriend would appreciate her proposal followed up with being tossed out by a bouncer.

He yelled a few choice words at me, then went crying to our only surviving grandparent. Our maternal grandmother. And she called to try and ream me over the phone. No surprise my brother heavily embellished the version of the story he told her. But she still sided with him after I gave her the real story. She tried to hold her ground, but the verbal backlash I ended up giving her left her crying.

That got back to my parents, who are now pissed at me for taking things this far. But I told them I only went that far because I had to when they were all trying to get me to let my brother use my wedding as his springboard for a proposal. They ended up agreeing with me, but still stated they feel like I'm crass.

And my brother showed up at my home again to scream at me that I'm an a-hole, and I hope I'm happy with myself for not allowing him the opportunity. I thought I was entirely in the right at first. But maybe I really did take it too far with my brother. So I thought I'd come here to ask for an impartial ruling. AITA for everything I did and said to my brother and everyone else?

Edit: My fiancé knows what my brother tried to do. And she's very angry about it. She's almost ready to have him uninvited if he pursues this any further.

Also, I won't justify making my grandmother cry. Normally I have a very mild temper. But when it comes to certain people like my brother, parents and grandmother, I can easily get short with them because of all the past favoritism. My grandmother especially.

She always sided with my brother and believed his lies no matter what he did. She's the biggest reason my parents favored my brother too. She kept trying to convince me over the phone to let my brother propose at my wedding that I ended up losing it on her.

And for those wondering why I've been sending my parents money. Well about a year ago they were on the verge of losing their house because of extra debt they took on paying for my brother's college ten years ago. They were too prideful to ask me for help. But I didn't want them to end up losing their home. I personally don't want the house in the future.

But I want my parents to be able to keep their home. We have a plan for me to continue payments till I'm 30, and I have sent them to a financial advisor to help them get things settled.

But my lazy brother isn't helping. He only pays $300 a month for rent and doesn't contribute to utilities. Years ago he also dropped out of the college my parents paid for and they couldn't get the lost tuition money back. So they are finally starting to get angry with him themselves.

Edit 2: Yes my brother dropped out of college. But a few years later he got an online college degree. And barely passed to get it. I have no issue with online college. However after what my parents spent on him, it feels like a stick to the eye that he did that.

But the online college degree got him a better job. He's never really changed though. As soon as he got that degree, he wanted nothing by praise for months. My brother has no bad habits like gambling, high spending or drug addiction. He's just a jerk, and always has been.

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. But here’s the thing, he’s going to blow up, and I bet this is less about him wanting to propose than it is him being jealous. So whilst you are in the right, I really think there is a chance he might try something on your big day. Is there a way to ‘placate’ him.

So he’s not allowed to propose or bring it up, and you’ll pay for a very nice meal or something he could use to propose. I essentially suggesting buying him off, but make it conditional on his good behaviour... just a thought. You are totally in the right, but diversion tactics might be needed.

Lurker_the_Pip said:

NTA you need to tell your brother that if he pulls any BS at your wedding you will have him removed and tell all family if they act up when he gets removed, they are getting removed too. Dedicate a couple of people to do the removing, like security.

And Limerase said:

NTA. People should not use other people's events to announce their own. It takes away from the person (or people) who is supposed to be the center of attention. I don't really think it's financial blackmail.

I think it's declining to support someone who will not support you in return. Rescinding an unappreciated favor. I think you should uninvite him and tell him if he complains, you'll explain to his girlfriend exactly why.

A month after his original post, he shared this update:

I ended up speaking with my brother again and threatened to tell his girlfriend if he was still intending to propose at my wedding without permission. He took it poorly and called me an awful person. So I pointed out that my wedding isn't about him. Our parents were there for this, and they backed me up. I think my brother did a double take when they did that.

My dad pointed out that he'd raised my brother wrong, and that was on him. So from now on my brother was to show them real respect. And they wanted to get an official lease drawn up for him to pay proper rent and utilities. He was only paying them $300 a month without contributing to any utilities or food.

And if he doesn't want to pay, he can move out and they'll rent his room to someone else. My brother turned to our mom for help. But she just agreed with dad. He looked like he was having a conniption and then left the house. He came back a couple hours later, but spoke to no one and locked himself in his room.

Two days later my brother announced he was moving in with grandma because she invited him. And our parents basically told him that if he wants to live with her, then to go ahead. My brother responded to this by saying we all hate him for just wanting to propose to his girlfriend. My parents pointed out that it's not that he wanted to propose, but where he wanted to do it. And he'd get no support for it.

He's refusing to talk to our parents now. My grandmother did try to call me again. But it ended up with me telling her that my brother will not be allowed to propose at my wedding, plain and simple. So he can get over it, or not come. And the same goes for her. I ended up calling her out on her favouritism towards my brother since we were kids.

Which she tried to deny at first, but couldn't keep doing so because of how much I'd pointed out. She ended up crying again while I told her that if she keeps trying to insist on this, then she won't be coming to my wedding. She begged me not to rescind her invite. But still said she doesn't understand why I couldn't let my brother have his way before ending the call.

My fiancé is 100% on my side. And is fully ready to remove my brother and grandmother from the wedding. My grandmother hasn't called again. And she's not talking to my parents either. My guess is my brother went crying to her again to tell her mommy and daddy weren't enabling him anymore. So she offered for him to move in with her.

But there's literally nothing she can do to sway me. And I think my last conversation with her made her realize that. I didn't wish to tell my brother's GF. But she called me up on a Saturday about my Reddit post. She saw it read in a online video, and then realized it might be me with the way I described my brother and grandmother. So yeah, now she knows.

She ended up tearing my brother a new @$$hole. And he still tried to justify himself to her. That's when she told him they were through and cut all contact with him. My brother of course blamed me. Even though his girlfriend said that she's been ready to leave him for a while now, and if he'd tried to propose, no matter where, she'd have told him "No". So that's it.

My brother showed up at my place one more time to have a fit, and said he is boycotting my wedding. He actually thought he had leverage that he and grandma won't go. I said I wouldn't miss him, and that he's in his 30s now and needs to grow up. Our parents have cut the umbilical and are no longer supporting him. And they're already repainting his room to rent it to someone else.

And they plan on renting out my old bedroom as well because they need the money after the financial hole he left them in after dropping out of college, just to do mooch off them for a while and then get a degree with online college later, and then barely paying any rent while also making them pay for his food and utilities despite having a good paying job.

They spent the world on him and he wasn't the least bit grateful.

That made my brother just shut down and leave. And since then we've not heard a peep out of him. That's everything that's happened from my original post up till now.

Edit, Yes I have very good security hired for the wedding. And they'll toss my brother out like bouncers in a heartbeat.

He later shared this second update:

Well my brother and grandma are officially uninvited from my upcoming wedding. My grandma called me again to berate me even more for refusing to let my brother propose. Apparently he's beside himself with grief over his ex. Yeah... So beside himself with grief that he's already on Tinder looking for a date. Or so his Social Media says. Which I pointed out to grandma.

She claimed that was just his way of coping. I said I didn't care. He's no longer invited to my wedding because I can't trust that he won't do something crazy if he's there. Then she gave me her classic line of "I don't understand why!". That's what she always says when I won't do something for my brother after he'd screwed me over.

For example. I once gave my brother a loan back when he was still doing online college. He didn't wanna repay it despite promising he would. Even after getting a good job he hemmed and hawed about it when I wanted him to pay me back. He had the money, he just didn't wanna give it up. So I said I was never going to loan him money again. And grandma gave her line of not understanding why.

Even when I told her it was because I knew my brother would never want to repay me, so he's not gonna get another penny. Her response was to say she still doesn't understand. So just hearing her say that about the issue of my brother being banned from my wedding made me lose it. I yelled at her that she does understand. She just acts like she doesn't because she doesn't want to.

She's always been on my brother's side no matter what he did. And because of that she's no longer invited to my wedding either. And I don't care if she cries. Because I'm just plain done with her. She made her bed with the side she chose. Now she can live with it.

Of course she exploded in tears crying like a sad whale and called me a bad grandson. I said she was a bad grandma for thinking I'm the bad grandson when she always believed my brother's lies and played favourites. Everyone else knew it too. And I'm sick of her pretending everything was rosy when she used to beat my ass and then tell me I'd be a bad boy if I told my parents she'd spanked me.

I then told her not to call me again unless it was to admit the truth and give me a genuine apology. And then I ended the call. It went right back to radio silent from her. I also pre-emptively told my parents about what happened. And their response was that they don't care I yelled at her anymore, because she's never going to stop siding with my brother no matter what.

My parents are actually doing so much better since my brother moved out. They've got two rooms ready to rent out and on the market waiting for a tenant. My dad is also working on clearing out the attic to make another room up there for someone to rent.

They're basically turning as many rooms in their house as they can into liveable space. They're gonna need that rent money to help pay off their debts. And they're still thanking me a lot for helping them with the money I've been sending monthly.

My parents sat me down a while ago and apologized heavily for everything that went on from my childhood till now. They said they can offer no good excuse as to why my brother was the favourite when they shouldn't have been playing favourites at all. And that what they did was completely unacceptable.

And the fact that I was still willing to help them out, even after everything they'd done, made them realize how horrible they were as parents. And from now on they'll do their best to be better people. They've basically stopped caring about what my brother and grandma think too. They haven't been talking to them either.

I've heard nothing from my brother's ex. She wants nothing more to do with my family. And I don't blame her. My fiancé is super happy about me standing my ground because she wanted my brother and grandmother out much sooner. Then she admitted something to me I never knew.

Apparently the few times she was alone with my grandma, she was told all sorts of lies about me that my fiancé never once believed. She couldn't recall much. But basically grandma said a number of things that I remember my brother did that were pinned on me.

But the gist of it is that my grandma was trying to tell my fiancé that I was a bad egg as a child. And that she better watch me closely in case she decided not to marry me. So yeah. Grandma was trying to poison the well with more lies.

One story my fiancé remembered my grandma talking about was one I knew right away. It was the story about the broken lamp. My grandma used to have a beautiful hand crafted stained glass lamp. My brother threw a football in the house straight at it and the lamp fell and broke. It was old and frail, so it basically shattered. My brother said that I was throwing a football in the house, and that he tried to stop me.

But it was actually the other way around. Grandma refused to believe me and punished me. My grandpa knew my brother was lying. And even told my parents so. My brother was grounded and I was told I didn't have to visit grandma anymore if I didn't want to. And after my grandpa passed away, I stopped going.

The fact that she was still talking about that stuff to people like my fiancé when I'm not around infuriates me. So I'm beyond glad that I've cut the tumors that are my brother and grandmother out of my life. I don't need them anymore.

Sources: Reddit
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