'AITA for being upset at my best friend for refusing to come to my wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for being upset at my best friend for refusing to come to my wedding?"

Organic_Scallion_303

I (32f) have just started planning my wedding with my fiance (30m), which will take place in the Fall of 2025. We live in a foreign country, and although we have multiple friends here, we intend on having the wedding in our home country, which is a 2.5 h plane ride away.

This is mainly due to the fact that both my fiance and I have multiple elderly relatives that cannot travel (grandparents, great-uncles/aunts) and who would most definitely miss the wedding. We both want these people to attend, and they want this too, so we decided that it would be best to get married in our native country.

Most of our friends live abroad as well, but are stocked at the idea of what for them.would be a "destination wedding" and already confirmed attending, although we are in the very very early stages of planning. So far so good.

Yesterday, I had a talk with my bestie, who I've known since the first semester in uni like 13 years ago. We went through many things together and were there for each other, especially when either one of us had romantic trouble. It was always our dream to attend each other's weddings!

However, when I told her that my fiance and I will start planning the wedding and that it will be a year and a half from now, she told me all of a sudden, she most probably wont make it because of finances. She said that she and her husband had a talk and that it wont work out, because they have to buy their plane tickets and accomodation, and it can get expensive.

I was shocked because while I know they have a loan for a house and an 8 month old baby, her husband actually earns a decent salary, while she is on parental leave. So, while I do not claim to know everything with regard to their finances, I do know that they are not exactly "scraping the barrel" and have a fair amount of disposable income.

I didn't tell her anything yet, but I felt really hurt that they just decided something so final, without even asking for more details, so they could at least have some actual numbers to work with.

Plane ticket prices vary wildly, so of course I would have seen to them getting the best rates (which are like $ 150 per person round trip, opposed to maybe $ 400 normally), the hotel is going to be also at a discount as well.

Heck, I told her I don't even want a wedding present. I even insisted and said I could chip in for the plane tickets, since it meant a lot to have her there. But she simply refused. Apart from that, it is 1.5 years away from now, not tomorrow!

My husband has friends flying in from Asia and the US all the way to Europe to attend, who aren't exactly rich, yet my best friend simply drops my wedding, like it's nothing, by TEXT, without batting an eyelash. I am profoundly upset. AITAH for feeling like she just made up an excuse and doesnt want to come to my wedding?

As I stated above, I don't claim to know what their exact financial situation is. I only know what she tells me, and she speaks quite a lot about money. Maybe she is lying or maybe she is not.

Fact of the matter is that she is a lawyer and her husband is a well paid software developer. Their finances are obviously their business and I respect that, but I do feel a bit concerned regarding how much she values our friendship when, as alleged best friends:

a) you immediately decide you won't come, without you even being able to at least ballpark the costs of the potential expenses yet or asking any follow up questions to show that you are indeed trying to make a calculation.

b) you just showed me you bought two pairs of Jimmy Choos that cost six times as much as it costs to attend my wedding.

This reason is totally legitimate for everybody else, and I really could care less what other people give for a reason for not coming. But it feels quite odd when you are left to feel that your friend values sharing a very special moment with you less than a pair of fancy new shoes.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

mustang19671967

She could also be pregnant and not told any one yet.

ResurrectionScary

When you plan a destination wedding, you plan it with the knowledge that you are picking a place over people. Some people will not be able to attend.

You don't get to nitpick and criticize someone else's finances, and what they choose to spend their money on, and a destination wedding is NOT a reasonable ask. It's fine if people can do it, but you don't get to guilt someone for not wanting to travel, when they have young children, and waste their time and money on your party.

BlueStarrSilver

YTA. Even if they "have" the money, it's a big ask for them to spend it on your wedding, which could be held somewhere they'd not choose to go otherwise. They might want to plan their own vacation or any other number of things with their money.

Your reasons for having the wedding where you are make sense, but you'll need to accept that the people not living in that country likely won't be able to join, and dont hold it against them.

ProfessionalMain9324

I hate destination weddings. I hate when people say it will be a vacation, I don’t want other people picking my vacation destinations. My brother had one and I had to go. My son is having a wedding in Vietnam because he is moving there. I don’t expect anyone to come. If you have a destination wedding you are doing it for your own reasons and anyone that doesn’t attend is doing it for their own reasons.

JustMe869

YTA. Expecting people to pay large sums of money to attend your wedding is an entitled mindset. Their finances and what they choose to spend THEIR money on is none of your business.

Updates from OP after reading the comments:

I see so many replies along the lines of "wHy dOn'T yOu PaY?. As I stated above, during our call, I said I would cover the expenses for her, her husband and her child. Initially I said chip in, then after she said she'd love to come, but it will probably still be expensive (WITHOUT EVEN HAVING AN ESTIMATE).

I literally told her "please, I dont want this to stand in the way, I will cover the expenses and I dont even want a gift". She said how nice, but no, and then sent a text claiming the same.

Later OP came back with this update:

Thank you so much to all who took the time to read and actually comprehend (!) my post and write a meaningful reply, regardless of considering me AH or NAH. The many people asking follow up questions really helped me see the friendship for what it is currently, not for what it used to be and accept it, after having recovered from my initial hurtful shock.

While this does make me sad, it is a fact of life. However, the reason this happened does make me worried for her wellbeing. Giving the update and clarifications some of you asked for:

a. I didn't invite her 1.5 years in advance to my wedding. Why are people fixated on this? I was just telling her that we will start planning it and wanted to talk about it, like friends do, since I know she loves this stuff. I didnt even get 3 sentences out, because as soon as I said we will be having the wedding in Eastern Europe, she asked if there is cell phone reception.

Well, i informed her that not only do we have it, but we have the fastest internet in the world! To which she went on to tell me how they wont be able to make it, because of money. I offered to pay, she refused. BTW, 1.5 years in advance isnt necessarily early to plan a wedding there. Most great venues are already booked well into 2025.

b. There are no assigned roles in eastern european weddings like in the US. The only ones are reserved for the church ceremony, and they have to be the same religion as us. I wanted her to have an honorary role, but I didnt even get to talk to her about this, because she was so quick to state she wont come.

c. She gets along fine with my fiance and always liked him.

d. She got married in 2020, and because of national regulations at the time, only 6 people were allowed to attend: her parents, his parents, his brother and the brother's wife. She appologized for not being able to have me there instead of the brother's wife, but said it was his family. I never asked to attend anyway and was all for it.

I especiallyy didnt want her to risk offending her husbands family (in the end, they actually had a falling out for other reasons). There was no party, and she felt really sad about it at the time. I did however arrange a socially distanced surprise with a few of her other now former friends:

We waited for them outside the city hall in the snow, dressed to the nines and had champagne, presents, balloons and confetti, so that she at least could feel celebrated. Everybody was happy, especially her mom.

e. I met her husband only 3 times, but it wasn't because I didnt want to. She met him in 2020 and had a whirlwind romance. She changed quite a bit since being with him, but initially I put it down to people just going through things as best as they can and didnt think at the time it necessarily had anything to do with him.

I never did mind or criticise their decision, so I just continued face timing with her frequntly, sending cards or gifts for special occasions, while receiving seldom anything back. I didnt mind at the time, and I dont gift things expecting to receive something back, but as some people pointed out, I might have missed out on some early signs regarding the development of the friendship.

Then beginning of 2022 she continue to isolate herself, claiming that she doesnt want to risk getting ill while trying for a baby. Fair enough. She got really paranoid while pregnant, and would always call me when worried she might catch a cold and it could harm the baby, because her husband usually criticised how she catches frequent colds.

I listened, I tried to be supportive. All her world was reduced to only her husband and her child, like her whole interests and personality started to slowly dissolve. I though it was a bit extreme for my taste, but then again, family is family.

In the mean time, she stopped talking to everybody else in her social circle and only talks to her parents. She is alone, I know this, she told me this, she was sad about it. I am right now the last person standing.

I tried to reach out multiple times to visit or invite her places, even offered to baby sit for a few hours if she wanted some alone time away from her baby, but only got to visit her at her home two times since 2020: once shortly after the baby was born in february this year and another one was recently. Both times, her husband was at home.

I had the feeling he was hoverring, because he never left us alone in the hours I was there, but I didnt pick it up as being in a "I am here in case you need help" kind of way, rather gave me "I am here to oversee this conversation" vibes. She was odd, but heck, I though it's normal when you have a baby! I wouldnt know...

Also, not sure it's relevant, but for these two visits, she initially incited both my fiance with me. She was looking forward to seeing both of us again, but then a day before our visit, she called to say she talked to her husband and they think that we would be too many people and it would be too much for the baby. I felt it was odd, but my fiance didnt mind.

We continued facetiming and talking, but I never actually stopped to think something was wrong these past few years, because she never gave a clear signal.

I will call her in a few days to just check in on her and let her know I'm here for her, but I will be taking a step back to observe what happens. I will be sending her an invitation, when the time comes, even though it is clear she doesnt want to come and it is not about the money. I now just wonder what the real reason is and why she doesnt feel safe to tell me. We always talked about anything. So that's that.