Hello people of reddit! I (32f) have just started planning my wedding with my fiance (30m), which will take place in the Fall of 2025. We live in a foreign country, and although we have multiple friends here, we intend on having the wedding in our home country, which is a 2.5 h plane ride away.
This is mainly due to the fact that both my fiance and I have multiple elderly relatives that cannot travel (grandparents, great-uncles/aunts) and who would most definitely miss the wedding. We both want these people to attend, and they want this too, so we decided that it would be best to get married in our native country.
Most of our friends live abroad as well, but are stocked at the idea of what for them.would be a "destination wedding" and already confirmed attending, although we are in the very very early stages of planning. So far so good.
Yesterday, I had a talk with my bestie, who I've known since the first semester in uni like 13 years ago. We went through many things together and were there for each other, especially when either one of us had romantic trouble. It was always our dream to attend each other's weddings!
However, when I told her that my fiance and I will start planning the wedding and that it will be a year and a half from now, she told me all of a sudden, she most probably wont make it because of finances. She said that she and her husband had a talk and that it wont work out, because they have to buy their plane tickets and accomodation, and it can get expensive.
I was shocked because while I know they have a loan for a house and an 8 month old baby, her husband actually earns a decent salary, while she is on parental leave. So, while I do not claim to know everything with regard to their finances, I do know that they are not exactly "scraping the barrel" and have a fair amount of disposable income.
I didn't tell her anything yet, but I felt really hurt that they just decided something so final, without even asking for more details, so they could at least have some actual numbers to work with.
Plane ticket prices vary wildly, so of course I would have seen to them getting the best rates (which are like $ 150 per person round trip, opposed to maybe $ 400 normally), the hotel is going to be also at a discount as well.
Heck, I told her I don't even want a wedding present. I even insisted and said I could chip in for the plane tickets, since it meant a lot to have her there. But she simply refused. Apart from that, it is 1.5 years away from now, not tomorrow!
My husband has friends flying in from Asia and the US all the way to Europe to attend, who aren't exactly rich, yet my best friend simply drops my wedding, like it's nothing, by TEXT, without batting an eyelash. I am profoundly upset. AITAH for feeling like she just made up an excuse and doesnt want to come to my wedding?
As I stated above, I don't claim to know what their exact financial situation is. I only know what she tells me, and she speaks quite a lot about money. Maybe she is lying or maybe she is not.
Fact of the matter is that she is a lawyer and her husband is a well paid software developer. Their finances are obviously their business and I respect that, but I do feel a bit concearned regarding how much she values our friendship when, as alleged best friends:
a) you immediately decide you won't come, without you even being able to at least ballpark the costs of the potential expenses yet or asking any follow up questions to show that you are indeed trying to make a calculation.
b) you just showed me you bought two pairs of Jimmy Choos that cost six times as much as it costs to attend my wedding.
This reason is totally legitimate for everybody else, and I really could care less what other people give for a reason for not coming. But it feels quite odd when you are left to feel that your friend values sharing a very special moment with you less than a pair of fancy new shoes.
She could also be pregnant and not told any one yet.
When you plan a destination wedding, you plan it with the knowledge that you are picking a place over people. Some people will not be able to attend.
You don't get to nitpick and criticize someone else's finances, and what they choose to spend their money on, and a destination wedding is NOT a reasonable ask. It's fine if people can do it, but you don't get to guilt someone for not wanting to travel, when they have young children, and waste their time and money on your party.
YTA. Even if they "have" the money, it's a big ask for them to spend it on your wedding, which could be held somewhere they'd not choose to go otherwise. They might want to plan their own vacation or any other number of things with their money.
Your reasons for having the wedding where you are make sense, but you'll need to accept that the people not living in that country likely won't be able to join, and dont hold it against them.
I hate destination weddings. I hate when people say it will be a vacation, I don’t want other people picking my vacation destinations. My brother had one and I had to go. My son is having a wedding in Vietnam because he is moving there. I don’t expect anyone to come. If you have a destination wedding you are doing it for your own reasons and anyone that doesn’t attend is doing it for their own reasons.
YTA. Expecting people to pay large sums of money to attend your wedding is an entitled mindset. Their finances and what they choose to spend THEIR money on is none of your business.