A few months ago, my older brother asked me to be his best man and my husband to be a groomsman. He and I have always been close and he was my best man at our (much smaller) ceremony. At the time I committed to this obligation, no real planning had taken place so everyone was on standby waiting for further details and an official date.
I'm not sure when they began properly planning things, but I didn't hear much more about it until November during our Thanksgiving family gathering. My brother's fiancée told us the venue, the date, and the fact that the wedding was going to be child-free. Now, I have no issue with the concept of child-free weddings -- I had one myself.
The problem is that my husband and I are expecting a baby. If all goes well with our surrogate's pregnancy (fingers crossed), our son will be 3 months old by the wedding date given. The venue they've chosen is one 2.5 hours from where we live. We would likely be spending three days away from home.
You can call me an overprotective first time parent, but the thought of both my husband and I being away from our child for that long when he's so little scares me, and he's not even here yet. My in-laws could watch him and I trust them completely, but I know I wouldn't be able to properly enjoy the festivities if my infant is over two hours away from me.
I pulled my brother aside later in the night and apologized profusely while explaining my worries. He said he understood and offered up a venue change (one much closer to home) or maybe making an exception for me by inviting my in-laws to the wedding, that way I could see the baby during the ceremony and feel a little less stressed. I told him either would work for me and thanked him.
He spoke to his fiancée, but she won't budge on either issue. He's vented to me multiple times over the course of the month that has now passed about how he's really frustrated because what matters most to him is making sure he's surrounded by the people he loves and that they are comfortable.
Meanwhile his fiancée continually repeats that she's not giving up her 'dream venue and ceremony.' I told him my husband and I could just attend as guests instead if it would make things easier, but he immediately shut me down and said he wanted us by his side.
She texted me yesterday (politely, I'll admit) asking if I could please just drop things with my brother. I might have considered it previously, but hearing how she turned down all of my brother's requests for compromise made me put my foot down and refuse. I hate causing my brother trouble like this, especially so close to the holidays, but I feel like she's showing her true colors.
ETA - If I was a guest, I would not have brought this up at all. Both my husband and I being in the wedding party is what complicates things. As I said, I’m all for child-free weddings.
I think the fiancee is TA because she’s disregarding anything her groom wants. Which is a big red flag, IMO.
Moving the venue is ridiculous, but they offered other solutions. Bottom line is it sounds like the op and the brother are the only ones looking for a solution. While the bride just turns everything down.
YTA. There's a lot of ways to solve this that don't involve you abandoning your small child for three days. Bring a babysitter with you. Find a local babysitter. Go back-n-gettem the next day? It's not that far. Don't become someone's problem at their wedding.
silver777777 OP responded:
I appreciate the suggestions. Unfortunately, I’m not comfortable with outside of family child-care until my son is old enough to talk. My husband and I also have duties as part of the wedding party the would prevent us from making a 5 hours round trip drive to pick up the baby, or be able to properly focus on both wedding related things and him.
Huge red flag. They came up with multiple ways to accommodate the situation and she turned them all down.
Your husband will need to step back from duties. It’s not like you would manage to complete duties with a 3 month old anyway, or at least it couldn’t be relied upon. Is there a hotel really near the venue? You could put your in laws up there so you could see baby really frequently.