Bride bans friend's BF from wedding since he used to date her sister and cheated. 'AITA?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my friend her boyfriend is not allowed at my wedding?"
Here's the original post:
I shall try and keep this short, though I have a tendency to ramble and add more than necessary info so I apologize ahead of time. Also, I'm on mobile. Anyway, I'm supposed to be getting married early October 2022. It's not gonna be a big wedding or anything, but me and my fiance both have friends that we dont want to leave out.
I have this friend (Amanda). We have known each other since highschool, and we arent incredibly close by any means but we are still somewhat good friends and hang out regularly and I would like her to be there. The problem is, I just recently found out who she is now dating and she wants to bring him as her plus one.
My sister (Lily) and her ex (Steve) broke up about 10 months ago, because she found out he was cheating. She was heartbroken, and I know along with that pain she still has a lot of resentment for him and doesnt even like hearing his name. He was a shit boyfriend so my family has no problem with him no longer being in our lives.
8 months ago, Amanda told me she had started talking to someone and she really liked him and everything. She wouldnt tell me who, not even his name, because she said she didnt wanna share anything about him till it got more serious. I didnt really understand the secrecy, but didnt force her to tell me anything and just let her know I was happy for her and hope it all worked out.
Well last week, she told me she was dating Steve. They had gotten more serious and she wanted to make their relationship public to the people they care about. She also said she knew how much I disliked him and what he had done to my sister, and hoped I would try to understand their love and be happy for her and try to see him in a different light.
I was a little shocked at first, since I really didnt expect her to be with a guy like him, and she knew what kind of person and boyfriend he was. But it isnt my place, and I told her that I'm happy shes happy, and that was that.
Well two days later, we are texting about the wedding and everything and she mentions steve being her plus one. I do not want him there. Not only because I know my sister, who's my moh, doesnt want him there, but also because I dont like him and neither does my fiance.
I immediately told her that Steve was not invited to the wedding. She was confused, and I explained to her that I was sorry, and I'm happy for her, but I didnt want him there. At first she thought it was just because my sister would be, and kept saying that they wouldnt even be near each other and it would be fine.
But then i explained that with everything that happened, we didnt want him there. I said sorry again, but she kept saying how I dont want her to be happy, how I just want to live in the past, how I want to punish her for finding love, stuff like that. None of that is true, and I tried to tell her that but she stopped responding.
So now I'm left feeling like a complete a$$#ole and i dont know if i should just let Steve come or not.
Here's what top commenters had to say:
[deleted] said:
Amanda sounds like she wants you to choose between her and your sister. Your sister is who matters most in this case.
kisforkate said:
NTA, even without the history, she's only been "serious" about him for a week? Plus ones are reserved for long term partners, especially with such a small wedding. Tell her she was never gonna get a plus one, and that her choice of boyfriend only solidifies that.
RLBite said:
NTA. It's your wedding, ultimately you can decide who gets to be there, let alone having a pretty fair reason why you don't want him there. No brainer, your friend should have some understanding and lay off this or don't come tbh.
Also, I wouldn't want some trash appearing in some of my wedding photos. I don't pay the wedding tax on a photographer just to get photos I never want to look back upon, so there's that too.
Since the original post, the bride-to-be has posted this update on the situation:
I was finally able to sit down with Amanda and talk today. Anyways, on to what happened. I didnt really want Amanda coming to my house, so we met at this small cafe place near where we live. I figured it wouldnt be too crowded and we would be able to have a discussion easily there so it was the best option.
She was there first, and as soon as I sat down, she looked extremely smug. It seems that she thought I had wanted to talk to apologize or something, and thought i would be telling her Steve was invited to the wedding. Imagine her surprise when I almost immediately tell her that Steve is in no way allowed to attended, and I have officially decided to rescind her invite as well.
She was instantly angry, asking why I would do that when I was obviously in the wrong, why I would uninvite her simply because she wanted her partner there, etc. Bullshit like that lol. I let her rant for a minute before I calmly told her what I wanted to say. I told her that my family, and literally everyone important to me that would be at the wedding, did not like Steve.
No one but her wanted him there, and multiple people would be uncomfortable if he was. I also told her, it was my wedding and me and my fiance are the only two people who gets to decided who comes and who doesnt.
I was clear that she was allowed to want her boyfriend there, but I wasn't obligated to cater to her wants, especially when that's someone I dont like at all. I even told her that if she had just decided not to come at first since he couldnt, I would have understood. But she tried to guilt me into inviting someone who wasnt wanted, so that's why she was no longer wanted.
I told her how her actions made me feel and how I now perceived her, and made it clear I wanted to end our friendship and stop our contact. She was furious through every word. Before I ended the conversation, I told her that I had a question and I wanted the complete truth (honestly wasnt sure if I would get it though lol), and I asked her point blank, was she with Steve before he and Lily split?
She got nervous, wouldn't even make eye contact, and stayed silent for a few seconds. I figured that told me what I wanted to know, but I honestly wanted to hear her say it. Then she did.
She told me that they have been together for a year, total. They started sleeping together when Steve and Lily got into an argument, and Amanda started falling for him so thought being his mistress was better than not having him at all. At first, he would only go to her when Lily and him fought, but then he started going to her whenever Lily was busy (or his other girls were).
She didnt feel sorry about it at all, and kept trying to justify her actions. She even tried to justify her ability to look my sister in the eyes, to comfort her, all that even though she was sleeping with Steve for so long. She really thinks she did the right thing just because she loves him.
At one point she said that they really were in love, and she was the only one in his life now. I felt bad for her then, I admit. But that's not my problem. I got up, I walked out, and I drove straight to my sisters, where I am now. Told her what I had learned, and we are having a very fun girls night with icecream, alcohol, and movies.
Amanda and Steve are no longer my concern and I have decided to enjoy the stress free time while I've got it, cause I know I'm gonna be stressed the closer the wedding day gets lol. Thank you to everyone who commented, you were all right about the cheating and everything and I am extremely thankful for yall opening my eyes.
Commenters responded to this update:
danuhorus said:
I hope OOP is the kind of person who loves spilling the tea, bc I absolutely want her to come back with all the details when Amanda inevitably gets cheated on as well.
decemberrainfall said:
'It's ok because he loves me and he's only sleeping with me now'. Yep that's how that works
drbarnowl said:
I feel like Amanda needed Steve to come so badly so she could show all the guests and herself that what they did wasn’t that bad.