'AITA for leaving my surprise wedding because I felt blindsided?' UPDATED
"AITA for leaving my surprise wedding because I felt blindsided?"
Unexpectedlymarried
Last week, I (30F) was invited to a supposedly fancy party by my longtime boyfriend, Mark (32M). We had been dating for five years, and while we had discussed marriage before, there were no immediate plans for a wedding.
Excited about the event, I dressed up in my best attire and arrived at the designated venue. As I entered the grand hall, I was completely taken aback to see all of our family, friends, and acquaintances gathered, eagerly waiting. It turns out, Mark had orchestrated an elaborate surprise wedding for us without my knowledge.
Everyone erupted into applause as I stood there, shocked and overwhelmed. I just felt a mix of emotions. While I love Mark and had dreamed of our future together, the idea of getting married without any prior discussion or consent felt like a breach of trust.
So, I pulled Mark aside and tried to express my concerns and reservations about the surprise wedding. I explained that I wanted a say in the planning process, to be part of the decision-making, and to have the chance to prepare mentally and emotionally for such a significant milestone in our lives.
However, Mark dismissed my concerns, saying that he thought it would be a romantic gesture and that I would be thrilled. In that moment, I faced a difficult choice: go along with the surprise wedding, putting on a smile despite feeling unsettled, or stand up for my autonomy and voice my true feelings.
I ultimately made the decision not to proceed with the surprise wedding, much to the disappointment and confusion of our guests.
Now, I find myself at odds with Mark, our families, and even some of our friends who believe I overreacted and spoiled a beautiful moment. However, I firmly believe that a marriage should be a joint decision, with open communication and shared expectations.
Everyone's excuse for this is I have always talked about marrying Mark. And again the problem isn't marrying him, the problem is not having any say in my wedding. Mark thought I'd appreciate it, because I always spoke about how stressful planning a wedding must be. Yes, I think its stressful, it is but I'd still like planning one!
After this whole ordeal everyone asked if Mark and I were ending things, to which I replied no. I emphasized towards them and Mark I still wanted to marry him, and most feel like this is making me more of an a**hole since I just wasted a perfectly fine wedding.
So AITA for refusing to attend my own surprise wedding, even though it was intended as a romantic gesture?
Edit: I previously omitted this from my post because of the subreddit's word count guidelines. I love surprises it's a thing everyone has known me to love.
Mark knowing that, the fact I wanted to marry him, and said wedding planning was stressful thought a surprise wedding would be perfect. A surprise engagement is bland, because it will always be a surprise but not a wedding lol.
He threw this 'wedding' for the surprise, but explained how in a couple days we could do a courthouse wedding to make it legal, this was his only way to surprise me. I love spontaneity, but legal marriage or not, I wanted a say in my wedding.
To choose the perfect date, to choose my bridesmaids, to pick out my cake. Again due to these thoughts everyone thinks I'm the asshole, because I could have went along with the party, and do a redo legal wedding. But again I felt blindsided and confused so I left.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Get the hell out of that relationship. NTA 100%.
'he dismissed my concerns'
Huge red flag. And NTA at all about leaving.
You didn't overreact, you didn't make a bad call, you didn't do anything wrong. Your response was your body/mind telling you that this was not okay. Anyone who thinks you ruined this is not someone who has your best interests in mind. I don't care if it's your own mother, they do not have your best interest in mind.
If Mark needed a big, romantic surprise he should have planned a proposal. And given you time to answer in private. Trying to force a wedding down your throat, after hearing your concerns, was a huge violation of your trust and so overbearing. So controlling.
Take the reins. Get out of this relationship. You deserve someone who views you as an equal. Who cares what your opinion is. Who won't try to gaslight you into marriage because he thinks it's romantic. Seriously, girl, GTFO. NTA.
A marriage is a partnership, not an ambush. Also, how was he able to get a marriage license without your presence? NTA.
NTA, If he marries you without having to ask you, what else would he do with the same excuse.
SURPRISE: I got the new car we talked about! Oh, you wanted to choose the model / have the full experience?
SURPRISE: I got us a house! We talked so much about a new house for us and the kids! We are still having kids, right?
I exaggerate, but you get where I'm going. Make sure you keep control over your own life!
NTA. I'd also be asking all my family and friends if they knew about this. Who told this man this was a good idea?!?
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update:
I want to start off by thanking everyone for the responses I got and the advice. However, I would like to reiterate that Mark is a great person who did a stupid thing. If you knew me though, a surprise wedding seems like something I would love, unfortunately I didn't.
After talking to Mark we both got to the conclusion that we didn't do anything wrong. Both of us are valid in our opinions and the situation was an odd one.
Unfortunately, Mark spent a lot of money on planning this wedding, as well as family members. He doesn't think that we have the funds to plan another wedding until a couple years.
I will be honest that choice is really messing with me. I'd like to be married sometime soon, and start out life as a family. I know weddings don't have to be extravagant. We could always throw a small party, and once we have enough money do a second one, but I don't know if that's what I want.
I honestly feel selfish and regret not using the surprise wedding-- I feel like I wasted a bunch of money.
I used to stand by my choice confidently, but now I'm not sure I made the right choice and all this stress is wearing me down. Anyway I'm staying with Mark, probably will get married soon, and have my dream wedding in the near future hopefully.
Again, thanks to all the responses, and I hope people from AITA also see this post.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
Personally, the fact that he blew all the wedding money on a surprise without any consultation or care at all to what you actually wanted, then blew you off when you tried to express your very genuine concern, is still raising red flags for me.
Not gonna say it has to be a dealbreaker, I don't know him, but the general lack of concern or care towards your wants and needs and a willingness to spend large amounts of savings on something for you that you absolutely did not want at all, then trying to pressure you into it because he backed you into a corner, is to me still very much cause for concern.
But I recognize that I have only seen a tiny piece of this puzzle and I wish you the best.
He also spent joint money on this???? He could have made a surprise proposal and have a party. But having a surprise wedding for which he spent so much money you are not not being able to have a wedding is beyond dumb.
Do whatever you want, but next he is going to surprise you with a house or some other idiotic surprise. Surprise, I got a loan! Surprise, I sold our house. Surprise, I quit my job.
Did… did anyone else read a post recently where OP was the best friend whom got approached by the groom about a surprise wedding? Or am I imagining things?
A surprise wedding like Andy and April in Park&Rec is great. A surprise wedding to one of the prospective spouses is no bueno. Even if you love surprises, that's a step too far. Taking away someone's autonomy and forcing them to make an awkward scene in front of family and friends is just too much.
Is it weird that her parents or family were on board with this idea? Nobody mentioned anything to her before the day?
He blew their money on a surprise wedding as well. Now they are broke for the next few years. That's not a good sign for the relationship.
It's a bold move to throw a surprise wedding for your girlfriend with all your friends and family in attendance at a huge cost and pressure her to go ahead with it when she feels uncomfortable. But then again, Mark’s a bold guy. Is 'bold' the right word?