Bride refuses to let stepdad walk her down the aisle; mom cries, says it's her 'dream.'
AITA for telling my mom her dream for my wedding stopped being possible the day my dad died?
My dad died when I was 7 years old. He was my favorite person, my mom's favorite person (at the time) and I kind of think he was the person who could compliment our personalities enough for us to be super close. Even as a little kid I kind of knew that. It broke the two of us when he died. But then she found someone else, she found Luke.
She married Luke when I was 9 and he became her person. Luke, upon realizing my dad had been the parent I was closest to, tried to fill that space, and was unwilling to listen when I said that space was reserved for my dad. It caused some tension.
Over time I let some things go. They would call themselves my parents or my mom and dad. I always called him Luke. I always told people close to me about my dad and would make sure it was known Luke was not 'dad'.
Our relationship now that I am several years out of their house is amicable but not close. I don't hate them but my mom and I still don't mesh well and Luke still wants to fill that role my dad had and I still don't want him to.
Ever since I got engaged my mom has been more present. She has told me how she always dreamed of this day, etc. Over time she brought up how she and Luke couldn't wait to see him walk me down the aisle and give me my father-daughter dance and how they were excited to be mom and dad of the bride.
I told her none of that was happening. She told me it was always her dream though. That from the time she found out she was expecting a girl she couldn't wait to watch me on my dad's arm and in his arms for a dance. I told her that was possible when dad was alive, but not when he was gone.
She told me it was still possible. There was still my dad (Luke) and that he deserved it, they both did. I told her I was walking with my fiance and no father-daughter dance would happen. I told her he was not going to be listed as father of the bride anywhere, because he is not my father. I ended up telling her to leave and I went back to less contact.
Then my mom showed up unannounced and started to tell me all about this dream again and what it meant to her and I told her clearly, without hesitation, that her dream stopped being possible when my dad died because he was not here to do that stuff and that Luke was *never* going to be filling my dad's role for me. I told her she might be able to switch them out easily but I was not.
She left in tears, telling me I had punished her for moving on and punished 'my dad' for not being Cal (my dad). That she and 'my dad' deserved better than that and I was spiteful.
Edits:
Luke never adopted me. They wanted him to but it never went ahead.
We never really talked about the trauma from my dad's death. I think with my mom, it might be some kind of unhealthy coping mechanism. The way she chose to ignore what happened. Instead of finding a way to live with the truth she tried to erase it. Talking about it was heavily frowned upon and described as 'living in the past'.
Comments and responses:
Midnight7000 says:
YTA. If the man has been around since you were at least 9 and has made an effort to be your dad in all those years, it looks as though you're going out of your way to show your contempt for him.
You don't have to acknowledge him as your dad, but you can take some steps to show you respect and value his involvement in your life. If you don't feel that way after 10+ years, you are ungrateful. Probably not what you want to hear, but the only exception to the way you're behaving is if he was bad figure in your life or you suspect foul play (an affair).
Unlucky-Aside-3033 OP responded:
He was pushy, and insensitive, refused to listen and disrespectful of my dad's memory and that might be my mom's fault. But I don't love or care about Luke.
Midnight7000 asks:
How did he disrespect your dad's memory?
Unlucky-Aside-3033 OP responded:
He cut up card's I had made/given my dad for Father's Day, that my dad had kept safe before he died, and cut up the back and left the front and then turned them into a collage and acted like they were cards I had given him.
When my mom and him brought out my birth certificate for something, he told me he couldn't wait to see his name on it instead of 'the old husband'.
He told me my dad had done nothing special and that he could do what my dad had done for me and my mom, but better.
F**k him then. My apologies for my previous comments.
Unlucky-Aside-3033 OP responded:
It's okay. And thanks.
Nervous_Internal_581 says:
NTA, I don’t get step parents that try to do this. You can’t erase a parent’s existence or impact just cause they died. It’s sick, especially the collage of cards? WTF. Nothing wrong with being a step parent but crazy to try and act like the bio parent.
Unlucky-Aside-3033 OP replied:
I think the sick part is, instead of trying to be a guy who could earn some kind of nice card for something, he just stole what he knew he would never get, because he wanted it.
SoupSatireSleep says:
NTA. The lack of self reflection these type of people have is boggling. I doubt they’d be happy to be so easily replaced if they died!
Unlucky-Aside-3033 OP replied:
I know. Sometimes I feel like my mom is just broken. And because of that she's just... lost all ability to be logical. But it's up to her to work through all that, if she can.
Suspicious-Horse9793 says:
NTA, I am so sorry OP, you said what I thought, they tried to erase your Dad but it didn't work because your memories of your Dad are with you always.
This is just a suggestion, my youngest sister walked by herself in her wedding, she had two circular pictures in the ribbons of her wedding bouquet, one of our deceased Dad, one of her deceased FIL, BIL teared up when he saw the pictures when standing next to her.
Unlucky-Aside-3033 OP responded:
That is such a beautiful idea! My fiance lost his brother. Maybe we could walk together holding a photo of my dad and his brother.