Bride doesn't invite poly MOH's partners because of bigoted in-laws; gets hung up on.
'WIBTA for not inviting my poly friend's partners to my wedding?'
I (25F) am getting married in September. My fiancé, Mike and I are doing a big wedding for 250 guests. I've always dreamed of having a storybook wedding. I asked my best friend Marissa (25F) to be my MOH and she happily agreed. She's been a huge help to me in every step of planning the wedding.
Marissa is in a poly relationship and she has 3 partners. Greg (24M), Brandon (27M) and Ace (22NB). She's been with Greg for 5 years and was the first partner she had. They added Brandon and Ace over the course of their relationship with Ace being the newest member. They all date each other and seem to be happy. I don't really 'get' it if I'm being honest but it's not my business.
However the issue came into play when Mike (32M) pulled me aside and said while he loves Marissa he didn't feel like spending the wedding explaining her love life to his family. Which I understand, they are very conservative and hardly accept LGBT people as is let alone a LGBT polyset.
I had already reserved 4 spots of Marissa & co but my husband suggested he invite a few coworkers to take the partners spot and Marissa could come alone. I didn't want to ruin his big day so I agreed reluctantly.
I know I should have told Marissa from the get go but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So when invite went out she called me up immediately and asked why she didn't have a plus 3 invite. I explained to her exactly what I said above and she just said 'oh' and hung up.
Next thing I know Brandon is calling me and begging me to reconsider saying they promise they won't act like they are in a relationship but they want to be there for me. Except I can hear Greg in the background telling him tell me to fuck off and that I'm am asshole and he doesn't even want to go
I explain to Brandon that I already gave their 'spots' to Mike's coworkers. Brandon says okay thank you and hangs up. Marissa texts me the next day saying she isn't coming unless they can go.
Mike said he can't uninvite his co-workers now so it's not his problem. I told him I would add them and pay the costs and he just said if I want to spend the whole time explaining their relationship to people than so be it but he isn't wasting his time doing it and will just send people my way.
Our other friends think I'm an asshole but Mike's friend and a few of my non mutual friends don't think i am. Just want some more unbiased opinions.
Note from OP:
Mike's (my fiancé) parents are paying for 90% of the cost of the wedding. They are from a culture that is very different than the US. Family is everything to them.
Mike's parents are more liberal than most, they are just conservative for America's standard.
Here's what people had to say:
YWBTA. Intentionally or not, you put the opinion of bigots over the reality of your friends. They likely feel betrayed, especially at the short notice. Could Mike's family be given a stern warning instead? Such as 'There will be no comments on people at our wedding. If you cannot keep it to yourself, you will leave'?
klover_clover writes:
YWBTA yes, and your husband seems incredibly little involved in you happiness... Like this is your best friend you are now having an argument with and he seems uninterested and cold. I would not want to marry someone so distant to my emotional life.
MoistQuiches writes:
YTA already. They way you've handled this is awful and your husband sounds like an AH too. You are putting the opinions of your bigoted in laws (and I'm guessing husband too) over your actual friends. If you go through with this you will most likely prematurely damage your relationship with you MoH.
ratsassdm writes:
YTA. She’s already been a huge help to you planning the wedding and yet you do this behind her back? When your husband brought it up with you that’s when you should’ve discussed it with her. On top of that, you don’t just disinvite her new partners, you go as far as to now allow her to bring anyone?
Final exchange between a commenter and OP:
OurMasterAM writes:
I'm glad they're accepting of gay people, even if the laws of their birth country is incredibly homophobic. I can understand why that culture has made them hesitant towards relationships they don't understand - but it is something they'll have to open themselves to learning about such things.
Even with their history, if they said something that was derogatory towards poly or queer people, that is still bigotry. I won't act like it's easy, and I have not been in the tough situation your husband and you are in.
But either way, you have jerked around Marissa and her partners. And as I said, intentional or not, you have shown them you'd rather cater to people's bigoted beliefs by keeping them out of site.
Extensioncordhuh OP responded:
Thank you for talking to me much more kindly than most. Mike is currently sleeping I'm going to ask him in the morning if we can arrange a lunch with parents and just explain the situation to them so they can brace themselves ahead of time and I'll see if Marissa will still accept coming. I worry Greg will tell her not to but maybe I can talk to him myself.
I've always been non-confrontational and it's once again caused me to shoot myself in the foot.