Bride doesn't want brother's new GF 'from a different background' at wedding. AITA?
'AITA for vetoing my brother’s girlfriend from my wedding?'
My brother Matthew [31M] and I [27F] are very close and grew up being best friends. Later this summer I am getting married to my fiancé Alex [30M] and Matthew is the best man.
Matthew and Alex are close friends and my brother organized the bachelor party trip. During this trip, he met this girl named Marla [late 20s F] and went on one date with her and they flirted, but didn’t kiss (he even told me he found her cute, but a little annoying because she wanted to text everyday). I did not think much of it because her city is on the other side of the country.
Fast forward a few weeks and Marla travelled to our city to visit family and ended up reconnecting with my brother. He fell for her hard and fast and they decided by the end of her trip to try to date. Nothing against it, I thought it was very rushed, but I was in a LDR myself with Alex for a while because of circumstances of life before we got engaged.
Matthew asked me for Marla to be his date for the wedding reception and for the rehearsal dinner, which I, again, found a little premature but agreed nonetheless.
More recently, I accidentally eavesdropped a conversation between Matthew and Alex and that included some very private discussions of Marla’s sexual prowess. I pretended I didn’t hear it but I was extremely triggered because Alex seemed a little too interested and I was a little disgusted that my brother would discuss his intimacy like that.
A few days after that, Alex and I finally met Marla in person. She was nice and pretty enough, although I was surprised because she’s not my brother’s usual type (she’s also from a different ethnic and religious background). No matter how much she tried socializing with, I confess I was still upset and wasn’t very nice to her.
Matthew noticed and confronted me over text, so I called him and told him the truth about why I was upset and didn’t want his girlfriend at the wedding. I did say some explicit things and called Marla names (which I do regret) and told my brother that he wasn’t in love, he was just in lust because she does some unusual bed stuff.
Alex ended up hearing the call and tried reasoning with me. He did say he was sorry for engaging in this type of conversation. I’ve forgiven him but he thinks we should let Matthew bring Marla to the wedding.
My parents are also on Matthew’s side and are pressuring me (they helped pay for the wedding), saying that my brother really likes this girl, etc. She’s not aware of the whole conundrum just yet, as far as I know.
Honestly, for me is almost a matter of honor. I don’t see why I should have to see this person I don’t know even at my rehearsal dinner and reception just because my brother is throwing a tantrum. It is my wedding, not his. He’s threatening not coming to the wedding if I don’t let it go.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
mjr511 asked:
INFO - at your wedding are you generally allowing people +1s, are there likely to be other family members or close friends attending that you're also providing a seat to their significant other?
Ordinary-Sockacc OP responded:
I know most of the people who are coming, including their SOs. I didn’t say no to my brother although I thought it was too soon to bring gf to family events because, so far, he has helped with the wedding.
Paradoxdoche writes:
YTA Honestly OP, you just sound unhinged at this point. You seem determined not to like Marla for any reason. From what I can tell from your story, the only offense Marla has committed is dating your brother. As his gf, why shouldn’t she be his +1? You say it a matter of “honor”, but whose honor?
She has done nothing disrespectful. If anyone was disrespectful, it was your brother who was talking about their intimate life with someone else and yet you want to take it out on Marla. You said you called her names and said explicit stuff about her? Why?
By your own admission she was “nice”, yet you talk trash about her behind her back…You say you were not very nice to her because you were upset . Why were you taking any of this out on her?
Ordinary-Sockacc OP responded:
This girl did nothing to me directly. I’m 200% triggered to a point that her mere presence is setting me off. My family is on my brother’s side, that’s why I standing my ground because our parents are extremely controlling and for once I’d like to have control over something. I know I sound unhinged because at the moment I am completely unhinged.
Savings-Bison-512 wrote:
YTA...you told him he could invite her and now changed your mind because you feel a certain way. What she does with your brother in the bedroom is none of your business. His relationship with her is none of your business.
Yes...you are the bride and it's your wedding but are you really going to base your opinion of this girl on locker room talk that you were never meant to hear? So what if the relationship is based on lust. He isn't 5 and you aren't his mother. Enjoy your day and pick a different hill to die on.
Ordinary-Sockacc OP responded:
I’m disgusted and confused at the whole thing. I told myself is none of my business, but the fact that my family is pressuring me now makes me reactive af. Thank you for the advice though, maybe it’s not worth the stress.
Savings-Bison-512 wrote:
Obviously we don't know what the conversation was about, but I imagine a lot of people do things behind closed doors that would shock a lot of people. Are you afraid that your fiancée is into what was being discussed and that's what has you freaked out here?
If so then a very long and honest discussion is in order before you get married. You may be assuming things that aren't true. Guys can be gross and talk a good game but still prefer vanilla.
Ordinary-Sockacc OP responded:
Yes, it was pretty hardcore stuff and it got me very triggered because of past trauma. I see a therapist regularly but I might discuss premarital counselling with fiancé (this is our first “crisis”)
the_scorpion_queen writes:
YTA. I’m sorry, this is for whose “honor” exactly? Do you not want her at the wedding because you think your fiancé is mind cheating? Or because you are jealous? Or because you are s**t shaming? It’s one of those and all of those reasons suck.