When a bride to be posted her concerns about her upcoming reception, she received a rude awakening. After all, what else are internet strangers for? Here is her story.
AITA (Am I the A-hole) for telling my aunt to put my feelings over someone who's been dead for years, after she said she won't attend my wedding reception?
(I'm 25 if anyone's wondering)
My aunt M's ex husband passed over 20 years ago. M married again to her current husband, so she's moved on and has a new life for herself, as well as her daughter/my cousin D.
I'm getting married next year, and we've sent out the invitations. Our wedding date falls on the death anniversary of M's ex husband. M replied saying she'll make part of the ceremony, but won't be staying for the reception or anything after. Now my mom has a lot of siblings and all of them will be there, and I don't want my aunt to be the only one out.
I asked her why, she said she 'doesn't think she'll be able to enjoy herself but wishes me well'.
I was kind of mad, but also hurt. Yes, it's tragic what happened but she's built a great life for herself, yet she's going to hold onto the past like this and not show up to my wedding. D's also said she won't be staying for the reception, which came as a bit of a shock to me.
My mom tried talking to them both, but no use, and she said M might be trying to guilt D into not coming when she at least has no reason to not come. I told M that she could try and enjoy herself for my sake, and put my feelings over someone who's been dead for years.
M got upset, and she called me selfish and said she 'hopes I never have to go through what she did'. I did try and call her back, and sent her a message saying sorry because I realize I might've overreacted, but she didn't reply. So, AITA (Am I the a-hole)? My parents agreed with me, but a couple of other relatives who heard of the situation said otherwise.
Reddit didn't think so. They ruled a big, fat YTA (you're the a-hole).
YTA. It's a grief anniversary. Those days are fucking hard no matter how much time passes. I can tell you've never lost someone and you should be grateful for that. She's putting her own feelings over yours - not those of a dead person. You're selfish. She's attending part of the ceremony. Another thing you should be grateful for. Although after you were nasty, I wouldn't come at all if I were her.
the-rioter wants to know:
Is he actually her 'ex' husband or are you one of those people who calls a late spouse an ex? And is this man D's father? Either way I think YTA but I want to know to what degree.
I was thinking the exact same thing. It sounds like M's husband passed away while they were married. That's not an ex. Grief never goes away. It just changes. YTA, OP. A big one.
YTA. I can understand why you feel the way you do, but it really isn’t fair to essentially tell someone to “get over” the death of a loved one because you think it’s been long enough that they should be over it. Your aunt made a compromise by telling you she will be there for part of the wedding so it seems like she is trying to make an effort. You have to accept how she feels and what she can offer, hopefully lots of other family can still come.
To which OP responded:
I do get I might've been hurtful with what I said. I just think she's making a bit of a drama you know? I'm not saying it wasn't tragic and painful for her, it surely was. But the reality is she was only 20 when she married him, and they were married for just 3 years.
I don't think a lot of people would spend 20+ years thinking of a relationship from their late teens/early 20s, to the point they won't attend their niece's reception. It's her choice at the end of the day though (and I was also surprised my cousin said no to the reception as well).
Then PotatoLover-3000 goes all in:
So the man you are about to marry, if he dies in three years, you won’t think if him after that? If your answer is No, you may want to reconsider your marriage or at least let your future husband know he’s expendable to you. I really hope you never find yourself in your aunt’s predicament.
Your aunt is allowed to grieve how she wants. She’s allowed to decline an invitation. Your cousin is allowed to grieve her father. She’s also allowed to decline an invitation. I imagine your aunt already thinks about their lost spouse on the day they died. Going to your wedding will likely make your aunt think of her wedding to her deceased spouse and the things they missed with them or the times they had. I can’t imagine the feelings they might have on this day.
And instead of staying at your wedding reception grieving, they graciously agreed to come and leave early so as not to interfere with the festivities. That’s not drama. That’s setting boundaries. And instead of being thankful for what they are willing to do, you berated them instead. You and only you created the drama.
The man, who died, was also your uncle whether you care or not. He’s also not your aunt’s ex. He is her deceased spouse. He is your cousin’s deceased father. Also YTA.
The aunt is no a-hole, but we definitely know who is.