Bride wants to kick controlling dad out of wedding party he helped pay for. 'AITA?' UPDATED

"AITA for kicking my dad out of my wedding party?"

Here's the original post:

I (21f) and getting married to my fiancé (30f) this October. At the time of our engagement I was living with my dad to save money on rent, however after I told my dad of our engagement he promptly got jealous and tried to lock me in my room so “we could talk”. I managed to get out of the house after threatening to call the cops and quickly moved in with my fiancé.

Since then my dad has “come around to support us” and I don’t buy it. For context, growing up my dad has only cared about himself and his image, which cause him and and my mom to divorce when I was five.

Since then all my dad has done is try to keep me under his control and house, ie; tell me the rest of my family doesn’t want me, no one else would like me, I was too fat to have friends but he’d still be my friend, and he’s the only one I should care about, etc. Now, after my dad has come around for the wedding, he has paid for half of my dress (roughly $800) and for postage for the save the dates and invites.

Here’s how I may be the @$$hole, after thinking about this fifty ways to hell and back, I can’t see myself as happy with my dad walking me down the aisle, father/daughter dance etc.

My mom and to be MIL have both agreed that if I don’t feel comfortable with my dad in the wedding party then I can ask him to not be in the party, he can attend the wedding still, but just as a guest.

However my fiancé says that since he has paid for part of my dress and that he should be in the wedding party. Knowing my dad, if I tell him he’s not a part of the party, he’ll throw a fit and I don’t know if I can handle that right now atop the wedding planning. AITA if I tell my dad he won’t be part of the wedding party?

nailobsessed said:

Yes. YATAH. If you decide to not let him walk you or dance then you need to give him his money back. If you don’t you are just using him for his money and are ungrateful for what he has done so far for the wedding.

She responded with this edit to her original post:

Edit: I would be paying him back.

jlesiak said:

Your dad sounds like a bit of a narcissist. Have him be in the wedding party. But set some clear boundaries before hand. He's not paying for the whole wedding, he has no control over it. You set the expectations. And if you need to, send him home if he misbehaved. Go bridezilla on him.

And ALsInTrouble said:

NTA whether you pay him back or not has nothing to do with this. Your father has problems that are more than just a controlling father. Don't be surprised if he pulls something at the wedding.

Months later, after the wedding, she shared this dramatic update:

I did end up telling my dad he was no longer part of the wedding party after we caught him trying to change wedding plans. His reasoning for trying to change stuff: "I helped pay for the wedding so I can make decisions too" He could still attend as a guest, but he would not be walking me down the aisle or anything like that.

One of my dear friends, who is very much more of a father figure to me, did end up walking me down the aisle with my mom. I did pay him back for everything that he paid money towards, not quite 1k. He did, as predicted, throw a woe is me tantrum on social media saying I was rude and not his daughter for not letting him walk me down the aisle and quote; "taking away his dream". WTF.

Important side note, we had a movie reference on the tables involving peanuts, and another note my dad has had many "medical emergencies" in his life (I.e. he's had stage four lymphoma cancer that he "was cured of", swine flu, pneumonia, Ebola, Covid, and he's "severely allergic" to many foods yet doesn't own an epi pen for any allergies despite having insurance that would cover most if not all of the expense).

Anyways he did attend as a guest (which I now regret letting him) as he did try to crash our first look and tried to get into the bridal suite to "talk to me" about the walking down the aisle. When asked what about, he wanted to try to talk me out of marrying my now wife, because she wasn't a good person.

Again, wtf? And that he had evidence that she had been cheating on me, but when asked to see said evidence, he said he didn't have it on him(obviously as my wife hadn't been cheating on me). My dad proceeded to storm away after my MOH didn't let him inside and he took a seat at one of the tables, with the afore mentioned peanuts. He. Lost. His. Sh!t.

There wasn't even very many on the tables, maybe a small handful at most (5-7), screamed and swore at the sight of the peanuts on the table and went off on how he didn't feel good, couldn't breathe, etc. I had a view through a window from the suite of what went down and it looked like a scene straight out of a cheap ass soap opera.

He knocked over the chairs, crashed back into another table and when offered medical attention, one of my uncles runs a small family practice, he spit out a no and he would drive himself to the er and promptly left. I did get a text later saying how could I have peanuts on the table when I knew he had a peanut allergy etc but I left him on read and continued enjoying the party.

We haven't talked since, and my wife and I are now expecting our first kid in the next few weeks, my dad has not reached out since the wedding and it's been the most stress free time in my life.

Congrats to the couple on new beginnings, and new boundaries!