I (26M) am the best man for my brother Brian’s (31M) wedding and was invited on his bachelor trip to New Orleans. It was all being planned by his friends and I was part of the group planning the itinerary. We had zoom calls, meet ups, etc. I had every intention to go and to support my brother.
His fiancé Ella (29F) then planned her bachelorette party. Prior to sending out invitations, Ella called me for advice about her trip. Ella said she knew this will upset my family (my family is very close), but my sister will not be invited as she is going with her friends and not a family trip. I was kind of shocked because my sister was a BRIDESMAID for the wedding….so how can you not invite her…
My mom did pressure Ella to make my sister a bridesmaid because she always wanted to be one and has no sisters. Honestly, many people dislike my sister so that's why my mom will make sure she’s always included in plans.
Ella went on to explain how she regrets allowing my mom to “guilt and bully” her into making my sister a bridesmaid, but she can still make her trip right by inviting her closest friends. I was floored. How incredibly rude to do to the family you’re marrying into?
Ella also explained since their wedding is non-traditional, titles, roles, etc did not matter. She kept defending her “right” to invite who she wants to her trip and said she didn’t invite her own sister because they also do not have a close relationship. I still felt like my sister should be going because she has known her for 8 years.
Ella even said my sister would RUIN her trip based off past experiences. Which I will admit she has ruined a few nights out with her drinking. But she is FAMILY.
I decide to tell my parents what happened. My mother was devastated and began crying that her daughter wasn’t invited. This into a lengthy fight with my family towards my brother because they wanted to convince him to change Ella’s mind. She was pretty fucking set on her decision. So I dropped out of his trip.
I told Brian I obviously can’t go on his trip since our sister is clearly being left out. If I go and she doesn’t, it would absolutely DEVASTATE my family. I could not have long term resentment with my family so I chose to skip it and protect my family.
I am writing now because the bachelor trip was months ago but my relationship with my brother and Ella has not recovered. We used to hang out on weekends but clearly we don’t speak anymore. Ella apparently feels I betrayed her trust by telling my parents about our phone call. She has been distant ever since this happened.
I was just doing right by my family. I had no issues with her but did not agree with my sister being left out.
My family is perfectly fine that I skipped the trip and I was able to support my sister. During the wedding my mom even tried to talk to Ella about this and ask she let everything go, but I don’t know what happened with that.
Anyway. Am I the asshole for defending my family?
EDIT: No one invited to the trip was a bridesmaid. Ella did not want friends to be bridesmaids. She actually ended up sending a text to my sister and her other sister that she wasn’t doing bridesmaids anymore because it was too stressful since she was also dealing with a mental health crisis during the wedding planning
From the comments:
Your family are overbearing bullies who have to get your way or you scream and cry. And your actions and behaviour has caused Brian and Ella to distance themselves from you. And it's all your fault.
Yes! Even after admitting his sister is disliked by many people and has ruined other occasions with her drinking!
Guess what, no one has to subject themselves to people who behave poorly just for FaMiLy! That means the happy couple does not need to subject themselves to OP’s sister or OP.
That's what I thought as well! I mean, even if Ella's sister was 6-7 years old, that doesn't matter, if she is not willing to invite even her own sister, why is she expected to invite someone else's?
Oh, and by the way, OP, did it cross your mind that Ella is building her own family and not just adding herself into yours? And it is her wedding too, so she will invite whoever she wants to her bachelorette party?
The family’s problems peek through even if he doesn’t really dwell on it. The way he pulled out the FAMILY card shows just how selfish they are. No wonder they’re LC these days. YTA
Reading these comments do you still not understand that you were wrong? Do you still not understand that Ella was bullied by your family to include someone who is incredibly problematic in her wedding? All of which lead to mental health issues for Ella
familyfirst12345 OP responded:
I do get what they are saying. Maybe not healthy but my sister would of been so upset that I was part of the bachelor party but she wasn't in the other.
At the end of the day she is my sister and I felt extreme amount of guilt being part of something like that. It wasn’t an easy decision. I told Brian I needed time to think. I took a week and told him my final answer was no.
I felt it was against my character and the guilt and pit in my stomach I felt was clearly telling me this was wrong. So I went with my gut