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Man refuses to attend sister's child-free wedding if stepdaughter isn't invited.

Man refuses to attend sister's child-free wedding if stepdaughter isn't invited.

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I have two daughters, my biological daughter Alicia (6) and my stepdaughter Marissa (14). I started dating my wife Natalie two and a half years ago, and we have been married for seven months.

Marissa's father is, to be blunt, a narcissistic asshole and Natalie works long hours. So while there were some issues at first we've gotten really close. Plus Alicia completely loves and looks up to her big sister.

My sister, May, has been planning her wedding. I'm the best man. She wanted Alicia to be her flowergirl and our nephews are both involved. They want a childfree wedding, but made an exception for every niece and nephew aside from Marissa.

I understand not having Marissa in the wedding party, but having all the cousins but Marissa at the wedding isn't right. I tried to talk to May about it, but it's gone poorly. She thinks it's fine, that Marissa doesn't have a role so there no reason to bring her, that she doesn't want more children at the wedding, that she 'barely knows' Marissa so it's 'not the same' as Alicia.

So it would be me, Nat and Alicia there, as well as all the cousins, but Marissa has to stay home. While I can kind of see where she's coming from, I don't agree at all. I told May that if she excludes Marissa, Alicia, and I won't be coming. She's furious about me not supporting her, losing the flowergirl and best man and thinks I'm being selfish.

I've tried to avoid fighting over it and to just repeat that I won't attend and stay out of it, but May is furious and my parents and brother have been badgering me about it as well. Everyone thinks I'm being unreasonable, that it's May's choice, but that doesn't mean I have to be ok with it.

She can make her choice, and I'll make mine. I've made so much progress trying to show Marissa that she's family, that she's loved, and I'm not going to let them treat her like an outsider. Still, I've been getting a lot of pressure from my family and it's possible I'm being unreasonable. AITA?

From the comments:

Astyryx says:

Talk about unreasonable! Your sister 'thinks we'll enough' of you to want you to be in the wedding party, your daughter to be in the wedding party, but not enough of you to put out a chair for us our stepdaughter when you ask? Fourteen is not so child as to ruin a 'child-free' wedding, NTA

Your sister is monstrous for wanting to hurt a 14yo so much, and the thought of 'everyone gets to go to this wedding except you' is sadistic.

Out of, I don't know, random curiosity, is your stepdaughter a different skin color to your sister?

aitatadad83772 OP responds:

Ironically enough, Alicia is mixed while the rest of us are white, so I don't think that's it. But I agree with the rest.

aitatadad83772 OP added:

If she doesn't see my stepdaughter as family then she isn't the kind of family I want to support.

Deucalion666 says:

And she’s a stranger to your sister. A wedding is not the time to get to know her. The hypotheticals you’re proposing don’t change your actual situation.

aitatadad83772 OP responded:

Yes but if the hypothetical was true no one would be saying she isn't as much my niece, which is my point. A two year old is just as much a stranger, realistically more so given how much they'll change.

Round_Brush_4828 says:

Do you think Marissa or your wife would appreciate being alienated from the family because of future resentment that can result from this decision of yours? What about if Alicia still wants go and participate? Are you willing to let her go without you?

I mean today you are not going to the wedding. Soon, no more holiday gatherings, birthdays, funerals. Those nieces and nephews would see you as the uncle that dissed them forever more.

aitatadad83772 OP responded:

I mean it depends. If those events are going to exclude my daughter, probably not. I certainly have no interest in a birthday they says all cousins but Marissa allowed.

Round_Brush_4828 asks:

Do you think you would be invited again so easily without making amends?

aitatadad83772 responded:

If rejecting Marissa is the hill for her to die on, then I won't be making amends. like I don't want our relationship to go badly, but Marissa is my daughter as much as Alicia. If someone hurts my daughter I'm not going to placate all their feelings.

Maleficent-Cable-942 says:

I can see Marissa not being in the wedding party because she is still new to them. However, I don't see why she can't be an exception to the no kids rule & attend as a guest with your wife Natalie. You could take a few extra pictures with her & move on with building your relationships over time. That would have been a nice compromise.

Honestly, I'm a little bummed out that your wife isn't more upset about this.

aitatadad83772 OP responded:

Yeah that's the solution I'd think most appropriate. But it's a no go for May. And Nat is actually upset about this. She's just unfortunately a bit too much of a people pleaser and too willing to go along with things. It's how she got stuck with her ex. She's better, and I've definitely been trying to teach her to be more assertive, but she just isn't there yet.

Toe-Outrageous says:

That's just wrong. Family is more than blood.

aitatadad83772 responded:

Exactly. Marissa is family, it's just wrong to exclude her this way

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