'BIL’s fiancée claims my family never RSVP’d, but I’m the only one without a seat.' UPDATED
"BIL’s fiancée claims my family never RSVP’d, but I’m the only one without a seat."
I’m not quite ready for all of my husband’s family to get involved. I think. I’m still reeling and trying to process this, so bear with me. My brother-in-law is getting married soon.
My husband is the best man, and our 4 year old is the ring bearer. I’m a part time party planner so I’ve been helping plan a small luncheon for the bridal party, immediate family, and a few vendors on the wedding day. So I’m not exactly a fringe guest here.
The RSVP deadline was a few weeks ago. I filled out the online form and submitted it the same day the invitation came in the mail, with my husband sitting right next to me. We RSVP’d for the three of us: me, my husband, and our son. Easy peasy, right?
Well, BIL’s fiancée (SIL I guess) reached out today over text simply saying we never RSVP’d. Not “Hey, I never saw your RSVP, just checking” but straight-up “You didn’t respond.”
Which is frustrating on its own, but then she tells us that while my husband and son have seats at the reception as they were in part of her original head counts, I do not. My husband was told I could come early with him to set up the luncheon still and stay for the ceremony, but that I would not have a spot at the reception.
Let me repeat that: I’m married to the best man, mother of the ring bearer, and helping with wedding day logistics, including connecting SIL with some of my professional contacts!! And she somehow decided I just wouldn’t be coming? And she never followed up before the RSVP deadline? Just, what??
I’m torn between feeling hurt, furious, and just flabbergasted. And used, I definitely feel used. At best, this was a sloppy mistake that she’s not owning. At worst, it feels like a pointed exclusion. I’m not sure which stings more.
My husband is going to handle the conversation with his brother to figure out what is going on, because I genuinely don’t trust myself to be polite and keep the peace. There was no other drama leading up to this that I was aware of. I have a good relationship with my in-laws. So yeah, this is totally out of left field for me and my husband.
I would love to hear thoughts, especially from people who’ve gone through something similar. I don’t typically touch weddings with work so this is all new territory for me as a pseudo vendor/guest.
My husband wants to reach out and talk to his brother first, but I’m so tempted to reach out to my MIL before our usual meet up tomorrow to see if she knows anything.
Small update! Husband and BIL are talking now. BIL was not working today (last night?) and was helping FIL with something this evening. When I called MIL, she had BIL call husband right away.
From what MIL and I can hear (we’re snoopy), my husband was muted on BIL’s phone and my contact was deleted. BIL can’t log into the wedding website so he can’t check to see if our RSVP was there. I’m not sure if I want to become a fire cracker myself or get some popcorn as I watch MIL pop off.
And ok, here’s the last update for the night. I am tired and a bit overwhelmed by all of your responses. I’m sorry I haven’t replied to them all but I have read most of them. Again, thank you for your advice and just general support during this really weird and upsetting time.
The OP then returned with another update.
So, my husband finally got a hold of BIL after I called MIL. No one else knew this was going on. While they were talking, BIL tried logging into their wedding website to see if this was a mistake or misunderstanding, but couldn’t log in. So he texted SIL to see if she changed the password and she just told him to come home instead.
This set off three. One, BIL ended the call with husband to call SIL about why she couldn’t answer a simple question. Two, MIL popped off about “how dare that woman exclude OP!” Three, MIL and FIL popped off on BIL for already living with SIL.
They are very religious and traditional and don’t believe that a couple should live together before marriage. Husband and I sympathize with BIL. BIL and SIL argued over the phone. Apparently she started claiming that it was an unfortunate glitch and it was too late to add another seat now. Then it was that we never jived and would it really be so bad if I went home early.
Plus I could take our son home with me because he would be tired by then (at 5pm?! This woman does not know kids I stg). Then it was I’ve always been mean and excluding her from things (even though she’s never invited me to any of the girlie fun wedding events?!)
At this point my husband and I are glued to my phone as we’re hearing yelling from all four of them until SIL hangs up. BIL is spending the night at his parents and is unsure about the wedding now.
He plans on going home tomorrow with husband going with for moral support. I’ll be going with hubby to my in law’s to hang out until we hear back about the situation at the battle front.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You are smart to wait and let hubs talk to his brother. I’m flabbergasted also. That is freaking nuts! (And this is coming from someone who is totally laid back and not someone who usually takes things personally). Just try to take your mind off it and see what hubs reports. Go from there.
TA_NoPlace5878 (OP)
I’m usually pretty laid back too! I haven’t seen the texts yet by hubs called on his lunch break when he saw them, and I have not heard him this pissed in a long time. I’m trying to give SIL the benefit of the doubt, but this feels very personal and intentional.
Sounds like your son now has other things to do that weekend and your luncheon should get accidentally canceled.
Cancel the luncheon. If you are not welcome at the wedding, there is no need for you to be free labor.
TA_NoPlace5878 (OP)
I think I’m going to do this no matter what the outcome is. It puts MIL and FIL in a bit of a lurch since they’re handling the food costs, but idk. I know I’m biased because I’m in the middle of it, but I feel like there should be some consequences.
Let your husband handle the communication. If your BIL doesn’t get it corrected, your husband gets to make his own choice to attend or not (when his wife is being purposefully excluded) and your son stays home with you. This is completely unacceptable on your soon-to-be SIL’s part. It’s actually disgusting that she clarified that you’d still be welcome to set up but not stay.
Two days later, the OP returned with another update.
So, hi. Just to clarify something from the original post: I did not plan everything for the wedding. I offered to bring food for a small luncheon between photos (10am) and the ceremony (4pm) as dinner wasn’t planned until 6pm.
It was going to be a long day at a farm in the middle of no where. I offered to do it to be nice but also to make sure no one (specifically a certain 4 year old) would be hangry for the ceremony. SIL also only used one of my vendor contacts, so with things going south my professional reputation shouldn’t really be impacted.
Well, it turns out, the “no seat for OP” issue was the problem that broke BIL’s relationship. And we’re a bit upset that BIL didn’t talk to anyone about this until it blew up.
Behind the scenes, BIL and SIL were having arguments about their future together. Most of these arguments centered around having kids. Early on, SIL gave the impression that she wanted children someday. But as they got more serious, she started backtracking.
A few months ago BIL realized that it’s very likely SIL never wanted kids, but felt too invested in the relationship to leave. But BIL always imagined having a large family so this really shook him.
On top of that, SIL apparently had jealousy and insecurity issues. Per BIL, I’ve been her latest target (???) which started when I turned down going to a mani/pedi with her.
Why did I turn her down? Husband and son had rotavirus. Apparently I was icing her out by not wanting to spread gastrointestinal doom. Can anyone please explain this logic to us?
Lastly, SIL was apparently already floating the idea of disinviting our son from the reception because he would’ve been the only small child there. BIL shut that down immediately, and MIL/FIL kept that knowledge from us to spare our feelings.
Ergo, our “lost” RSVP was not a software glitch. Nor was it an oversight, but a rather stupidly calculated move. SIL was apparently hoping one of two things would happen.
Either I would make a scene about being disinvited and be seen as the problem. Or we would quietly accept our fate and she would not have to deal with two undesirables at her reception.
With all of this in mind, I can’t figure out why she would have messaged my husband instead of me. Was she trying to cause more family drama? Again, the logic is not logicking.
BIL was already feeling some uncertainty because of the shifting kids/no kids conversation. But the deliberate seating stunt gave him the last push and clarity he needed. BIL told my husband it was a level of manipulation and cruelty that he could not overlook. So he ended things and asked for the ring back.
No wedding, no reception. Just a super messy, emotionally heavy, and expensive break up. And I feel so bad for BIL. He’s going through so much heartache right now, but he deserves better in a partner.
Hopefully SIL can find a family dynamic that doesn’t feel like a never ending battlefield. That’s all for now. I’m still tired. I’m still flabbergasted. But I’m also relieved this wedding arc is coming to an end.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's update:
Your non-SIL is an idiot.
TA_NoPlace5878 (OP)
You’ll hear no arguments from us.
Her poorly executed treachery turns out to be a blessing in disguise for BIL. Had she not hatched this ill fated plot and sabotaged the phone, ect., he would have married to this monster. Her cover up, ironically, was the evidence of the truth.
On another note, this is really unusual and why the post got so much attention. We see mostly obnoxious conduct, but this scenario is unique. She really outdid almost every terrible bridezilla. How did the conversation with your husband and him go? There was obviously some admissions. Did you get a sense of the tone of the talk?
TA_NoPlace5878 (OP)
I was wondering why my little vent and need for advice is trending 😅 Besides SIL’s poorly done power trip, I didn’t think this was an unusual situation. I don’t know all of the details of the convo my husband had with BIL.
From my understanding, on the drive to the apartment my husband asked “hey what’s your game plan because this is full on crazy and not ok” and BIL opened up to him about everything that was going on.
You'll probably hear plenty from her. She sounds unhinged. I wouldn't be at all surprised, given her propensity to blame you for ridiculous things, if you or both you and your husband start getting calls, messages, or visits from her attacking you and blaming you for everything. This does not sound like a person that lets things go.
Please give us more details about how SIL reacted to being called out and to the wedding being called off!
TA_NoPlace5878 (OP)
Per BIL, there was a lot of begging and crying. There was also anger and accusations that he was cheating with me (EWW), followed by professions of love and offers to go to therapy. She also kept taking the items he was packing up out of his bags until he called my husband to come in and be another set of eyes.
Thank you for the update. My heart breaks for your BIL but I’m glad you and the rest of the family are spared any more craziness. Hopefully BIL finds someone who wants to have all the kids and fits in with the broader family.