'AITA for accepting my daughter's request to walk her down the aisle instead of her stepdad?'
"AITA for accepting my daughter's request for me to walk her down the aisle and fill in for a mother/daughter dance at her wedding when my husband has been her stepdad since she was 10?"
PopShort7064
I lost my first husband when our children Calla (24f) and Hawthorn (26m) were 6 and 8 years old. I remarried 4 years later. I met my husband a year after losing my late husband. We were friends for several months, dated some, stronger feelings developed and I introduced him to the kids to see how they would get along.
We halted for a year while my kids and I did some therapy because their reaction to my husband was strongly negative, because they didn't want to replace their dad. But once therapy was ongoing they were doing better.
From there things moved faster but the kids were on board for things to move on. They were clear, however, that my husband was not going to be filling the role of a dad in their lives. My husband said he was fine with that as long as he was respected and they could work toward being caring family.
Calla and I were always close, but she was a real daddy's girl. Losing her dad was extremely tough for her. She did form a nice relationship with my husband, but it comes nowhere close to the bond she had with her dad. From the age of 12 she and I became much closer.
I think my parenting style as well as my willingness to talk about her dad even after I remarried made me someone she felt she could be open with. She was 15 when she told me if she ever got married she would want me to walk her down the aisle and for us to do a mother/daughter dance instead of a father/daughter one.
I told her we could dance to the song her dad used to sing to her. She said she loved the idea. Even though she seemed to mean it, I always assumed things would change when she got older.
I figured she would choose to walk alone, with her brother as a representation of her dad and their close relationship as well as for the societal expectation for a man to do it, or with her husband.
But, when she got engaged three weeks ago she asked me right away. She brought up our past conversation and told me she wanted exactly that. I told her I would be honored. We cried tears of joy together. I told her that her dad would be so proud.
My husband took the news in a way I did not expect. His first question was whether I suggested she ask us both to do it and I told him no. Then he asked if she ever considered asking him and I said I could not answer that for her.
He asked me if I thought of him when I said yes. He asked whether I gave any thought to all he has done for Calla, for both kids, and the fact he's still not looked upon as a fatherly figure all these years later.
I told him I did not think of him when asked because I was overjoyed. He told me I should have given him a lot more consideration and I should have tried to compromise with my daughter.
I thought he would change his stance but now, three weeks on, he still feels I was wrong. He told me he felt he deserved more from all of us, but especially me. He said I am his wife. I should be working on making sure he is respected and honored for his contribution to the kids' lives. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
mayrigirl5
NTA, your husband should respect your daughter's wishes. Although I wonder, does he feel entailed because he's the step-father or is he contributing financially with the wedding? If it's the latter, maybe that's why he feels that way? Either way is your daughter's decision.
The OP responded here:
PopShort7064
He is not contributing financially to the wedding.
andromache97
"all he has done for Calla, for both kids, and the fact he's still not looked upon as a fatherly figure all these years later."
"I should be working on making sure he is respected and honored for his contribution to the kids' lives"
Ignoring everything else about his entitlement and total assholery, you should ask him "Why are you more worthy of respect and honor in Calla's life than ME?" Does he think you don't deserve these honors??? (sexist traditions blah blah).
NTA. This is a ridiculously happy and exciting time for you and your daughter and your husband is making it all about himself.
friendlily
NTA. Your husband is dead wrong. This isn't about him and all he's done. It's about Calla. She lost her dad and, while the grief fades a bit over the years, big events bring it roaring back in (at least that's been my experience). Her wedding is going to be bittersweet.
She needs her parent (the one she's always had and the one who loved her dad) to "give her away." I'm surprised that you expected Calla to change her mind. And I'm glad you accepted and did not try to offer any alternate suggestions, thereby ruining the moment.
I'm not sure what your husband thinks he deserves but he's coming off as quite selfish and entitled. Y'all went to therapy while you were on pause with him, but has he ever been? He needs it.
ETA: I wanted to add after reading the other comments, while I do think it's nice to generally consider others' feelings, she doesn't owe it to her stepdad/your husband to apologize about this. She has been clear about what she's wanted for years. He's the one who decided he should be given this role when he was never promised it.
She's not responsible for his feelings. You aren't either OP, so while you can show empathy and try to understand where he's coming from, he owes you and Calla the same - empathy and understanding someone else's perspective that doesn't center him.
Caspian4136
NTA. This is what she wants on her wedding day and what she's planned and fantasized about since she was 12 years old. This is HER day, not his. There's no disrespect towards him as He. Is. Not. Her. Father. Full stop.
She's gone most of her life without her dad, but I guarantee she's thought of him just about every day, as I've thought of mine every day since I lost mine. It's not that she doesn't care about her stepdad, but to her, she probably feels it'd be disrespectful to her father's memory.
Plus you said they reacted very negatively towards him, to the point where you took a break for a year to work it out in therapy. Just because she seemed okay with him, she's made it clear she's never looked at him as a father figure. He needs to learn to accept that.