Ex-stepchild's past behavior leads bride to demand she is excluded from wedding. AITA?
"AITA for not wanting my fiancé’s ex-wife’s child in my wedding party?"
tntj07
My fiancé (36m) and I (34f) have been together for several years and just got engaged in December 2023. Prior to getting engaged, we had started talking wedding plans back in Aug 2023 and have been pretty settled on our wedding party.
We have my sister (36), my best friend (35), his niece (13) has maid/matron of honors and bridesmaid, and his nieces (6 and 4) as flower girls, his 2 best friends (37 and 36) as best men, my nephew (14) as groomsman, and my nephew (10) and his nephew (10) as ring bearers.
Now a little backstory that I will try to keep short but still give enough info for informed decisions. Prior to us getting together, my fiancé was married for 3 years. Before getting married, they dated for 3 years.
During the time they dated, she slept with her ex boyfriend and got pregnant in an attempt to get back together with him. When he still rejected her, she attempted to force miscarriage multiple times but still ended up having the baby.
At the point my now fiancé separated from her, her child was about 4 years old. Initially he did still try to spend time with her, but as she got older she started showing severe behavior issues.
She doesn’t listen to any adults; knows right and wrong and will intentionally do what is wrong, wait to be told to stop, then continue to do it until she is yelled at. Then, she plays victim.
She bullies other children, including the nieces and nephew in his family, physically hurting them, or saying mean things; she gets in regular fights at school; she regularly tells me she hates me and wishes I didn’t exist. Really the list goes on.
The last few years my fiancé and I have had very minimal contact with the ex-wife's child. His parents however still insist that she is their “grand daughter” and get her at least once or twice a month and demand “her daddy” needs to come see her (to clarify more, they are picking her up from her bio fathers house). My fiance will tell them no.
They will also get her and bring her to holidays, family gatherings, the nieces/nephews birthdays uninvited. It got to a point where the oldest niece asked them to not bring her to her birthday because she is so mean to her and the other kids. They still brought her.
Now here is the AITA question. Despite having our wedding party planned for months, my fiance came to me and said that if all the other kids in his family are in it then she HAS to be or her feelings will be hurt.
I personally don’t care if her feelings are hurt and am fine excluding just her because of how she treats everyone. We both know she will be invited, because even if we don’t invite her, his parents will get her and bring her anyway. So AITA for not wanting my fiancé’s ex-stepdaughter in my wedding party?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
diminishingpatience
NTA.
"His parents however still insist that she is their “granddaughter” and get her at least once or twice a month and demand “her daddy” needs to come see her."
You do not need to support their delusion, especially on your wedding day.
"Despite having our wedding party planned for months, my fiance came to me and said that if all the other kids in his family are in it then she HAS to be or her feelings will be hurt."
Your feelings don't matter though?
The OP responded here:
tntj07
I brought that up and made that point. He is a people pleaser to the extreme especially when it comes to his parents. But I pointed out that he is thinking of her and her feelings and possibly even his parents comments, but isn’t thinking about me or his own feelings on the one day that is supposed to be about us.
Pretzelmamma
NTA. Are you absolutely 100% certain that this child is not his? It honestly reads as if he's lying to you about paternity. Why would he care if her feelings are hurt? Why has he not put his foot down with his parents about referring to him as daddy to her? Smells fishy.
The OP again responded:
tntj07
100% certain, paternity tests were involved during custody proceedings with the biological father. He has put his foot down with his parents in small increments. When they travel around the country to visit family they will demand that he gets her some and he will adamantly tell them no.
She still calls him dad/daddy from when she was little and he was still married to her mother, and she just hasn’t been corrected. But they will full try to guilt trip him that he is still a father figure and don’t listen when he says no.
PrismalpinkGaming
NTA: 1.) his wife cheated on him (in the past, during their relationship as the OP says) and had that child :/ 2.) That child disobeys adults, bullies, and hurts people and kids like you said. 3.) This is your celebration, so you have the right to not invite her. She and her mom are toxic people.
boboddy42069
Wait so this kid isn’t your fiancé’s kid? This is a kid that his ex had with another guy? Lol NTA and his family is delusional.
dabassmonsta
NTA. She's not family. She's not your fiancé's family either and his parents really need to back away from her. Your fiancé needs to put them straight on this. She will only spoil the day and then hate you all for it. Don't invite her. You can get to the inevitable conclusion in a much easier way.