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'AITA for telling my father I'll cut ties if he doesn't come to my wedding?' UPDATED

'AITA for telling my father I'll cut ties if he doesn't come to my wedding?' UPDATED


"AITA for telling my father I'll cut ties with him if he doesn't come to my wedding?"


My (26F) father (59M) is a slightly known musician in my home country. Due to his career, he missed out on most of my milestones while I was growing up. School plays, a few birthdays and both my high school and college graduations, to name a few. Mostly events he was informed of months in advance, and canceled on me either weeks or days before.

He always apologized for doing so, but never really seemed to feel guilty. I remember we almost had a fight because I didn't want to watch a video of my high school graduation he had missed. It hurt me so much as a child that I stopped expecting him to show up. It still bothered me when I got older, but at that point I understood that it was his job and I should be grateful he even had one.

I'm getting married in early September. My fiancé (28M) and I have been planning this wedding for a year and a half. The date was decided and invitations were sent months ago. Almost every guest has already RSVP'd. I've reminded my father of the date several times this past year, and he kept assuring me he had 'blocked the entire week off for the wedding' and would be there.

A couple days ago, my father called to inform me he'd had to schedule a concert for my wedding day. He apologized and said he'd 'make it up to me' with a gift. I don't want a gift. I want my father to come to my wedding. So I told him that either he figured out a way to reschedule (which I know he could probably do if he tried), or I'd cut ties with him.

What followed was one of the biggest fights we've ever had. He called me ungrateful, spoiled and selfish for giving him that kind of ultimatum and expecting him to change his work schedule for my own benefit (which he has asked me to do on many occasions before). He yelled, and I forced myself to not yell back.

We're still fighting over this. Most of my family is on my side, though both my mom (divorced from my dad) and my fiancé have warned me not to make any moves I might regret. My sister (20F) is on my father's side, which doesn't surprise me.

I love my father and I really don't want to stop talking to him, but I'm done with him expecting to be able to miss out on my life with no consequences. That being said, I'd be lying if I said that I don't feel guilty. Just writing this all down made me feel like a huge brat. AITA?

EDIT: Thought I'd clarify some things: -My mom and my fiancé are 100% on my side. They told me to be careful because they know I don't really want to go NC. Also, my mom has barely spoken to my father in almost 20 years and my fiancé is with me because we love each other, not because of who my father is.

-My father is not a struggling artist. He's been in this line of work since before I was born. I wouldn't consider him rich, but he lives more than just comfortably. If I thought he couldn't afford to reschedule a concert, I wouldn't blame him for not being able to come to the wedding. And yes, he paid child support and provided for both me and my sister.

-I do have other people who can walk me down the aisle. My stepdad (which would make my dad furious, so I might do it purely out of pettiness) and at least two of my best friends would be more than willing to.

-My father isn't paying for any part of the wedding. He offered to, but I declined. I don't live with him anymore, and both me and my fiancé have good jobs. When I was younger, I told myself that once I didn't need his money anymore, I'd never ask for it again.

-My sister isn't the golden child. He missed many of her milestones as well.

Also, I've tried acting indifferent before. It doesn't work. He interprets it as forgiveness. It's the reason why he still does this.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after this initial post:


NTA. He looked at his availability and CHOSE to schedule a concert on your wedding day. There are 364 other days in the year. Congrats on your upcoming nuptials. Sorry your dad sucks.


I don't blame you. I would do the same. Relationships are two way streets. If he wanted to, he would.


NTA He has always put his career ahead of his relationship with you. To miss ALL of your milestones is ridiculous. He avoiding being with the family for some reason. You want him to put you first ONE time. He should do it. He's just way too comfortable canceling bc he always has.

I would express to him all of the things he's missed and that you need him to put you first one time. One day isn't going to ruin his career and he can deal with being uncomfortable around some people for your sake. Be a father!


I don't care who he is, any man can make time to be at his daughter's wedding. There is no excuse when he's had plenty of notice. I couldn't imagine not being at my daughter's wedding.


NTA. Your fiance and mom aren’t rly getting it, it seems. Yes you could regret cutting ties with him. Yes, it’s gonna hurt. But it’s gonna hurt more trying to pretend that one day he MIGHT come around. Having a constant reminder of all the hurt he brought you with his absence. But it’s only for you to decide how important that is to you.

A little over a week later, the OP returned with an update.

'UPDATE: AITA for telling my father I'll cut ties with him if he doesn't come to my wedding?'


Hey guys. A lot has happened, but I'll try to keep this short. I'll start off by saying that your comments on my first post were very eye-opening. Though some of the assumptions you made were wrong, I could see where they all came from, and most of what you said was so spot-on it was painful to read.

Someone said that my father doesn't see me as a person, but as an extension of himself. That one hurt the most, because it's the best definition of my relationship with my father I've ever seen.

My father wasn't neglectful in the traditional sense. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old, and my mom had primary custody of me and my sister, but we still went to his place several times a week. My mother is a teacher and couldn't raise us on her salary alone, so he was our main financial supporter even after the divorce.

Because of all of this, he seems to believe he was the best father ever. Whenever we fought, he always insisted I was wrong and ungrateful. Those same arguments were used whenever I demonstrated I was upset over him missing out on my milestones.

In his head, for instance, I couldn't get angry if he missed my high school graduation or if he didn't pay attention to any of the projects I developed in college, because he was the one paying for my education. I decided to stop complaining about this when I was younger, having realized I wouldn't be able to get him to see my side.

This wedding incident felt like a turning point, though. Especially since he wasn't paying for anything this time. It made me accept that he doesn't care how much he contributed anymore, but still believes I don't have the right to be upset.

I now realize there's no winning this. If he doesn't come, I'll be devastated. If he does, I'll always remember I had to force my own father to come to my wedding. At this point, I'm not even sure which is worse.

A few days ago, I had a discussion with my father over the phone, in which I expressed all of the above and more. And as expected, he called me dramatic, accused me of alienating myself, and berated me for talking to him the way I did. I hung up on him. This is how our fights have gone since I was a teenager, and it never solves anything. We haven't spoken since.

I sent him a long text, basically saying I didn't want to hear from him until he was ready to both give me a sincere apology and own up to the fact that the status of our relationship is his fault. This is all wishful thinking, I really don't think either are ever going to happen.

I love my father, and I know he loves me to bits. But I can't do this anymore. He's been around my entire life, and still barely knows me for who I am. It's his turn to make that effort.

Right now, I'm trying to muster up excitement for my wedding. I lost most of it these past weeks. My fiancé, my mom and my friends are all trying to cheer me up, and it's starting to work. I'm definitely feeling a lot better than last week. I'm really grateful to have them in my life. So that's it for now. Thank you all for your support on my previous post.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:


OP’s father easily accepted other commitments before his daughter’s milestones but he couldn’t do the same with her in her life. Throwing money around and using that as an excuse for “caring” is nothing less than being lazy and a cheap love one. Relationships are a two way street.


WOW, I can't believe OP has had to basically beg her own father to go to her wedding. This should be the time in her life and he does not seem to care. Her sperm donor is all about himself. When she mentions to him how he has let her down again, he calls her entitled and more. What a horrid man.


Why on earth would she think he “loves her to bits?” It doesn’t even sound like he likes her.


It's time to cut bait. Uninvite him and explain that step father is ready and more than willing to be the father of the bride since he is declining to do so. You will also do the tradition/daughter dance with stepdad. You hope he has a fulfilling life but moving forward, it is best if you don't speak.

I'm sorry he was never good enough to be the father you deserve. I am happy for you finding a man who loves you unconditionally. Have a great wedding and a love filled life.


NTA - It sounds like you are better off without him. You said 'He's been around my entire life, and still barely knows me for who I am'. Stop trying so hard to win him over. When he sees you are no longer trying, hopefully he will see what an ass he is and if not you are better off without his negativity.

So, do you think it is time for the OP to cut all ties with her father or is there any way they can reconcile their relationship?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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