Woman says fiancé's daughter can't be flower girl because she 'isn't pure.' NEW UPDATE
"AITA for telling my fiancée my daughter has to be in our wedding?"
whoevenisthat5
I (45m) have a daughter (P) from a previous relationship. I divorced my ex wife on good terms and we share 50/50 custody of P. She is now 11. After I divorced my ex wife I met my now fiancée (S). She and my daughter got along very well . After 5 years in my relationship with S, I proposed.
S was super excited and wanted to start planning right away. She looked at venues and started asking her friends to be her bridesmaids. She then told me she wanted her niece to be a flower girl. Which I had no problem with, but I said I also wanted P to be a flower girl. S looked at my funny and then said that she didn’t think that P would “fit the part”
I got angry and told S that my daughter would be in our wedding. S started to become upset and said that the girls in the wedding were up to her and P wouldn’t be one of them. I told S that if P wasn’t in the wedding then there might not be a wedding. I stormed out and took P to get ice cream.
P knows we are getting married and told me she thinks she will look pretty I whatever dress S decides she should wear this broke my heart and I decided to text S.
I told her I would be staying at a friends to think this over. My MIL texted me saying I and over reacting and that my daughter doesn’t have to be in my wedding and I was and ass for saying that I would cancel.
So did I take it too far saying I will cancel? Am I overreacting or just being a good dad?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
10x10Hag
This is a big red flag. If she doesn't want to include her step daughter in her wedding then don't expect she will include your daughter in her life...
Music19773
NTA - Be careful, S just showed you her true feelings for P. You want the people who mean the most in your wedding. The fact that your fiancée, who I’m guessing is younger than you and this will be her first marriage, doesn’t think your daughter fits that description is extremely telling to me.
Even if S gives in, you’ve now seen where your daughter rates in her potential stepmother’s life. If you choose to ignore this, it won’t be the last time your daughter is left on the outside looking in.
ariadne_of_crete
NTA. You aren’t overreacting at all. It isn’t just S’s wedding, it’s YOUR wedding as a couple. And a joining of families. What a dumb hill for S to die on, but she is showing you who she really is.
The fact that S wants to exclude your daughter should tell you all you need to know and how S really feels about your daughter. I think you’re right to reconsider things. How S is treating so now will set the stage for how she will continue to treat her if you marry her.
Imagine how S treats your daughter when you aren’t around. Think about that.
JSJ34
NTA I agree. As a parent it’s a deal breaker for me. I’d expect my son to be a page boy and my daughter to be a flower girl
Your fiancée is trying to exclude your daughter from your (both of your!) wedding party. It’s a huge red flag about her attitude. No wedding until it’s resolved.
Conscious-Turnip7265
It's a major warning sign for the future as well. Your initial impression was valid, in my opinion.
Recently the OP has returned with a significant update:
'Update on the last post!'
whoevenisthat5
Hey Reddit! Thank everyone for all the kind words and suggestions. To answer a few questions, my daughter is not disabled, chubby, or having an awkward faze (braces/glasses).
I did ask if P could be a groomsman, S immediately shot me down. S is 39, she is the same race as my daughter, this is her first marriage. I tried to answer as many comments as possible!
I came home to talk to S today. When I pulled in our driveway, my MIL was sitting there in her car. I got out and went inside trying to avoid talking to MIL. S was sitting at the kitchen table and I joined her.
She sat in silence so I asked the first question, why does P not fit the part, and why don’t you want her in the wedding at all? Her answer full on shocked me.
She quietly said, I was hoping that after the wedding you could become a holiday visit only dad, I didn’t want her in the wedding so she wouldn’t be in the photos around the house since she wasn’t going to be around much. I kept my cool, calmly took her hand, and pulled my engagement ring off.
Her eyes started to tear up, she said we shouldn’t end the marriage over this and that she can change. I told her the damage was already done. I told her I wanted her things moved out by next week and that she could come get them when my daughter wasn’t home. (The house is in my name and I paid for it, I was allowing her to get her furniture that she paid for).
She stormed out and MIL came knocking on the door saying I was being unreasonable. I couldn’t imagine only seeing my daughter 3 or 4 times a year. The fact that S wanted me to give up part of my custody blew me away.
I’m sitting on my couch just in shock. Our honeymoon was supposed to be in Hawaii. Looks like me and P will be going instead. I will update again if anything happens.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
knittedjedi
'She quietly said, I was hoping that after the wedding you could become a holiday visit only dad, I didn’t want her in the wedding so she wouldn’t be in the photos around the house since she wasn’t going to be around much.'
The fact that some people don't realize that they're Disney villains never ceases to amaze me.
Bonch_and_Clyde
It's all pretty mind-blowing. The ex-future-MIL saying he was being unreasonable for not accepting abandoning his child feels even more incredible. From a quasi-outside perspective how can she not see how psycho this is?
Alarmed_Jellyfish555
I actually don't think it's all that surprising that OP's fiancee didn't reveal her true colors earlier on. I've known a lot of people who felt similarly about their partner's children and didn't really make it clear how they felt about them until shortly after they were engaged or married.
Similar to how a lot of people turn into abusive monsters, or lazy leeches, right after moving in with someone/getting married/once someone gets pregnant or has a child.
wolfeyes555
'I kept my cool, calmly took her hand, and pulled my engagement ring off.'
This was raw as hell. Absolutely no hesitation. Grade A dad and I hope the best for him and his daughter. Oh, and I also hope Sharon steps on a Lego 5 times a day for the rest of her life.
Lunamkardas
Like I'm Childfree as all f*@k but good GODDAMN how evil do you have to be to expect someone to give up their ALREADY EXISTING child to be with you? The fact that she was so matter of fact about it blows me away, just stating how the little girl wasn't going to be coming around as much after the wedding as if it was already a done deal.
Jesus OP got lucky she was stupid enough to show her true colors before they tied the knot.
True to their word, the OP returned with an update a week later.
'Small Update!'
whoevenisthat5
Hello everyone! Thank you for all the kind comments and suggestions for Hawaii. We got here a few days ago and P is already having a ton of fun. If you have any cool suggestions please drop them in the comments.
As for my ex-fiancée she has tried to reach out to me wanting to work everything out saying she only did it because her mom wanted “pure” grandchildren. I still do not care. If she really loved me and my daughter, she wouldn’t have acted on her mother's wishes.
S has called my workplace to try and get in touch with me, she has even shown up a few times to try and talk to me and I’ve told my supervisor to just ask her to leave. She has gone as far as messaging my ex wife a few times wanting to know why her calls won’t go through to me.
When she caught wind that we were in Hawaii she was p*@sed. I’m still close with her brother, and he told me that her and her mom were going to try and get plane tickets. If that’s the case I will likely file a restraining order.
P has asked what happened to S and I told her that we come as a package deal and S only wanted me and I couldn’t leave her. P understood but I think she was a little heartbroken. I know this update is small but it’s all I have for those asking.
Here were the top rated comments from readers who have been following the story:
YoureAwesomeAndStuff
So happy you saw her true colors and got away. Just a small point, kids can blame themselves for breakups and that can be hard, in this case telling your kiddo it was because S didn’t want her could sink in a way you don’t intend.
I’d look for an opportunity to say something along the lines of “I’m just so happy that I didn’t marry S, she was not the person I thought she was in many ways.“ and leave it vague as “adult stuff you don’t need to worry about” if she asks follow ups, just to kind of redirect some of those possible thoughts towards a this break up = good base thinking.
Also a generic, “she just wasn’t excited about being a mom, whereas I’m so thrilled to be a dad, it had nothing to do with you, we just didn’t match that way.” would go a long way.
VermillionQ
Glad I checked in on this to read this update. Does your former future BIL have any light to shed on his monsters of a mother and sister? Why they act like this and has anyone taken them down a peg? Using the word “pure” makes me skin crawl.
What else does pure mean to that odious woman and what other red flags did the former fiancée throw up? I’m truly shocked at the lack of empathy or just human decency. You are a gem OP and congrats to you and P on dodging a massive bullet.
The OP responded here:
whoevenisthat5
Her and her brother are not very close and grew up in different homes as my ex MIL and FIL are divorced. Her brother and dad are pretty awesome though. We went and had drinks a few days after the storm of S and her mom.
GorillaGrip38
Dude. That explains why the almost-MIL was so aggressive when you got home for the come-to-jesus talk. She knew 1000% that you were gonna walk in and give her daughter the business and that it was her fault for poisoning her daughters future. What a see-you-next-tuesday lol. 😂
knittedjedi
As for my ex-fiancée she has tried to reach out to me wanting to work everything out saying she only did it because her mom wanted “pure” grandchildren.Imagine admitting this in public thinking that it would be a good excuse.
peter095837
OP is a great dad. He's strong and amazing on not taking any nonsense from Sharon and her MIL and being supportive for his child. If I was marrying someone who wanted me to throw away my own kid, I'll take the trash out quickly. Hope OP and Polly no longer need to deal with those people.
Four months later the OP returned with their final update.
"Final Update"
whoevenisthat
I realized I forgot to do an update. P and I had an epic time in Hawaii and she’s already talking about wanting to go back. Turns out when my ex-fiancée and her mom tried to buy tickets the airlines were sold out.
Instead they decided to leave piles of letters at my door. There were maybe 50 envelopes full of pages about how I need to take S back. I honestly didn’t read through them all and discarded most of them.
So far I’ve “coincidentally” run into S at grocery stores and gas stations and not payed any attention to her. She attempted to show up at my daughter’s meet the teacher night but since she didn’t have a kid she wasn’t allowed in.
From what I have heard through her brother and dad she already has a new boyfriend and just wants to get back at me now. As for me I’ve out in a restraining order on S. I did see comments asking if I was going to attempt to date again...let’s just say I took my ex-wife with me to Hawaii and we decided to try again.
All in all I’d say I don’t expect to be hearing from S or her mother again. And my ex-wife is now moved back in with my daughter and I. Thank you all so much for your support throughout this time!
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's final update:
shamrock458
I didn't expect to actually get an update, thanks OP! Also if there was ever someone to try again with judging from your past comments, you've got the right one! Good luck man.
No-Requirement-2420
I’m so glad that you both or should I say all three of you, had a good time in Hawaii.
May the rest of your life be peaceful and amazing!
Hippychick1985
Well this is a good update and kinda of figured the MIL was in on it but also the ex would be ok with this so. Good for Op and the happy ending.
Th3Yukio
wow... that was unexpected and SO wholesome!
I'm really happy for all of you, OP... Wish you all the best!