'Fiancé's childhood friend keeps trying to insert herself in our wedding.' UPDATED
"Fiancé's childhood friend keeps trying to insert herself in our wedding."
So my (31F) fiancé (34m) has a childhood friend (32F) who keeps trying to insert herself into our wedding. She referred to him as hers. She asked if she was the best man (she's not), asked for a sample of our wedding colours so she could match outfits despite not being in the wedding party.
She ordered herself a black dress knowing that I am wearing black. She went to my fiancé to see if I would mind if she gave a speech, venting to my mother about not being included and kept out of the loop.
I honestly didn't even want to invite her, but forgot to block her from a Facebook post and now feel obligated to have her there. After my fiancé told her I didn't want her to give a speech (which I told him to do), she told him to call her when he was alone.
I wasn't in the room with him when he messaged her about not giving a speech. He told me he would call her today and let me know what happens, but at this point I am ready to uninvite her to the wedding. It has been nothing but drama and stress since she "got invited" and I don't need the added stress.
I will add that my fiancé has been supportive throughout this whole thing and said he would stick up for me if she said anything nasty about me, which I fully expect her to do. He is very much a peace keeper and is trying to please everybody, but he will put his foot down for me when needed.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Chuck her out, pronto. She sounds like an unhinged stalker.
Spidermonkey931 (OP)
Honestly, she has a really weird obsession with him. They've known each other for 20 years and she feels like she has to be the most important person in his life.
Uninvite her or He also needs to tell her that she cannot wear a black dress or she will be asked to leave. Good luck.
Spidermonkey931 (OP)
I have told him, my mother, my MOH and my best friend. They all know that if she shows up in black she is being asked to leave.
She’s in love with him and trying to sabotage. He needs to either choose to honor a commitment to you, or keep her around. It’s evident he can’t have both.
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
Update real quick because things took a turn. My fiancé couldn't get her on the phone, but did message me and say that his brother put her in her place and we needed to uninvite her.
I asked what she said about me and he sent me the screenshots about her saying all kinds of horrible things about me and bringing my child from a previous relationship into it.
She kept saying I was controlling and greedy because my fiancé chose not to invite more people on his side. He finally called her and told her she was uninvited. He said she spent the whole time crying and was on the verge of a panic attack by the end of the conversation.
She is apparently going to reach out to me about the receipts for the hotel (that hasn't charged her yet) and the outfits she bought for the wedding. I am talking to him now about distancing himself from her and what the next steps there are.
I will update again next month after the wedding to let you all know if she crashed or if there is any new drama!
Side note: His brother agrees that she into him and is super jealous of me. His both also found my original post so shout out to them!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
He needs to tell her NOT to reach out to you about ANYTHING receipts or whatever. That is not your job. This is his mess and he needs to handle it. Him once again shrugging his shoulders and handing her off to you to deal with is a real problem.
Distancing himself? He needs to go “no contact” immediately. She is unstable and she hates you. Why is him speaking to her anymore still on the table? If he still wants to speak to her after this, then I would start questioning their relationship. This is ridiculous at this point and he’s created all of this by not handling it a million times ago by setting a hard/clear boundary with you as a witness.
The writing is on the wall here. She's not your only problem. If he couldn't reach her, how did his brother do it? Your fiancé isn't "keeping the peace" here. This isn't about his upbringing affecting his behavior and not wanting to upset anyone. This is his wedding too. This is your life together. You need to actually read what people have been saying here. I'll spell it out again:
It's fishy that your fiancé can't tell her that her behavior makes him uncomfortable, that he doesn't want her to come, or make a speech, or wear competing colors, or call him hers.
You claim he isn't bothered about the speech thing. Ok, but this woman has now been confirmed to be crazy for him, and meddling in your pending marriage, and he is so lukewarm about all of it based on your writing.
This doesn't alarm you at all? She's not just talking smack about you because of jealousy. He's painted you as the reason for all of this, hence the "controlling" comment.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with another update.
I wasn't planning on updating until after the wedding, but I feel the need to clear some things up.
First - When you delete a comment, I still get an email with what that comment says so you aren't slick.
Second - A lot of you seem to think they are having an affair, when that couldn't be further from the truth. My fiancé has shown me all the messages that came through and you can see when messages have been deleted. None have. Just because it happened that way to you, doesn't mean it's happening with me. I appreciate the input, but he is not having an affair.
Third - This one has been bugging me. So many people are saying that we aren't ready for marriage because of the way we are handling the situation and have been calling m fiancé spineless and a wuss. He is on the spectrum.
I honestly didn't think that needed to be said, but here we are. The way we are handling things is the way that works best for HIM to be able to handle it. Again, the input is appreciated, it is just not helpful based on our situation.
Fourth - Those that felt the need to comment on my child - you do not know me, you do not know my situation, you do not know what I was going through or struggling with. I did what was best for HER, not what was best for me.
I have heard every insult and negative thought you can think of. My daughter is happy, healthy, thriving, cared for, and safe. I am still very active in her life. She would not be doing as well as she is if I hadn't done what I did because I was not in the right head/mental space.
Again, I saw the deleted comments via email, I know what you think of me. I hope this helps clear some things up and I will post a final update after the wedding in 12 days. Yes, we are still getting married.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
You love drama. Lol
Spidermonkey931 (OP)
I really don't, but you are entitled to your opinion of me.
Wow. So his unique cognitive profile prevents him from recognizing healthy relationship boundaries or engaging in assertive communication. Those communication obstacles could give you endless drama to dwell in for the rest of your life!!!
Yeah, no. I’m also on the spectrum, and that is not an excuse for how much he’s enabling her and throwing you under the bus. I understand if it’s something he’s still working on improving with his therapist, but “handling it the way he knows he can” isn’t handling it. It’s pouring gasoline on the fire.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with their final update.
We are married! The wedding was completely drama free and she didn’t try to show up. She did however, try to guilt trip her way back to an invite before we managed to block her everywhere but it didn’t work. My husband and I are so happy!!
To all those who said that we won’t last and who said horrible and negative things: I honestly and truly hope that you all find the happiness you deserve. Hating on people on the internet isn’t going to bring you what you want, and I really hope you find it.
I will not be posting anything else about mine and my husband’s relationship. I came here to vent and now the drama is over and we’re happily married, I don’t need to worry about any more wedding drama. Thank you to all those who showed love and support throughout all of this, and good luck to those who need it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s final update:
No one said your marriage won’t last - people were saying your fiance needed to grow a backbone and not have you/his brother do the dirty work. He needs to learn to become an adult. Anyway - Congratulations and best wishes!
Haven't read the saga.. But if you're crowing a victory over just having a wedding, then man... The marriage is gonna be shit. Wedding is the easy part - the party. Marriage is the hard part.
Happy to hear it was drama free. Screw everyone who is negative about you two. Congrats and best wishes to you both!