Bride-to-be shocked to learn best friend secretly planned wedding one day before hers; ' + UPDATE
"Friend having wedding day before mine and kept relationship hidden for a whole year - what do I do?"
So I am getting married in a few weeks. About a month ago, one of my best friends who I’ve known since college and have kept in regular contact with dropped the bomb that she was getting married. I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone.
She then drops the bomb that she’s marrying a guy in our friend group and that her wedding is going to have to be the day before mine because her father in law can’t get time off work at any other time that month.
She essentially gave a few other flimsy reasons about why other weekends weren’t possible. One weekend will be a few days before her period starts so she’ll be bloated, the other she’s on her period, the other is valentines weekend and that’s cringy, the other is too close to Ramadan so she can’t go on her honeymoon straight away.
Some backstory about the person she is marrying - she is someone that we always thought she had a thing but she’d always deny it and say she saw him like a brother. We used to argue a bit over her prioritizing him over me back in college especially because this guy and I didn’t really get on much and her and I were so close.
For example, me and her had brunch plans once and she spent the whole time texting him. After graduating though, I feel like we all matured and put differences behind us to the point where her husband to be was actually invited to my wedding as my friend.
My knee jerk reaction to her telling me she was engaged was crying tears of joy for her - I truly was happy for her. But when I went home to think about it, I felt really icky.
All year since I’ve been wedding planning, she’s been asking me really specific questions about my planning process, she complained to me that as my best friend she didn’t feel involved enough in my planning process and said she wanted to come dress shopping with me (which I invited her to because of her expressing this).
But then for her to turn around and tell me that she’s been dating this guy on and off for a year whilst also keeping it secret makes her feeling left out of my stuff come across as so hypocritical.
And then there’s the question of why the rush since she’s known him a decade, and why specifically my wedding weekend when I sent out my save the dates back in march so she’s had so much time to plan and leave some time in between.
It’s not about me not having all the attention on me, it’s just how can she expect me to be fully present at her wedding, and how selfish she must be to expect me to have to fit her into an already stressful weekend for me.
When I told her this she doubled down on that weekend being the only one available and that she specifically chose that one because she knew I’d be available since I’d booked a few days off from work before the wedding and that she needed me at her wedding.
She said I would embarrass her around her future in laws since she made such a point of needing to pick a date that I could attend (even though I had no clue she was seeing him nor did she check if the day was a good fit for me).
I then also expressed how upset I was that she kept the relationship hidden from me to which she said she thought I’d cut her off because of my history not getting on with this guy. Again, we all moved past that stuff years ago and are a far cry from the kids we were when we all met back in freshman year.
When I told her I didn’t think I could make her wedding, she was so upset she cried and said she never thought I’d do that to her and skip her wedding. She’s been telling other friends in the friend group that I’m coming to the wedding when they’ve asked if that date is doable for me.
We haven’t spoken since my conversation about how upset with her I was a month ago. I’m not trying to be a bridezilla and I know people are entitled to be private (my issue is that she should have extended that privacy with me and not asked so many questions about my life knowing she was being so tight lipped with hers).
This is where I now need advice. I feel so bitter and like the whole friendship was a lie. I can’t make it to her wedding, and honestly having her at mine feels disingenuous (she has been telling friends she is still coming to mine).
Is it rude for me to not go to her wedding? Should I go to her wedding since this is a decade long friendship? Part of me wants to disinvite her and her husband to be from my wedding because of the lies - is that rude? Is there a polite way to disinvite someone from your wedding without coming across like an absolute villain?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Not rude to not go to her wedding. I would never expect a friend to make my wedding if it were the day before hers, regardless of any other weirdness or drama.
Nobody attends a wedding the day before their own wedding. They’re too busy finalizing everything. It’s painfully obvious to The Internet that she’s not a friend. And probably never has been.
You literally can't go to her wedding because you are busy, with your own wedding. Why give it a second thought? Just enjoy your wedding weekend. I doubt she'll even make it to your wedding.
So she told your friends about the wedding weeks ago? “She’s been telling other friends in the friend group that I’m coming to the wedding when they’ve asked if that date is doable for me.” How long did she invite them? No one mentioned it to you? It Is unreasonable for anyone to expect you to attend a wedding the day before yours, especially with only a few weeks notice.
tinybirdsnest (OP)
She told me first and then the rest of the friends in the days after. And so far everyone has only received verbal invitations.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
A few people in the original post were asking about rehearsal dinners and all of that stuff - I’m Middle Eastern and we don’t really do that in our culture. Some people also said I needed to get over myself and that I don’t own the whole weekend which is true - I don’t!
My issue was the lying and also the expectation of me to drive a total of 5 hours (2.5 hours there and back) the day before my wedding and to attend another when I had so many things to finalize.
I also just needed to vent! Being lied to and having something that felt so calculated happen in what I thought was one of my closest friendships is strange! Oh and I don’t think it was a shotgun wedding which a lot of people were suggesting
Anyway - I had my wedding, it was perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing. I didn’t go to her wedding, I genuinely didn’t have the time. I did see some posted videos of her wedding, she didn’t copy mine which a lot of people were worried about considering she had been asking me about all of my prep.
I’ll give her her flowers though, her wedding was gorgeous, but definitely not a 2 month planned wedding like she was making out it was to me. In the end, she ended up coming to my wedding about three hours late. I was too busy being in my own newly married bubble to notice her or anything, but I did get feedback from people who were sat at her table.
Like people said she would in my original post, she spent the whole time talking about her wedding. In Indian culture the bride receives a heavy piece of gold jewelry at her wedding, she made a show of having her new husband take her piece of jewelry out of her bag and putting it on her at the table just after my husband and I (feels so nice saying that!) did our outfit change.
She was also showing off other pieces of jewelry she received making a point to emphasize that she received “REAL sapphires and REAL diamonds”. Her and her husband also spent the whole time texting each other which means they were probably saying not very nice things that they didn’t want our mutual friends overhearing.
She frequently would turn to him and say “don’t worry we’re leaving soon”. They were also packing on the PDA with neck kisses. She also then cried to my mum and brother about how she doesn’t understand why I’ve not been talking to her, and how I’ve been so cold to her.
This wasn’t true, I’d only told her how much her actions and lies had hurt me, and to be honest she was the one who didn’t respond to my last message. My mum being the classic mum she is brought her to me and tried to make us hug it out - we have this very awkward exchange caught on camera.
My mum did tell my friend that she shouldn’t have lied to me for a whole year though, so it’s nice to know she had my back even if she pulled a typical mum move trying to make everyone happy.
Our mutual friends are all on my side, no one really thinks she’s in the right. Most of them didn’t go to her wedding. With the invites being so last minute and her wedding being on a weekday, a lot of people couldn’t get the time off or childcare. No one else knew about the wedding which is crazy.
I do believe that her truth is that she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong and she really does think that she considered me and my situation in her wedding planning.
Unfortunately I think it’s one of those friendships where we no longer really align and I have taken a step back and distanced myself from her. I do appreciate that she came to my wedding, however I think she did it to make a point more than out of the goodness of her heart and respect for our friendship considering what she pulled.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Good for you ! There was no reason for her behavior if she was truly a friend. I'm glad your day went well, but her actions on your day show her true colors. You're wise to see the truth and take a step back. Congratulations on your marriage.
That is some vile lady and OOP should not be friends with her. That was planned, like a revenge thing. I guess that friends husband plays a big part in it.
It really feels like the "friend" was giggling to herself like "Haha, this'll show OP! and now they'll all pay! ah ha ha ha!" and doesn't realize that everyone thinks she's weird, cringe, and they're all just confused by her at this point. Reeks of someone who hasn't grown up but everyone else has.
Friend's definitely been jealous of OP for years and is all angry that nobody dropped everything to come and attend her wedding the day before. I hope OP just gray rocks her until that particular relationship fully fizzles out. The more attention she gives her, the worse it will be.
Sorry, did nobody else catch the "on and off for a year"? You're saying in that year they'd split then got back together? And they're basically having a shotgun wedding? Sounds romantic! Anyway, wish the best to the happy couple! (Being OP and Husband.)