In a post on Reddit a man is being told he's the AH by his dad. Family is always tricky, especially around weddings, but this one has the added element of deceased relatives playing a role. Here's his story.
My late wife passed away 6 years ago, we dated for 4 years and were married for 1 before her passing. My mom loved her as a daughter since I'm her only child and I guess she never truly recovered, I loved my late wife too, but after meeting and spending time with my current wife, I'm sure she was not the love of my life.
My mom has never liked my relationship with my wife (Helena), she thinks I moved on ''too fast'' and refuses to believe/admit that my love for my Helena is bigger and truer that the one I had for my late wife.
There's a few instance before the actual wedding when I thought my mom crossed the invisible line, but my wife, wanting to be accepted, let it pass and asked me to no do anything.
My mom was constantly talking and comparing the wedding with my first one (We married young and I couldn't afford lots or big things, with Helena, I'm financially stable and I was capable of having a big, beautiful wedding).
She asked, several times, if I could invite my late wife's parents to my wedding as an act of love and to tell them I was still there for them, but I refused. I haven't talk to them in years and I have no reason for keeping them in my life.
She was very adamant and even Helena said that if I wanted to have them there, then it was okay, but I didn't want to. I felt like my mom had hold onto my previous marriage too hard, refusing to let go and inviting me to do the same. As bad as it sounds, I was done, I want to be with Helena without the burden of always having my ex-in laws there, watching the life her daughter and I did not have.
During the wedding day, my mom actually showed up with them, I asked what they're doing there and they, very ashamed, said that my mother had invited them and they thought it was okay.
My mom said they're ''my family'' and I had a duty toward them, I said they could stay for the reception to avoid comments, but that I hadn't invited them and that I was sorry. I looked to my mom and said ''You're not allowed to stay to anything. Leave, we will talk later''.
She cried and begged, but I asked her again to leave, in the end, the three of them left together and my dad (who has been divorced of her for almost 15 years) called me an AH.
AITA_27744 From OP:
I'm 27 yo, Helena is 25yo, I met Helena two years after my late wife's passing, tho, we only started to date 3 years ago. She died of a heart attack.
Linglingluuu chimes in with:
Wow. You fell in love and moved on FAST. It took you 4 years to marry your wife , she dies and 3yrs later you’re married again oh but this time you’re actually happy. You are something buddy. Let’s see how fast you move on this next time.
AITA_27744 OP response:
I mean, you can judge me for pretty much everything you fucking want, but you don't get to decide what's ''fast'' and what's ''slow'' when moving and you don't fucking get to undermine my current relationship or insult my wife just because you got on your high horse and the view is nice.
ESH, except your poor ex-in-laws. Look, man, you want to act like your first marriage was an unfortunate side adventure on the road to the 'real love of your life,' neither your mom nor anyone else can stop you.
She certainly can't invite people to your wedding without your permission, regardless of who they are. But boy, do I hope you and your late wife didn't have kids you've conveniently neglected to mention, because you don't have to make it this blatantly obvious to the people who do still miss her how little you don't.
AITA_27744 OP responds:
We didn't had any kids, I do miss her, I just didn't put my whole life to stop because my mom's not able to understand that I already let go.
Maybe bc you talk about her like she was a past mistake. You act like your glad she died so you can have your new fancy wife. Does your current wife know you view your late wife so poorly? Just bc you heal and move on doesn’t mean you speak poorly of the dead.
AITA_27744 OP responds:
I do not. I'm sad she's no longer here and I miss her, I do not consider her a ''past mistake''.
YTA. Your mom crossed a line by inviting them without permission, but it sounds like she was banking on you being less callous than you apparently are. Comes off like, 'sorry that your daughter, my wife, died... guess this means I never have to talk to you again and I can marry someone I actually love! Have a nice life!'
AITA_27744 OP responds
Except we kept talking for a year and the relationship faded on both parts, it's been five years since we spend time for the last time or spoke, I just moved on and they move don from me.