Groom proposes an hour before wedding; moms' fight almost ruins special day. UPDATE
"Groom proposed an hour before the ceremony"
Heather_Bea
Gonna shame my own wedding and groom : )
I met my now husband 10 years ago in college, and was ready to marry him day one. We had talked about marriage off and on for years, but couldn't afford to right away due to school, internships, moving across the country for work, etc.
Six years in, we had made appointments to make our own wedding bands with a blacksmith, but had to cancel due to unexpectedly moving across the country for work again. We waited, and at some point he got stuck on never getting married. I think part of it was the pressure I put on a perfect proposal, and knowing we would have to deal with my difficult parents.
Our lives together have been great, we own a house together, he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but marrying wasn't in his plans. It was heartbreaking because everything else about him and our relationship is perfect.
After covid/isolation was settling down, on our 9 year anniversary I brought up the idea of getting married again. Our 10 year would land on a Saturday, and I loved the idea of keeping our date the same. He said he was open to it and we could talk further.
It was a slow build, but he agreed to marry me. He was involved with the planning, and I was careful not to overwhelm him. (I can get excited and blurt out a million ideas some times) I gave him certain things to be in charge of that I knew he would enjoy, he would give feedback, and we had a really good time putting our wedding together as a team.
I wanted to do photos before the ceremony, so both of our families met at the venue 2 hours before it was to start. We were nearing the end of the photos when he suddenly got down on one knee. It was so unexpected, something I was sure I would never get to experience. He proposed in front of our entire families and it was perfect. I cried, he cried even more, and I said yes.
So yeah, we had a 55 minute engagement and a wonderful wedding filled with laughter and happiness. I will tease him for the rest of our lives about how long he made me wait, and how patient I am : )
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Perky214
My husband proposed to me in the #4 lane of the 405 freeway in Los Angeles - any proposal you want to accept is a perfect one, IMO!! Over 30 years married :)
jadegives2rides
I love this and am a little jelly you got to get married on your 10 year!! Going on 12 years together with my fiancè (of 3 years). We mainly want a big party, and just a tiny ceremony. Since these didn't need to be tied together, I really wanted to get married on our ten year. But it just didn't happen.
werebothsquidward
I don’t get it. What’s shameful about this? It sounds like you liked it and it made you both happy.
Original_Archer5984
THIS is LOVELY.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU CRAZY KIDS!
Wishing you many, many more years of happiness!
OhSuketora
your JustNoMIL posts would be a great addition to this sub too.
At the commenters request, here is the post they are referring to:
"The wedding day..."
Heather_Bea
Mostly went off without a hitch! We had a beautiful ceremony filled with love, a lot of jokes about how my SO made me wait (we got married on our 10 year anniversary), good food, and a lot of dancing. These are the memories I will have forever in photos and videos.
I did have 2 pretty terrible incidents with my mom, which I will detail below to spread the tea, but I really want to stress how minute they were compared to everything else. Both my mom and my stepmom were there for the wedding, my father is remarried and there is a lot of tension there.
The first incident was during the family photos. I wanted one with his family and my entire family. The photographer was placing us around and said the word "Stepmom" to direct and my mom made a comment about her not being my stepmom under her breath.
In front of everyone, I called her out and told her to stop. It was loud, everyone was stunned, and it was definitely a scene created by me. My grandma said "good for you girl, stick up for yourself." My family understands the dynamic and supports me, but I do feel embarrassed about doing that in front of his family.
It wasn't fair for the kids, and must have been confusing for everyone on his side for me to suddenly lash out like that, especially since they did not hear her. I think I need to apologize to them and could use advice on this.
The second incident I was not present for, but it was bad enough that both my friend AND coordinator felt the need to bring up to me after the ceremony was over. From what I understand, my stepmom was helping my mom fix her dress while in line for the processional to start.
When she was done, my stepmom asked her if she wanted to walk side by side in solidarity. My mom flipped out at her, yelling and cursing at her. My stepmom stood up for herself in some fashion, then my mom went even more ballistic. It was so bad my coordinator stepped in to protect stepmom. This was in front of my new in-laws as well.
I had no clue any of this happened as I was in the bridal suite. I went on with the ceremony as planned. I was pretty surprised that they even told me it happened, but I am glad they did. When my dress was being bustled my mom entered and I unleashed on her.
I yelled, I cursed, I yelled some more, all in front of my hubby, coordinator and 2 friends. I told her if she did one more thing she would be made to leave. My threat must have worked because I didn't hear of anything else all night. (Or my dad and stepmom didn't tell me) either way I dropped it and enjoyed the rest of my night.
I have managed to surround myself with amazing people who made my night wonderful. Thank you all for your words over the past few years. It's only through posting here and getting tough love from yall that I was able to stand up for myself and for my stepmom.
The next day I went over to my mom's house to spend as much time as I could with the grandparents before they left. I avoided my mom as much as possible, but it's a small space. Every chance my grandma had, she called my dad's wife "stepmom".
She complimented the dress my stepmom wore, went on about how wonderful my stepmom was, about how delighted she was to finally meet "your stepmom", etc. I tried not to engage with any of that talk other than a quick agreement, but I super appreciated her pettiness. I am taking a trip to see them soon and spend more time with them. It's 1am and I am still wired, but am going to try and get some sleep. Thanks yall!
Here were the top rated comments from readers who followed this post:
coulditbeasloth
Please don’t apologize to your in-laws. It sounds like your mom made quite a show of herself without you and I’m sure they picked up on her attitude. Her behavior is on her. You just stopped it in the moment. I’m glad you had a wonderful day.
Ok_Cauliflower_3007
And the fact grandma backed her up will clue them in to the fact mom has a history and this wasn’t a reaction to a one off thing. Also the fact that the rest of OPs family didn’t bat an eyelid at her reaction. Add in the fact I’m sure they’ve heard about the step mom/mom thing (no way no one overheard that) and they’re going to assume OP had good reasons.
No apology needed. Possible explanation (as bare bones or detailed as OP wants) might be needed if anyone important to her partner asks.
MelodyRaine
Mother of Demons. Don't apologize. You are under no obligation to explain the situation to his family, if he chooses to that's his business. Given how your family responded, and the second situation your mother caused, I am sure they understand that there are forces at play that they have no knowledge of.
gardenovice
Now you know that she can control her behavior when she’s given a clear limit with a meaningful consequence she knows you have the power to deliver. This is key to dealing with most Just Nos.
Accomplished-Emu-591
Congratulations on the success. I'm happy for you that you got the day the way you wanted it. I don't think you need to apologize for anything. Everybody apparently saw incident 2, they probably figured everything out. If not, I suspect your JYGM who praised you for sticking up for yourself was happy to explain everything to anyone who would listen. Enjoy your happy life and don't worry about it.
The OP updated on this post as well.
"Feeling guilt and regret over sending a NC text."
Heather_Bea
After talking with my therapist today, I realized just how deeply devastated I am about my mom's actions during the wedding and time leading up to it. I had been chatting about her behavior casually with my friends as if it was just gossip, but after getting to the root of everything I started having a panic attack at the thought that she is incapable of putting me first for a few hours.
Still, I can't help feel like I am punishing a mentally ill person, but at the same time I don't want to see her right now. I sent her a text explaining my feelings and that I would contact her when I was ready. It's been a few hours and I haven't heard back from her at all. I was expecting her to throw a fit or something so having no response makes me feel uneasy.
I am filled with regret and doubt, but my hub supports me and thinks it's been a long time coming. He has reassured me about how much I have put up with and validated my feelings.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP aired everything:
Accomplished-Emu-591
You are not punishing anybody. You are protecting yourself by going NC. All this pain and anxiety is just what she has trained you to feel. Be proud of yourself for finally pulling yourself out of the clutches of this monster. Whether or not she is mentally ill is not your problem.
You are a casualty of her actions. Doesn't matter who or what caused the injury, you are a casualty. Now focus on your healing. Her healing or not is out of your control and not your responsibility.
Instead of waiting fearfully for a fit or another message, block her on everything, You are still reacting as she has trained you. You don't need to listen to anything from her or respond to anything she says or sends.
Perhaps in a few years when you have healed and are in a better place, you can calmly consider whether reaching out to her or checking on her status is a viable alternative at that time. Right now consider her to be in the isolation ward so she cannot infect anyone else.
Congratulations on the shiny spined husband. Listen to what he says. Have a calm and serene future with your immediate family.
madpiratebippy
Her mental illness might explain some of her behavior but it’s still not OK in the least to take her illness out on you and not a) try to stop it and b) apologize when she does hurt you. Just because she’s I’ll does not give her carte Blanche to hurt you.
SoOverYouAll
Her mental health, our lack thereof, shouldn’t be allowed to affect yours. Your husband said it’s been a long time coming. That means he has watched as she has hurt you and upset you and caused panic attacks. Trust his opinion that this is needed.
You need to protect your mental health, his mental health, and your marriage. Sooo many stories on here of narcissistic, selfish, psychotic, etc MILs ruining lives and marriages. Don’t let that be you. Sometimes it’s best to love someone from afar.
throwaway47138
You didn't do anything to her, you did something for yourself.
Oscarmaiajonah
You are not punishing her, you are protecting yourself and taking a breather to improve your own mental health. Her mental illness is not her fault, but it IS her responsibility to manage. It is not a carte blanche to behave as badly as she wants. and then disclaim any responsibility for her actions and words.
If she is unwilling to take any actions to improve her mental health then its down to you to take action to improve your own by staying away from her and concentrating on yourself and your new marriage. Your DH has your back it seems, so trust him and yourself and give yourself a break.