What happens, though, when the family is so wealthy that they feel they're somehow above the need for shoes? So, when a witty wedding guest decided to vent to the gloriously petty and judgmental Reddit group, 'Wedding Shaming,' about an incredibly cringe-inducing wealthy wedding between a boss and his 20-year-old intern that they had the burden and luxury of attending, people were eager to help pile on.
So the groom was my friend who, at the time, was 30 and revealed he was dating his... 20 year old intern...Part one of the tacky...
The girl's family were all land-owning old aristocratic people and she is easily the coldest most miserable person I’ve ever met. She’s permanently disinterested and unenthusiastic about everything. But after a few months thinks it probably makes sense that she moves in with her Boss Boyfriend.
She tells her incredibly pushy stuck up mother that she’s planning the move, and the mum is all “oh why bother with that silly little phase! Cut to the chase and just get married asap!”
My idiot friend thinks it’s a great idea because he’s basically fallen in love with their whole old money lifestyle, summer houses in the south of France, iconic family members, and generally what the whole family represent.
So a bunch of us grudgingly do the few hour drive across England to go to their rich friends land where the wedding is taking place. We arrive in nice dresses and heels, our guy friends in suits, hair done, lipstick and suddenly realize that in comparison look like we’ve rolled in off the set of The Only Way Is Essex. These people were so rich and posh they no longer felt the need to wear...shoes...to a wedding... in a field...
Hemp shirts and patchwork dresses and loose fabric and daises in hair and no shoes in sight. Everyone’s called Kitty or Titty or Pandy or Toffee. Voices so posh the regular ear can not decipher it, and can only be heard by dogs and other nobility.
There’s a massive tent in the middle of the field, undecorated, looking like it’s on loan from Fyre Festival. Long unadorned tables like we’re queuing to find out which extra curricular activities to sign up to on Freshers week. Anyway, we go to sit down and get this thing over with, only to find out that ...everyone...has been separated and is being sat with complete and utter strangers.
Like, couples not even allowed to sit at the same table as each other. Our friends 8 month pregnant wife marched off to a table on her own on the other side of whatever medical emergency tent they’ve ushered us in to. Her British Indian husband made to sit with an 18 year old who really wants to talk about her gap year in Kolkata.
Meanwhile I get the pleasure of being sat with a 60 year old who communicates in Hedge Fund similes. And a 25 year old with his arm in a cast, which he broke preparing for Tough Mudder. He is wearing Oakley sunglasses attached to a glasses chain.
The mother of the bride gets up and does a month long speech about how hot her son in law is. Someone brings out cake specifically for her to blow out the candles as a thank you for just existing. No it was not her birthday. She ends her speech by trying to marry off her four other daughters, like we’re cosplaying Pride and Prejudice now.
When asked if the bride would like to say something she....snorts and says...SHE'S TOO BORED to say anything. AT HER OWN WEDDING. She is also not wearing shoes. Or makeup. Or a veil. Or jewelery.
Or anything to suggest she gives a sh*t about being there. Instead she has spent the whole day rolling her eyes and being surly. I ask her how she’s doing, feeling myself to be overdressed because I applied mascara, and she...shrugs.
So the groom steps up to give his speech. Which, as it turns out, is a half hour declaration of love for...his mother in law.
She has, by now, already been presented with her own cake. And I am, at this point, unsure whose wedding I’ve come to. His deeply enthusiastic and adoring speech doesn’t mention his bride once. It doesn’t mention or thank his mum. Or his dad. Or his brother. Or his best man.
Who are sitting right in front of him. His wife, however, is not sitting right in front of him because she is now on her way to have an unenthusiastic piss in the portable toilet, without shoes. The entertainment was her teenage cousin playing the acoustic guitar and singing really sh*t songs he’d written in his bedroom.
Then someone donated a $50,000 firework display as a wedding gift. What does a 50k firework display look like you ask? I can’t remember. It was that unmemorable. Having finally had enough, all of the grooms friends excused themselves early, and we all went to the pub. And yes they are still together. And no they are not even close to being happy.
Honestly sounds like he’d rather have married the mother-in-law.
I’m so confused. They were so rich they didn’t care about looking rich? Is that a thing?
I actually feel most sorry for the bride. No one in her life seems to actually care about her as a real person - her family pressures her to marry for status, and her husband was only interested in her rich family.
She’s young and needs time to figure out her passions and interests, not get exploited in a loveless marriage with an older man. No wonder she was so unhappy during the wedding.
This sounds like it was an extraordinarily awkward event to be present at but also an amazing premise for a comedy film.
Bare feet....into the port o potty......sent shivers down my spine.
This was fantastically written, thanks for the ride! Sounds like an absolutely terrible marriage in the making; and while I feel sorry for him, it sounds like she is absolutely the same person now as she was when he met her, so it's not like he has no idea what she's like. Think maybe there's a thing between the groom and the mother-in-law?