Who doesn't want to watch their family member recieve an intimate lap dance? So, when a guest who attended a horribly tacky and uncomfortable family wedding from the cringe layer of hell decided to vent to the beautifully petty 'Wedding Shaming' Reddit group, people were dying for the details.
The wedding I will describe to you is my uncle's on my mother's side. So he's my mother's brother. They share another brother and sister.
My uncle has always been an odd one, socially awkward, a tendency to drink too much, a tendency to have one weasel too much as a pet...I think you get the picture. But a couple of years everything changed! He suddenly stopped talking about WWII memorabilia and started talking about a certain woman.
Everyone was exhilarated. At this point both uncle and aunt-to-be were in their forties. This will be important in a few sentences. So after the weird war-interested weasels-owning uncle announced he'll get married nonetheless everyone in our family was THRILLED. Like he did his own thing for a long while and suddenly there was a chance for him finally building a family of his own. Amazing.
So much for the prelude. Wedding day arrives, the first part is totally chill. No family drama, they sign the wedding license, everything is fine. I was even feeling optimistic. But not for long.
The moment we arrived at the restaurant, the newlywed wife shoved a chair in the middle of our seats. She demanded my (in case I didn't make it obvious enough already) very socially awkward uncle sitting on said chair.
And put blindfolds on him. Telling by the red shade of his face he had no idea what was going on on that point. Doesn't matter. The bride leaves, gesturing toward the DJ. DJ starts playing 'Dirrrty' - you know, the song people grinded to like 15 years ago, and a female stripper walks in.
At this point I want to remind you that the couple was not only already married but also my very catholic grandma - mother of the groom - was having an involuntary front seat to the show.
At this point I want to also remind you that the married couple was in their fourties and the two sons of my newest aunt in the family, respectevly 13 and 15 years old, were ALSO attending and watching the strip show their mother arrainged for their new step-dad. Front row.
To be fair, the girl was super fit and did her best regarding 80% of the viewers were shocked religious bavarian folks (imagine them being Texans but with less fire arms). The brave girl grinded into my uncle.
She spread lotion on his torso and bravely nibbled on his neck while only wearing a G-String with the US-flag colors on them. All of that happening to 'Dirrrty' on repeat, in front of too many family members and my poor uncle showing every tone of red there might be for human skin AT THREE PM IN A RESTAURANT.
I don't remember the exact moment where everything went to sh*t. It was a mixture of my grandma praying/crying, my other uncle/his brother cheering, and my aunt and mother aggressively yelling at the newest SIL to make this shit show stop. I had my hands full trying to avoid my younger cousins videotaping the whole thing.
At the end of the day the bride felt so ashamed/threatened? by my family (Reminder: NOT by the fact she hired a stripper in front of her sons) that she walked crying-yelling into the nearby forest without anyone caring. Well, her husband might've if he wasn't blindfolded and in plush cuffs.
Instead, my family invented a new drinking game called 'whenever you remember something cringe, take a shot.' An hour later the bride was still missing, but my mother, aunt, grandma and me were happily dancing to some nineties trash - and as far as I can tell...that's a win in our books. My uncle is still awkward, but his step-sons are cool with him now. So...yay?
Edit: The couple is still together, for anyone wondering. As to why my aunt decided to hire a stripper? We might never know, since my family collectively decided to do the old rug sweeping and never mentioned the wedding again. They initially met through chat in World of Warcraft.
I am on the west coast of the US, it's 9:15 on Sunday morning and I am wondering if it's too early for me to join in your family's new drinking game. This is horrifying and hilarious and you painted such a vivid picture.
I feel like the stepdad and stepsons bonded over the cringe-induced trauma... Poor man! What was this woman thinking?
Your poor uncle! I'm a bit socially awkward myself and this reads like the stuff of nightmares.
Maybe the goal was to make a strong impression on the family.
Imagine being the stripper, making mad bank and being able to have this story to tell to people.